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Today was a fine day ,
A sunny clear day ,
You could hear the sound of leaves and wind all around the forest,
People went surfing ,
And although we had alot of things to do , to play , and to make out of it, weirdly enough we did nothing , all of us at the same time ,
We just came , sit on anne’s doorway and listened to the silence
We were hypnotized by the silence,
Lips drinking juice,
Yellow sandals ,
Hazel reading a book ,
The noise of windy and rose trying to disturb my tranquility…

We had a lot, we planned alot
And we just sit around.. in silence.. and watched alot.

The wet roads,
The bell sound on the door,
Eyes,
People crossing on bicycles down the road ,
Eyes,
Someone’s beautiful scent ,
Kids far away balling at the beach,
Eyes,
Flips of pages,
Alma’s suddenly spreading energy ,
Anne’s mom calling for dinner,
Glittering eyes,
Smiles on lips,
Closed books,
And footsteps of twelve peaceful kids…

Today was a fine day , we did nothing ,
but exist.

I blinked to a cat with one eye,
The left one,
The one i had,
She did so to me with one eye ,
The left one ,
The one she didn’t have..

I ran over the wind,
And a potato bag ran beside me,
It stopped with the wind ,
While i stopped when I’ve beaten it..

And they ran in the novel,
And they ran in the nights,
And they ran in the school in a middle of nowhere,
And they ran with the kites,
And they ran with tears,
And they ran with the memories over the years,
And they ran with the ocean of fears,
And the ocean of birthdays,
The ocean of a thousand hope and a thousand tide..

What beyond them ?
Where did they run too ?
I’ll not accept it ,
I’ll not accept a sad story,
Or a tragedy,

And if the heavens are sending me signs,
Heavenly are heavens signs..
And if heavens carving a path,
A path of heaven it carves..
and if i ever lose my way to heavens ,
Heavens will find your way to you..

As long as you run,
It runs more to you,
As long as you make meanings it gives signs,
And as much it doesn’t care about meaning,
You do.

And as much as there is roads there’s revelations and signs,
And it’s not over,
You wrote this when you’re dreaming,
And you saw the cat in your sleep,
With one eye..
And it doesn’t seem like, someone will understand you
With two eyes..
Or knows what you’re meaning,
You know what you’re meaning ,
You just don’t know what is it.

The cat blinked.
With one eye.
The left eye.
Forever.
I blinked.
With one eye.
The left eye.
Forever there.

It was Summer 2013 during Ramadan ,
I went with my cousin, neighbors, and our mosque friends to a summer camp.
To cut it short it felt like another place another world back then , all green , green hills like those in japanese anime and , and each group took a cirle or group of single rooms with qarmid ,
I vomited all the way over there , not because of traveling distances but because i was sick , i was sad because i couldn’t fast and i didn’t know i even wasn’t supposed to fast because of traveling..
We played football , wrestled , and set our bags in the rooms and spend the day outside,
They told us of the many things to do at night and it looked great ,
Then it was time for dinner , everyone from all groups sat in a cafeteria that was up above the hill and we began iftar , i wasn’t fasting and i ate all day so i wasn’t hungry , i finished the first one , got up and went outside , maybe because i love empty night spaces , maybe that’s who i am , i looked across and i saw the shop open , i wanted to buy chips but the money i had were in my bag in the room all the way down there , it was the most far to reach room in the entire camp , but i went on walking, the camp was all lighted up , even our circle , but except out room, no lights no electricity , i opened the door, ticked all the switches , nothing , ticked again , nothing..
I brought my bag and sat on the doorway to catch some light, got the money and turned around to put back the bag in the closet, when i put it , a song came out , it exploded through all the dark room and i was looking at a dark abyss not knowing what was there , a djin voice was laughing , a laugh so terrifying and sarcastic i couldn’t even imagine before , it echoed without a single point of if ,
I ran
And it’s funny that when i think of this now i laugh although it was one of the most terrifying and frightening moments of my life , but i ran , i ran alllll the way while fearing to even put my legs on the ground , i was flying
And how i wished someone was filming how i ran , i still till today don’t doubt i would’ve broken the world record…
I just remember legs, lights ,grass and me screaming for the captain,

everyone rushed out , i couldn’t speak , but they got the few words i was telling , djin down there , i don’t remember anyone laughed but they were speculating and i was too, we told let’s go all together and figure it out , we went and when we reached the room the lights were all back again , still surprised , we searched for someone , nothing , anything here there , nothing , for the next two hours it was others reading doaa and prayers on me and then we went to the nught prayer , i was scared because my feet were all liqued-ish althrough i just touched grass bare-footed , we went on , we played football , we swam , we had one of the best night , although now i don’t know anyone of these kids anymore , i don’t know anything about my childhood friends and my neighbors anymore , to get back , everyone was denying what i experienced then , but one things was sure , NO ONE , NO ONE slept inside all the rooms that night… we layed outside and slept on the grass , with a starry night and we woke up after sunrise with the sun burning our faces , when it was time to go we went inside again to pick and organize our stuff , i was putting all my stuff in the bag while sitting on the bed with my cousin and there was the captain and 6 others of us in the room wrestling , suddenly, the sound cane out again , i looked around ,it really did , and everyone is there … my cousin jumped and hugged me and we rushed to the corner of the bed , one was laying on the ground just got up and was jumping , others rushed outisde quickly and someone rushed and jumped out of the window and the other followed him to see if anything is outside … hilarious istg , anw it turns out it was a ringtone a boy had , and he never told anyone , he might have never knew it was his phone ringing , yeah that’s it ,a ringtone on the phone that rang inside an empty closest in the same time and circumstances that let this story to happen …

“I dream . sometimes I think that’s the only right thing to do”

Im zaki
I dunno how much you know me but I dont even know myself , although I love myself and im proud of me , and glad for it , this me is just a character and it’s composed of different personas , I play each according to the situation.
Im 21 , laying in my bed , its late night , night , spring , ramadan , day off , and im already tired , im both lost and found. I have pure ocd, I’m messy , simple , talkative but completely calm , Im a passing wind , I wanna do some cool tattoos and I’m about to break bad , I have faith but no hope , I’m struggling to get a better spiritual journey and

connection to god , and im living many battles inside and outside , but I don’t talk , I live in a world on my own so whatever happens happens , im cold blooded , I’ll break you insane , im manipulative in a way , im the worst enemy for the world and the best hero for you , I wanna burn cities , I wanna read alot of mangas and I really wanna be a writer . I’m good at nothing , not a single specific thing , but not going to care tbh ,I don’t give a shit about looks , I don’t care for the way you eat or behave or breath , if the world is ending im gonna drink a cup of tea and watch it , that’s the person I am , a watcher , a flow that watches things flow ,I’m getting to realize that this outer world is just my exteneded body.
Been a year since im last active on social media and it’s fine , whatever you say or share willnt be remember after 50 years , you are nothing , we’re all shit , we’re all dancing dying bags . the only person I miss is someone whos never gonna be back , and to speak of which im truly in love with many people , just tired of them and tired of trying to care for everyone , I want to go , I want to leave uni , to leave work , to leave friends and family , I want to leave and start an entire peaceful completely another life . I here , feel like , that I’m glad I existed , and went here , I will not be remembered , neither my stories , nor the memories I had , nor all the feelings for anyone , but the universe knows , I might be good or bad or those many types in them , but I love some little stuff in life , stars , fiction , fridge , noodles , classicals , grass , flow of things and im even polyamorous , I want to either live or die , I love angels and rabbits , I want to fly , I carried the weight of worlds , who carried me ? I am the color of dawn , I am the violet in night , I want a way out

I am LRS JAH JAS SM RM IM W

I am Z

“It’s only so much you can take before you break”
I’ll be egoestic here and say , I’m the most calm person you’ll know in your entire life , not because I want to keep things inside , but because I have no energy to argue or talk or care of whatsoever , and although I got people I can go to , but ive been through shit no one knows shit about , ask pure ocd , and from time to time its like burdens sticking up to my body . I acknowledge the fact that god gave me many gifts and blessings but maybe I just got a bad luck , its like a devil shadow following me from inside and someday gonna explode .

And by breaking apart I recall people like Heisenberg or mob psycho or guts… lately I think I passed through a fine time but it’s all anxiety over anxiety and trying to keep it cool with people and family , I bought too a new motorcycle three weeks ago and on the second day while putting it at the warehouse at work underground a supplier just I dont know the fuck how went and hit it with his truck , I fucked the warehouse , I screamed that it was empty and everyone 2 floors above came rushing down , I broke things that I have no idea how or when I broke them , it’s like I wasnt me , I was my revenge on my luck , my madness inside on my life , then at night I came back home to be shocked that one of the most people I ever loved has died , she was my best teacher , she was still young , I loved her , she cared for me at a dark time I needed someone and I was searching for a way these years to find her and talk to her again… I forgot about my life and my anger and whatever the hell was going through my day and I was just calm and I cried , things just break you in different ways .

I recall guts and all these rages he had , he had a home , friends , and he lost them in betrayal and in the worst possible way so he went for revenge and found another home in his way ,

and mostly he was broken but he found compassion and humanity along the way .

same as mob , mob was a man with power , but with kindness in a place without it , that he was pushed to exceed his 100% and explode , only to find how to turn it into explosive goodness and trying to be good even if nothing is to him

Luffy on the other hand kept on smiling and smiling , then he broke down when he lost his brother and his crew were wiped out , he broke himself so he can stop and look for a way to move forward , to get stronger for them , to smile again .

And as for others
Kaneki broke because he was tired of staying on the good side , tired of being good , he broke the ghoul inside of him and got to the other side because he can’t take it more

, as for Heisenberg, Heisenberg from beaking bad… really did break well , when you do sth just for yourself , just to feel alive , just to break from all the chains and characters you’re playing in your life , even if you did bad

. bad like eren did , although sometimes I think he did nothing wrong , we all expect that from our savior whether it’s jesus or al mahdi , to wipe out evil even if it means killing people , and for him , they took everything from him , killed him mother , friends and comrades , and called him devil , so he broke out and let out the devil in him.

Anyway the thing is we are all suffering and battling fear , all searching for ourselves and all might go down someday or break like hell , in many different ways

, and maybe for me someday I might break 100% like mob and destroy an entire city , maybe ill break free like mr white , maybe ill break from all those grudges in my chest and miseries in my life , maybe ill split apart like kaneki or find myself like the others , someday …

maybe I’ll be good and bad and at that moment ill be a great hero for myself or the worst villain for the world
Someday , somewhere , somehow

في حال عدم قرائة اول مقال :

https://wordpress.com/read/blogs/172528907/posts/87#comment-43

وباول مقال عنيت بيروت ، او حتى لبنان بالاجمع ، صحيح ان كتابته تمت قبل موعد الانفجار لكنه كان حاصلا حتى منذ ذاك الوقت ، وما زال قائما حتى الان ، وبعد مرور عدة اشهر فان السبب الوحيد لعدم تدويني شئ عنه هو انه ليس هنالك كما لا يزال اي كلمات ، يمكن التعبير بها ، اول يوم واسبوع من الحادثة كانوا بمثابة انتهاء كل ما تبقى من امل ، انتهاء لروح هذا الوطن ، المنسي الان ، فلا المجرم تحاسب ولا الشعب حي ولا الفساد اختفى ولا الارواح جبرت وكل ما يمكنني تركه هو بضع هذه الكلمات التي مرت عليكم ممكن

مسافة كلا أسئلة وتفتيش
مسافة فيها منموت ونعيش
مسافة من الأحزان بيني وبينك يابلد
مسافة أمان

في بيني وبينك طرقات
محفورة بالاحلام محكومة بالتأجيل

في بيني وبينك آهات متروكة للأيام
تداوي القلب العليل

أتعرفين ما هو الوطن يا صفية ؟ الوطن هو ألا يحدث ذلك كله.

When it’s all ending the same way , everyday , going to sleep just to escape , to fade , to not exist here more , and then repeating this , so you just want this day not to do so , and you’re leaving your dying tired self on this state more because it doesn’t matter anymore , when you start feeling that you’re not numb but everything else is , when you look ridiculously how you had hopes and optimism and things you wanted back from five years and it’s just a big tragic hole that you don’t deserve so you walk up and you stand at the edge of it
The edge of a thin line , a thin line
Between finding sth to live for and to die for
Between finding one simple thing to be happy and killing yourself
Between fading away and being in the middle of the same hard reality
Between finding ease with freedom and getting tired to the point the black holes under your eyes aren’t handling
Between connecting to whom you love and leaving them away
Between finding a reason for what’s happening and thinking of a way out
Between finding home and being homeless

Between being mentally stable and having all your monsters come back
Between never finding a way back and being forever lost , blocked way
Between having a wonderful inner world and a grey void outer one
Between finding no words and finding all meanings
Between goodbye and goodbye

A thin line sticking to my heart and I’m standing effortlessly calmly on it

………

Nvm just a post-loosing all hope times

8/1/19

We crossed out
Like two breathes trying to sleep
At the same tone
At the same time
In a dark night
Getting in the void of everything
After a tired day
Running into a dark room
With one light ray
Hitting on the memories we can’t remember
Getting over the fear of tomorrow
Getting over the wreck we’ve made
Deep within ourselves
Laid a cure we didnt taste
Laid a light we’re trying to reach for
To taste home
To feel bliss more
That’s searching for us but we shut the door
Now we know
That the solution is searching for a solution the problem is how we deal with it
The rain just seems perfect
And everything else outside is a delusion
Now we know
That the question was always here
And the answer was always deep
And we ran into a dark room
With the sun in our hearts

السبت 9/3/2019

استيقظت باكرا للجامعة ، كان لدي محاضرة في الاقتصاد وقتها ، كان صباحا ابيضا ، حتى عندما نزلت الى الشاطئ بجانب الكلية كانت المياه والسماء مغطاة بالبياض ، لم يكن في تلك الفترة ما يشغل بالي ، وما كنت اتحدث كثيرا الى رفاقي ، البعض منهم من الجامعة قطعت علاقتي بهم ، وكان كل شيئ هادئا، ليس كالمعتاد ، في الليلة السابقة لذلك اليوم عاودت الحديث مع حبيبتي السابقة ، كنا قد اتفقنا حينها ان نعود اصدقاء وان نعقد هدنة سلام وان نتكلم مجددا بشكل طبيعي ( طبعا لم يحدث اي من ذلك لاحقا ) ، جالسا على الرمل تذكرت كل الوقت الذي مررنا به ، وكل ما تغير في حياتي حينها ، كنت قد امضيت معها حوالي الخمسمئة يوم ، وقررت ان امضي ، ان ابحث لوحدي عن معنى ، عن هدف ، ان احدد ما غاية الحياة التي امر بها او تمر بي ، واين انتمي ، واتخذت خمسمئة يوم أخرى كهدف لذلك ، كان اليوم . من كل ما تخيلته حينها لم يحدث شيئا منه في الوقت الراهن ،بغض النظر ان الحياة والكوكب بأجمع انقلبا في اخر مئتي يوم ، ومنهم حياتي الجامعية ، علاقاتي الجديدة ، وضع المعيشة والحالة التي وصلنا بها هنا ، الحالة النفسية والذهنية ، فإن الله يعلم كم من عوالم بداخلي مليئة بالحياة ، بالقصص ، بالشعور انه هنالك ما انتمي له ، من دون ان احدد ماهيته ، وكلما بحثت ان اجده هنا في هذا العالم كلما تهت اكثر واكثر ، الى ان علمت انني فقدت قلبي ونفسي في داخل حلم ، وكل المسعى الان هو ان اذهب اليه ، وانا اعلم انني لا ولن انتمي الى اي شيئ هنا ، من جميع الاحتمالات والاحلام والافكار ومحاولات البحث التي وضعتها ، لكنني لن اجد نفسي ، ولن اجد الخلاص حتى اينما ذهبت ، كل ما املك هو الله ، اصدقائي ، واللحظات التي شعرت بها بروح الحياة داخلي ، اللحظات الملامسة للجمال ، تلك التي تشعرني ان هنالك عوالم وراء كل شيئ مرئي . وانني تعبت ، وانا اعلم ان كل نهار آامل ان ياتي شيئ واحد يشعرني بالحياة ، شيئ اعيش لاجله ، شيئ من جميع الاماني البسيطة التي اريدها ، من جميع حالات السلام التي اسعى اليها ، ويوما عن يوم ادرك ان الخلاص بعيد جدا ، وانه لا سبيل للوصول اليه ، اي زمان او مكان او شخص ، لا يوجد ، وكإن الحياة تنذرني في كل فترة ان اتوقف عن السعي لانه ليس هنالك معنى ، فكل ما أحببته هو كل ما اعطيته المعنى بنفسي ، وغيره فانه مجرد قطع من الحياة بلا غاية ولا هدف ، وان لا اتربص بالامل ، ان اختار ان لا اختار الحياة ، فهي لم تعطني مقعد ثانوي فيها حتى ، وانه لن يهم مهما حاولت ان اكون بها وانني ادرك انها تافهة بنظام تافه بدون اي جدوى وجودية وادرك مدى تزييفها وانني لا اريد اصلا ان اكون بها ، انا وكل اصدقائي المقربين الذين يشكلون عائلتي ، ومهما حاولت يداي فعله فانه بعد مئة سنة ، لن يهم ولن يتذكره احد ولن يشعر به احد ، عندما تكون حيا في داخلك ستبقى فقط حيا في داخلك ، وان العالم مجرد بقعة ضياع وطريق الم ومسافة تعب ،يمكن كل ما نريده كان منذ زمن بعيد ، يمكن منذ 5000 يوم حتى عندما كان العالم صغيرا ومليئ بالسلام بأعيننا والان كله مضى ولن يعود ، اتمنى ان نلامس النجوم يوما ما…..اتمنى

ps: sarah yassine if you’ll ever come to read this it’s not about you , fuck you