Category: Uncategorized

I’m trying for sometime to understand a notion about the absolute, infinite, god , and it’s still very hard to reach there because everytime i wanna get closer to it,
It’s beyond me ,
It’s in a higher plane of existence i can’t reach rn ,
And it’s hard with these feelings and body and mind to be able to rush there,
Even if sometimes i get there for some seconds,
It’s like a dream that you see once in a lifetime,
Or feelings that won’t happen again,
As childhood first timers,
And thoughts that you flesh into while praying ,
And when you finish the prayer you don’t understand what where they or how it ended fastly because you simply weren’t there , it’s something of knowing and feeling and touching things you won’t reach in the here and now and you .

I’ll try to write it down for now .
You can’t reach the absolute while having the nice walk ,
Without the blood and tears and pain and blood ,
You won’t ever ,
Without suffering ,being heartbroken and lost and losing , you and others and everything ,
And surrendering to the absolute isn’t just a nice meditation ,
It’s twirling with the storm of existence while you can’t holding yourself but giving your all to god , maybe that’s islam .
There’s no pleasures and joys and peace and orgasms of plasmas and psychedelics to be the pursuit ,
And i guess I’ve said it that i no longer find any meaning in them all anymore , nor in anything that has no suffering , with things that are just easy and pleasant and there and its fine to be there..

There’s a hell to run,
There’s a heart that lost and it’s fine to be that way because it’s only possible to reach love truly by it ,
Maybe while i run i reach time’s while I’m there , sprinting in the track and i feel , like there’s no ceiling , there’s a feeling about the sky that i won’t ever reach and go at without the pain of running and exhausting every breath in u,
And it’s like you’ve never seen before..
And you’re here , being here , running with your heads up , and you’re just touching this for this single moment of “it” and you’re already whole..
If you wanna flow you’ll just be above the river , you won’t reach the worldy worlds inside without diving effortfully.

مَا أَنزَلْنَا عَلَيْكَ الْقُرْآنَ لِتَشْقَى
إِلاَّ تَذْكِرَةً لِّمَن يَخْشَى
تَنزِيلا مِّمَّنْ خَلَقَ الأَرْضَ وَالسَّمَاوَاتِ الْعُلَى
الرَّحْمَنُ عَلَى الْعَرْشِ اسْتَوَى
لَهُ مَا فِي السَّمَاوَاتِ وَمَا فِي الأَرْضِ وَمَا بَيْنَهُمَا وَمَا تَحْتَ الثَّرَى
وَإِن تَجْهَرْ بِالْقَوْلِ فَإِنَّهُ يَعْلَمُ السِّرَّ وَأَخْفَى
اللَّهُ لا إِلَهَ إِلاَّ هُوَ لَهُ الأَسْمَاء الْحُسْنَى
وَهَلْ أَتَاكَ حَدِيثُ مُوسَى
إِذْ رَأَى نَارًا فَقَالَ لِأَهْلِهِ امْكُثُوا إِنِّي آنَسْتُ نَارًا لَّعَلِّي آتِيكُم مِّنْهَا بِقَبَسٍ أَوْ أَجِدُ عَلَى النَّارِ هُدًى
فَلَمَّا أَتَاهَا نُودِي يَا مُوسَى
إِنِّي أَنَا رَبُّكَ فَاخْلَعْ نَعْلَيْكَ إِنَّكَ بِالْوَادِ الْمُقَدَّسِ طُوًى
وَأَنَا اخْتَرْتُكَ فَاسْتَمِعْ لِمَا يُوحَى
إِنَّنِي أَنَا اللَّهُ لا إِلَهَ إِلاَّ أَنَا فَاعْبُدْنِي وَأَقِمِ الصَّلاةَ لِذِكْرِي
إِنَّ السَّاعَةَ آتِيَةٌ أَكَادُ أُخْفِيهَا لِتُجْزَى كُلُّ نَفْسٍ بِمَا تَسْعَى
فَلاَ يَصُدَّنَّكَ عَنْهَا مَنْ لاَ يُؤْمِنُ بِهَا وَاتَّبَعَ هَوَاهُ فَتَرْدَى

We wondered what it could be
Like the realization of you for the same time
There’s the realization of the better you , of her , for the first time too
And once it hits you , it hits
You become so distant from the fact that you’re together ,
More into the fact that you’re each other ,
Until you’re not ,
Not even yourself .

They say we give meaning to what we want in what we understand ,
I say love could never be given any kind of meaning ,
It doesn’t count ,
It can’t be sensed ,
It’s just a matter thrown into the wind of a loudy town .

And you go by trying to spray all the other colors ,
And you go by trying to merge these worlds ,
To feel like you were both in the same space , the same place , and you belonged there..
Even though no one does now ,
Not even you belong to your own world ,
Or hers ,
But to that lost empty space of her , that she left too , like you do everyday ,
And i wonder what do i do ,
Should’ve done ,
Had to..
I wonder if any eco still goes there even though i might never know ,
It’s a ghost shell , a ghost closet , a ghost town of memories and feelings and mental places of self and selves.
And i wonder if i was ever capable of loving ,
When i know i can’t withstand anything ,
But why i devoted myself for it ,
When everyone devoted themselves for the spring of time ,
The irony is that i flower in solitude while it gets pretty grey outside.

I wonder sometimes ,
Sometimes is as all my life , i do.
What kind of happy ending should have been ,
Of smiling , being , running together ,
Over a sunset beach ,
Over the mountain dawn ,
Then i know ,
It’s not written to me to be ever ,
A self reflecting self of a self reflecting other ,
That I’ll always weep and suffer ,
That my love story will be incomplete , will and is a sad story , like no other ,
My love story is heartbreaking , sad ,
Was were forever.

My shadows seems to fade to the dark ,
Maybe I’m the reason ,
Maybe I didn’t try ,
But i wanna be ,
With every inch or cell or spit on my body i wanna be ,
You know god I’d bleed for it ,
But i don’t know the way , myself , and the way out of myself ,
The worlds seems to fade too ,
And i pray to you to drive it back ,
Because i promised that kid to go crush the ball and the game ,
And he screamed at me without opening his mouth ,
Without saying a word ,
But i keep hoping that there’s a story to my story ,
Somewhere somehow sometime out there ,
Over there , which i can’t know yet ,
And even though it’s a ghostly clear despair ,
I still hope you could clear the way , out of myself , out of all of this .

God i wanna be .

On a summer night that kid jumped up ,
He thought that not the earth could hold him ,
And i don’t know anything ,
I don’t own anything ,
But my admiration for you and for him ..

Even though i left it back there a long time ago ,
And i still look back there whenever I’m blue ,
And even though I’m still as lost as ever ,
You’re teaching me the true meaning of going back again to that endless light i should endlessly run to .

I wanna be ,
Knowingly why I’m here ,
Knowingly who i am ,
As i blow with the wind with all my fears ,
I wanna be ,
Existing like i used to be ,
Like i should be ,
Since my name was written in the beginning of eternity,
I wanna be forever ,
God ,
Born in the star of dreams ,
I wanna be ,
For that kid ,
Larger than life has tried to ever be .

5 years and a step have passed ,
The dr walked into the room ,
Filled with strangers yet to become strangers ,
Where do you see yourself 5 years away ?
He asked the typical cliche nonsense question..
“Happy” i said , only i said..
And it’s done since then ,
I’m still at the shore i went down to,
I’m grateful for a world lived way beyond everyone could see,
But I’m far away way beyond to be called happy.

If i ever learned a thing through the eyes of time ,
It’s the application of meaning..
I no longer see meaning through the happy,
I no longer see the meaning to make a sense of it,
Way beyond wishing for it,
Don’t get me wrong,
I’m way over despair,
Not in it, in the maze of it ,
Of surpassing life,
Of forgetting who i was ,
What i did ,
How i loved ,
How i acted when i dreamed ,
How i was supposed to act when i dreamed.

If u could see ,
Through the edges of time ,
Through the whole of the sun ,
Into eternity’s gate ,
Would you run away ?
Would you ask it ?
Would you ever know ?
What if heaven smiled ?
What if she mocked you trying to be happy ?
What if you’ll be happy ?

What was written before what is written ?
Would you ever know what you were supposed to be ?
Were you ever supposed to know what you’ll be ?
Who are you if you could’ve been anything ? Anyone ?
And you still can ,
But you ain’t no one ,
You’re not here .
Not anywhere.
Not in eternity .
I’m not happy ,
I’m it ,
The void ,
The night , space , vagabond ,
Floating through the vision of god ,
You’re gonna carry that weight , space cowboy..

We’re waiting for tragedy
In the depth of heaven
For heartbreak
For the tears that ain’t coming
For the apocalypse
For the great flood ,
Because we want to live.

I guess it was implanted to us all back before we ever existed
That nirvana , that salvation
Will always exist only through the eyes of pain and despair
That through hell only you’ll reach heaven
And through hell only you’ll taste thyself
And rhat’s why its applied
In our looks , hearts , and holy books

And if it was so plain and day
You’ll stay with yourself that you can’t stand to hear
So without incidents and failures and breaks
Without falling and hurting and get hurt
Without dying and waiting to die
And all the days and the morning suns you try
Without the tears , not under rain but under a blue velvet sky
You won’t feel alive
You won’t survive

We fall in love
To know something down the road
We fall and submit into god
To feel something we can never comprehend , say , understand ,
I guess we’ll keep searching down the line ,
To get reborn ,
To live again ,
Not for hope ,
For tragedy.

I , i am a question to the world
Not an answer to be heard ,
And all the answers for the questions won’t be said ,
Nor told nor known ,
And you’ll always gaze into the abyss and you’ll always be one , I’m just trying to be a kind abyss .
And i know i won’t know them ,
And i know i won’t go now ,
But i feel the path ,
To live , cry , scream , live ,
To love entirely ,
To fly above it all ,
To actually grasp beauty and to hold it ,
To be able to ,
To be eager to ,
To feel..
To know how to live ,
I know the path ,
After all the circles and all the tries , and all the downfalls and the orange filled skies ,
I know death will bring me home ,
And death will make us fall out of the dream and out of the shore ,
Of a thousand face of a thousand places of a million flashes of tunnels of light…
Death was always there and
All left to it to be solved ,
And with it is the key and with it comes the finals score ,
Of you and me ,
And worlds yet to come ,
And worlds far away to go ,
And a million lovely friends ,
Distand , deep , flawed , and known.

I am not a drop ,
Nor the ocean ,
Not that the “i” ever made any sense ,
I say i wanna find it ,
And sometimes that i play it ,
But whenever the wind blows i find myself so distant away to call myself it , to call myself myself ,
How could i be myself when my self isn’t mine ?

Nothing in the world belongs to me ,
Not even me ,
But maybe i belong to whatever took a piece of the me away and went away ,
Like a cat on a flowery street ,
Like a flower on the surface of the sea .

I didn’t want to swim in the ocean ,
I just wanna know it ,
And I’m far away from dropping in it ,
While they’re far away from me ,
And i don’t wanna be happy ,
Even if it was served on silver plates ,
For maybe the tragedy is worth million ,
Of galaxies of golden states .

And in hell u find the cave ,
And in the cave u fall asleep ,
And you wake up in a dream where u know , that like without pain ,
Ain’t no meaning at all ,
What purpose is their ,
When u roll in a flow ,
Where u won’t reach whoever u love ,
Where you’ll always chase to fly ,
But you won’t ever know ,
And you won’t ever find any answer ,
Not thyself down the line ,
So tell me was their other sense ,
That joy belonged to pain , and tears alone ..
I don’t wanna be certain ,
I don’t wanna go home ,
I just wanna live in a dream ,
Where i know everything will be dusted , seen , and gone

Where were we when he created the world ?
Were we happy ?
Because i think all that is true ,
Is a deep , silent , and shivering tone ,
With a boy sat alone ,
I don’t wanna be happy ,
Because all i ever was ,
All i will ever be ,
Is a boy sad to be home ,
A boy said to be born ,
By love lost in a morning dawn ,
That’s mine all mine to be own ,
With no blessed beautiful meaning , above it all ,
Than winds , winds , winds , clouds , and river’s left stone .

And if i loved worlds I’ll decide to stay alone
And if i loved a hundred I’ll decide stay alone
And if i be , I’ll decide to be , that’s the only way to find me , all along.

It’s carved on my chest ,
That my path is under the dark ,
That I’m not from it ,
That it’s not a devil’s mark.

It’s carved into existence ,
That the long way home at night ,
Doesn’t define the destiny ,
And as i am searching and looking for it ,
Existence is looking for me ,
And as i crave the struggle in it ,
It craves itself in me..

For no way home is colorful ,
And no way home is pure ,
And no way home was made ,
By flowers and songs and jewels ,
And i know the path is down there ,
And i know it’s deep to cure ,
And i know that it surrounds me ,
Trying to leave me without a clue .

But the path will always wait me ,
And i will always do ,
Try to find me in the miles ,
The miles of clouded hell ,
Where heaven runs and heaven fuel .

And I’m not a shadow worker ,
But my shadow work for the soil ,
For the joys that didn’t happen ,
For the lost people in dreams ,
For dreams in lost realities ,
And in the me and them ,
And us I’m trying to recoil .

And if i didn’t then god , forgive me.
And love me when I’ll always do ,
For tonight I’m betting on you ,
Not on the flows , not on the moon ,
But on the love I’m willing to be sacrificed by ,
For the angels , not the devil’s fools ,
And tonight I’m getting sacrificed ,
To a dawn nearing so soon.

U know very few can bare the silence,
And that’s for a reason,
A reason to die and live,
In the silent unknown we suffer and in the silent unknown we find answers,
And in the answers we lose ourselves,

Nobody wants to lose himself ,
For the greater flow,
We all wanna let ourselves lose to the sharp edges of water mirrors,
To the things we thing is there,
But won’t ever be,
No one wanna be no one,
And everyone wanna become the one,
And the one of human self doesn’t exist,
And maybe he will in the shouts and screams and choas that won’t be ever heard,
Not by the stars , nor the trees , not even the ants.

U know i can’t handle praying so i cry,
Whenever i feel I’m being good , redemptive, i cry all day,
Praying takes courage and praying ain’t something that weak people do ,
Like love , ain’t something like weak humans me and you could handle ,
And to search for another resolve i don’t think I’ll reach one ,
I’ll just love because that’s all i can do ,
I’ll stay lost because that’s all i am and can be ,
I’ll cry always because there’s no other answer,
Try , Submit yourself to the tears in an aching heart , loving tears , lost dreams , and to an only one , god , beyond what we can fathom to understand of compassion and hugs..

God created the world out of love , absolute love
The world couldn’t handle it ,
So it burst with beauty ,
You see god created them all , and he knew , he knew.

And he created tragedy and hope and hearts and arts ,
For if we somehow , someway lost the way ,
We’ll find them through pain and tears ,
In fears ,
In not feeling we belong,
In feeling that we long,
The faraway close-by beauty .

I no longer accept ,
All thy is not , contain , be , see the spark that is the real ,
I no longer like all who is unreal by denying the real ,
I hereby reject all what doesn’t feel it , know it , live by it .

I choose to pray ,
To feel it ,
I choose to live to see it ,
And see to know it ,
And know to love it ,
To come back home ,
Of fallen stars ,
And nappy dream ,
And lost people ,
With lost hearts ,
And love , cries , and sad melodies of a girl on the streets .

To see the unseen ,
To go to the unknown ,
Things yet to come
To love the broken ,
To cry on grounds ,
To go places , to forgive more , to try more , more running ,
More seeing ,
More reviving ,
A self u chase back to old years ,
To find out ,
To get lost ,
To die ,
To live ,
To be ,
To love god ,
To return it ,
To return the beauty given to be seen by your eyes ,
To be held while you can never hold it ,
Never comprehend it ,

To love it nevertheless ,
All whatever happens , happens ,
To love him , the absolute, beyond us , nevertheless ,

Where were you when he created the world ?
When the morning birds shouted of joy ?

To you , to eternity

All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain