Today was a fine day , A sunny clear day , You could hear the sound of leaves and wind all around the forest, People went surfing , And although we had alot of things to do , to play , and to make out of it, weirdly enough we did nothing , all of us at the same time , We just came , sit on anne’s doorway and listened to the silence We were hypnotized by the silence, Lips drinking juice, Yellow sandals , Hazel reading a book , The noise of windy and rose trying to disturb my tranquility…
We had a lot, we planned alot And we just sit around.. in silence.. and watched alot.
The wet roads, The bell sound on the door, Eyes, People crossing on bicycles down the road , Eyes, Someone’s beautiful scent , Kids far away balling at the beach, Eyes, Flips of pages, Alma’s suddenly spreading energy , Anne’s mom calling for dinner, Glittering eyes, Smiles on lips, Closed books, And footsteps of twelve peaceful kids…
Today was a fine day , we did nothing , but exist.
I blinked to a cat with one eye, The left one, The one i had, She did so to me with one eye , The left one , The one she didn’t have..
I ran over the wind, And a potato bag ran beside me, It stopped with the wind , While i stopped when I’ve beaten it..
And they ran in the novel, And they ran in the nights, And they ran in the school in a middle of nowhere, And they ran with the kites, And they ran with tears, And they ran with the memories over the years, And they ran with the ocean of fears, And the ocean of birthdays, The ocean of a thousand hope and a thousand tide..
What beyond them ? Where did they run too ? I’ll not accept it , I’ll not accept a sad story, Or a tragedy,
And if the heavens are sending me signs, Heavenly are heavens signs.. And if heavens carving a path, A path of heaven it carves.. and if i ever lose my way to heavens , Heavens will find your way to you..
As long as you run, It runs more to you, As long as you make meanings it gives signs, And as much it doesn’t care about meaning, You do.
And as much as there is roads there’s revelations and signs, And it’s not over, You wrote this when you’re dreaming, And you saw the cat in your sleep, With one eye.. And it doesn’t seem like, someone will understand you With two eyes.. Or knows what you’re meaning, You know what you’re meaning , You just don’t know what is it.
The cat blinked. With one eye. The left eye. Forever. I blinked. With one eye. The left eye. Forever there.
It was Summer 2013 during Ramadan , I went with my cousin, neighbors, and our mosque friends to a summer camp. To cut it short it felt like another place another world back then , all green , green hills like those in japanese anime and , and each group took a cirle or group of single rooms with qarmid , I vomited all the way over there , not because of traveling distances but because i was sick , i was sad because i couldn’t fast and i didn’t know i even wasn’t supposed to fast because of traveling.. We played football , wrestled , and set our bags in the rooms and spend the day outside, They told us of the many things to do at night and it looked great , Then it was time for dinner , everyone from all groups sat in a cafeteria that was up above the hill and we began iftar , i wasn’t fasting and i ate all day so i wasn’t hungry , i finished the first one , got up and went outside , maybe because i love empty night spaces , maybe that’s who i am , i looked across and i saw the shop open , i wanted to buy chips but the money i had were in my bag in the room all the way down there , it was the most far to reach room in the entire camp , but i went on walking, the camp was all lighted up , even our circle , but except out room, no lights no electricity , i opened the door, ticked all the switches , nothing , ticked again , nothing.. I brought my bag and sat on the doorway to catch some light, got the money and turned around to put back the bag in the closet, when i put it , a song came out , it exploded through all the dark room and i was looking at a dark abyss not knowing what was there , a djin voice was laughing , a laugh so terrifying and sarcastic i couldn’t even imagine before , it echoed without a single point of if , I ran And it’s funny that when i think of this now i laugh although it was one of the most terrifying and frightening moments of my life , but i ran , i ran alllll the way while fearing to even put my legs on the ground , i was flying And how i wished someone was filming how i ran , i still till today don’t doubt i would’ve broken the world record… I just remember legs, lights ,grass and me screaming for the captain,
everyone rushed out , i couldn’t speak , but they got the few words i was telling , djin down there , i don’t remember anyone laughed but they were speculating and i was too, we told let’s go all together and figure it out , we went and when we reached the room the lights were all back again , still surprised , we searched for someone , nothing , anything here there , nothing , for the next two hours it was others reading doaa and prayers on me and then we went to the nught prayer , i was scared because my feet were all liqued-ish althrough i just touched grass bare-footed , we went on , we played football , we swam , we had one of the best night , although now i don’t know anyone of these kids anymore , i don’t know anything about my childhood friends and my neighbors anymore , to get back , everyone was denying what i experienced then , but one things was sure , NO ONE , NO ONE slept inside all the rooms that night… we layed outside and slept on the grass , with a starry night and we woke up after sunrise with the sun burning our faces , when it was time to go we went inside again to pick and organize our stuff , i was putting all my stuff in the bag while sitting on the bed with my cousin and there was the captain and 6 others of us in the room wrestling , suddenly, the sound cane out again , i looked around ,it really did , and everyone is there … my cousin jumped and hugged me and we rushed to the corner of the bed , one was laying on the ground just got up and was jumping , others rushed outisde quickly and someone rushed and jumped out of the window and the other followed him to see if anything is outside … hilarious istg , anw it turns out it was a ringtone a boy had , and he never told anyone , he might have never knew it was his phone ringing , yeah that’s it ,a ringtone on the phone that rang inside an empty closest in the same time and circumstances that let this story to happen …
Sometimes i dream, Some others i wander in reality, I saw a qoute on a youtube comment section for someone the other day , that if you find yourself with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy you , the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world , and most probably for another people . You see i dream , But whenever i wake up i am 100% sure i was in the real world, I forget about this place completely, This isn’t it , this isn’t the real life , and this isn’t myself, And i keep searching here for people long lost inside my dream , knowing I’ll never find them here..
The other day i dreamed i saw myself , I was watching it from above , How he talks , acts , smiles… then the dream zoomed on my face , i was just watching my face as an external force , then he started crying.. I watched myself crying in a dream , for a long time.
And here i cry , on a youtube video , on a quraan verse , on a song , or an anime scene , or among a manga panel where nothing happens , or on a character sitting under a basketball net.. I cry because i feel that a piece of me exists there and I’m not with it rn , or probably, I’m there and reading/ watching myself lost in spaces beyond space , and here i am , in a not so me life , nor mind , nor self , not even being recognized..
My therapist asked me the other day what did i want to do really , i didn’t answer then , now i feel like looking back , that we just want to be understood, We just want to share the burden of being, To have some external element.. a person , group , culture , values.. that hold some meaning within us , To elevate all these fears and anxieties and suffering we’re having , And to allow us to connect , Discover some center within , something that we can hold on to and say I’m alive , I’m here.
“I want someone to tell me what to wear every morning. I want someone to tell me what to eat. What to like, what to hate, what to rage about, what to listen to, what band to like, what to buy tickets for, what to joke about, what not to joke about. I want someone to tell me what to believe in, who to vote for, and who to love, and how to tell them. I just think I want someone to tell me how to live my life, Father, because so far I think I’ve been getting it wrong.” Fleabag , Fleabag series
And now I’m torn between Trying to be a better man Trying to accept the man I am The people that I’ve talked to And the books that I’ve read And the TV shows and movies that I’ve seen Are all I have to turn to And learnin’ how to live But when? (When?) When? (When?) When? (When?) When will I ever learn?
Work , walk , mosque Pray , lay , fall asleep You’re in another world before you know it Sometimes i wish that’s how life is And maybe that’s how it is
You’re in there There’s people you know But they aren’t the people you know There’s people you don’t know But they’re the people who knows you really And they’re all just good And it’s all a good place And it’s all a good ceremony
There’s festivals friends and food There’s madfa3 and suns And yellow buildings with green floors And a land not found in your wildest imagination And a feeling that fills your heart You’re there where you belong And it’s all good now And whatever you’ve been through It’s over , it’s all over That life you’ve been at was just a dream And it’s all over now , it was a mere second And you’re glad and happy
When u remember that And u tell yourself that And you hug it “This is where i am now , it was all a bad dream , this is my reality now” And you hug it Like you’re hugging a pillow filled with stars And you sink Sink Sink Sink In it
. . It’s a dark space So it’s nothing But you remember there was something right ? Wait wait wait you were somewhere You were still in that dream , that life Your think and you open your eyes before you know it, where were you ?
It’s dark There’s no one You’re in an empty dark mosque underground Ohhh you’re back here , you tell yourself And you feel you’ve lived just for a second here But here you are again You pick yourself and go back I wish it’ll all pass fastly like a dream
Someday well go away We will never see another morning The sun will fade The mountains will be moved Our houses will be empty More than what we feel
And i guess its meant to be that no one will hear our stories And no will will hear our songs And no one will hea all the screams we once hoped for Of joy and pain and glory and heaet wrenching feelings
And i guess its meant to be to end To remind us of who we are Without having to live longer To support the delusion that it wont happen
That we are just sands trying to figure it out Trying to make sense That we are on the edge of the shore Trying to glorify all our colors that dont exist The sands will either uncover earth or be sunk down In the sea that stays At least for another stride of meaningless times
Good god that stays My heart aches for times beyond time Where our memories will never be known And our rooms and drawers will never be emtpy And all that we collected All that we captured All that we gifted and take All the letters we wrote Will be even longing for the wind
Good god beyond the infinite I will not grief Youre the only hope Because youre the all ever seeing All ever protecting All the ever holder of everything our souls dwelled into and with
And if we ever lived to share longer It would be just with you What good is living if not with you What remains that that hold meaning not to you
It will pass Even if you feel you’re not these Even if the sturggle will carry on to the sun Even if you feel that time is stuck in a long vivid dream Even if you feel the uncertainty of dying Even if you feel that you’ve seen it all Watched all Heard all And all left now is standing on the abyss of an unknown infinite future Feeling it will end the next second It will pass
No matter if you struggled for three thousand years Or lost everyone you love Or even loved , passed through , lived All that it could pass And passed through unlived lives It will pass
With the feelings stuck in this place With the here and now we didn’t get And the things you wished you’d get but didn’t With these circles of round buildings surrounding your sense of time You will pass
Whenever you understand that its not meant Not written Not deserved For you And you run Without thinking you’ll pass it It will before you know it Just run It will with you Like all the dreams you carry with you everyday from your sleep And that it might eventually pass some day and be one
تستفيق من غفوتك على كلمة “تسلملي” والتي تعني اكثر من الحياة باكملها الحياة التي هي مجرد غفوة
عندما رحلت جدتي لم اشعر إنها توفت لقد رأيتها وهي تغادر روحها جسدها وعندما حدقت بجثتها لساعات وعندما انزلتها الى القبر انا متقبل انها ماتت ولكنني لا اشعر بذلك
عندما علمنا انها فارقت الحياة بدأنا بمكالمة العائلة كالمت امي لأقول لها وبعدما بكت اردت القول ان لا تقل لجدتي لانها لا يمكنها تحمل اخباراً كهذه.. نسيت انها هي من توفى
ولا اعلم إن يجب علي الحزن انها ذهبت او إنني لا أشعر بذلك أو إني الأن يجب علي قضاء دهرٍ بأكمله بدونها تكون الحياة غفوة الا بدونها
ان من بترت اطرافهم يعانون بشعور وهمي بها يطلق عليه الطرف الشبح اي عند الجراحون.. وعندما ذهبت هي بترت مني حياتي وفقط اشعر بها ليبدأ شتاء لا ينتهي
لا تعلم كيف سوف تقضي صباحاتك او مع من تشارك قصص القران والانبياء او التحدث عن الله والجنة معه او أكل السكر نبات والشاي
جدتي لم تكن تقرأ ولا تكتب ولم تكن تعرف أن النجوم شموس ولا عن حجم الكون ولا عن أن كل شي يتكون من ذرات ولم تكن تعلم أن الخليج لم يعد قن دجاج ولا عن الاحتباس الحراري ولا عن المشاهير ولا عن المسلسلات والافلام ووو ولم تكن تعلم من برشلونة ومن من ولا اذا كانت الملاعب هنا او في الخارج ولم تكن تعرف معنى جميع الكلمات الأجنبية التي كنت اقولها وكانت ترددها دائما ( هاو ار يو ، لوف يو سوسو ، اوهايو ) ولكنها لم تكن تعلم ايضا انها تملك اكبر قلب على الكوكب وان جميع ابتساماتها على مر العمر كانت جميعها هي ذاتها وكانت عندما تعلم بمشكلة شخص مارٍ تحمل همه او همنا ولم تكن تعلم عيد ميلادها حتى ولكن كانت تحتفل بعيدك انت كأنها ولدت من جديد او تخاف عند قولنا اننا سنسافر ونتركها كانت تعلم الدعاء والاخرة، من الآمن ان اقول اكثر من جميع البشر الذين عرفتهم.. وكانت تتذكر ان تقول “الله يرضى عليك” ثلاثين مرة في النهار او عزمك ثلاثين مرة على وجبة او طعام كل صباح ، عصر ، مساء
كان بودي ان اقبلها ان اقول لها ان الحياة لا تسوى عفطة عنز بدونها او اعمل دراما ولكني متعب من كل هذا تعبت من كل الامور البشرية والعلاقات البشرية وحتى من تفكيري
دفنتها ، قبلت قدميها ، وقلت اراكِ في الجنة انشالله من سنة ارسلت الي صورة قدميها بالخطأ لانها لا تعلم ما هو البرنامج ومن هو الشخص وكيف نرسل صوراً عسى ان تعلم ان الجنة تحتهم عسى ان لا اعيش دهرا طويلا مثلها ، بدونها عسى ان افيق على يديها فوق رأسي وعلى كلمة “تسلملي” من هذا الحلم…
How could i know ? I wander Why are you like that ? They ask
Or why do you watch what you watch Read what you read Listen what you listen
Maybe that’s who i am But i dont know what is it
I’m certain of me But i don’t define it And i know it’s not that fine down here But it is warm Very warm
Instead all the questions that passed The winds that passed The people and the waves I wanted a confirmation
That it’s fine to be like that That I’m not a burden Not even to myself
It means that your therapist says all the inner counterattacks rituals u do And it means to go back To all the nice messages that were left behind By left people
And it means To hear your name next to a morning message Like it is telling you you’re here No matter how you are You’re here now
Whatever the person might go on with life Whatever all these times will be remembered Or these places will sieze to exist Or yourself will change or not
Even if it doesn’t matter you’re here, You’re here
With all the unsaid letters Or the non sent goodbyes And the unlived lives And the not given apologies And the unreturned smiles or cares
Maybe if you asked me instead Why are you doing this ? I’d say for god solely
The dream ends The night exists Time fades Spaces not be anymore Your name said will forever be lost God stays
And maybe it’s not hard to be here at all With all what defines you Even if sad You the undefined abyss But at least you’ve got that
And you’ve get to give yourself a confirmation too By writing Like now
By smiling to no smiles By waving the doors without goodbyes By living new lives yet to be lived By apologizing to yourself for handling too much goodness
By returning morning messages, with names beside it And it matters for once That its okay to be here And its okay to not be okay
If you’re not taking care of yourself then What are you here for ?
We might think of the way to live To go To decide And sometimes we submit We tend to run from both But we engage completely In the flow of possibilities Where life got infinite more On a larger scale But chess Chess is a game And a game is not life But it is in life Where we might be down In the paths of defeats In our daily lives But we escape to games If we played , if we didn’t It doesnt matter If we win or lose We run and escape We become the board Because we don’t want to think of life Of the more infinite possibilities in it But maybe in games We can sense that small victory Maybe in them Whether we participated or we were just watching We can have sth that culd define us Way beyind our daily lives Maybe that’s why we play games And why we should play life There’s no play But we play And we got immersed We can’t get addicted to life But we can get addicted to chess And as the pieces move Fall and rise Kill and be killed They participate of a very greater thing Way beyond their understanding And possibilities Way beyond even the minds moving them Chess is just life minimized And life is just chess not glorified And we can loose i both And we can scream i both And we can be im them Here But we can never know to where Or who Or us Life is a game But winning and loosing aren’t fast Aren’t determined Aren’t immediate and aren’t free So we invented games to minimize life To give psychological and mental and physical rewards more sufficiently Easily And faster than life More time on them More rewards More addiction More mind games
In life we dont know where we stand We stand at a sea At infinity But in chess we stand in our minds Standing on white and black blocks And i think its a human condition to take the road-less traveled
zaki monzer 