zaki monzer

Some saturday sunsets

Sometomes on Saturdays i get out to sit in the field beside the neighborhood,
There’s all sort of things,
Mostly parties if there’s a birthday or event ,
Either than thay it’s kids playing ball,
I don’t participate, but i name each of the old pals instead of the kids playing ,
And i wander through the old days ,
The people here are very kind and they give much care to someone old like me ,
I tell them stories at nights and the call me insane , mostly kids , while at morning they’re just busy playing and getting their cup from the sun .
Pretty funny for someone who was once pointed at as the last sane human..
But one day little gel was injured so he get off and sat beside me.
-“playing on sand is fun but rough right grandpa? ” he asked
“If u don’t know how to use if ” i replied
-“How’s so ? For what ?”
“u should flow through it , not just jumping and running over it , feel yourself as if you’re the sand… ahh i guess you’re still a kid.. maybe you won’t get it”
-“It just hurts ” , he said “the sand is hot too “
“One time we swam under sand”
-“under sea ?”
” No no under sand besides the see ” a warm smile was surrounding my face
-He asked ” And How’s that possible ? Plus u can just go under water “
” well dear , in our days water was just like fire now , it would burn you if you even touch it , and the seas where we swam where either of lava or sand , but here st the coast it wall just water , well that is until great girl joy came..”
-“Joyyy ? Lavvaaa ? ” he asked while making a disgusted face
“Joy waa a redhead , Forget it” i continued “playing is good when u can’t understand the world”
He sat there silent for a while , then he asked me curiously:
-“and how were you able to breath under sand ?”
“If i told you you won’t believe me”
-“well you’re no mind man(he means insane) i think , i don’t believe you , but I’m trying to imagine..” he said with a pure voice.
“Well im no mind but yesterday i was mind , today you are mind but if i snuck you into my childhood there won’t be anyone who’ll be friends with you , because you’ll be no mind too there”
He said then : ” maybe someday I’ll get it” and i laughed my eyes out.

Sometimes good witch anne was getting us oxygen under sand , other times star , or it depends , that so until the sand man came by” .

-“what is he or them ?”

“Maybe he was a fraction from my mind , but they , my friends , told me otherwise , his name was rolly , but a reptile man ended him”

-“another reason why you’re no mind is that you’ve been living alone for so long , you have no friends”

“i do some people come flying for me at times”

-“i hear such stories , but i don’t believe them”

“then u have mind that u turn off mind , anw go play i guess your wound is healed , sand man rolly told me so , but remember son , no one who has good friends is alone ” He looked surprised, his wound was healed in the instance without him noticing while talking , he went on and played , and i gazed from a distant at all the people and the kids , the next time he was about to score the goal he looked my way and stood in chock , he lost the ball and they were shouting at him but he only stood with his mouth opened , maybe because he saw a redhead woman with a hat beside me , he pointed at her and she shouted at him to play… i laughed my eyes out

black Summer

My ghost beyond time

My brother showed me a reel for their class in the school we used to attend for all our life up to high school,
I pretented to be neutral,
To show no emotion,
Like i always do ,
To be such a stoic.
Then when he left i broke down jnto tears ,
Then i listened to it alone and went more into an ocean of grief ,
Grief for childhood unfulfilled
For a life not completed
For memories i wishes i die at
For places i wish i stayed at forever
For people i hoped to live a million lives with
With people who even died
And others i don’t know anything about anymore
And memories that will be burried just with..

Im breaking rn
U can’t take the weight of these , but you gotta carry that weight , tillthe day you die.

Memories that will be burried with you forever , and maybe memories that might be only stuck with you and you only lived such a nostaligic deep joyful time and maybe no one of these kids remember them anymore , maybe no one of them still exists anymore , maybe life changes..
Maybe i changed but that kid in me is still the true me and still following the shadow of his younger life , unlived…
Uncontinued…
I was reading kafka by the shore lately and i came up across an interpretation for ghost stories im Japanese culture , and i remembered the one from oyasumi punpun , and about how the ghost are about souls grieving for older days.
What if my ghosts when i was a kid are me now..
What if what we feared me and my sistes , what we used to wake up each other for if anyone wanted to go to the bathroom at midnight when we were kids , is our older selves grieving for these memories of love
For these night nothing bothered us ,
We used to come home and turn tv and just watch cartoons
We used to belong into an inner world without even knowing whats the outer
And the outer was a school where we just played and screamed and made as much games as we could with our minds
Whyyyyyyyy
Why does life changed
Why does life do this
I might read a thousand book and story and know many philosophies and interpretations for why we grow we go what we do and socialize and fuck our selves in this modern era .
But i can’t take it anymore
Whyyyyy
Why did we leave heaven..
I ….I’m still struggling in my adulthood to move on from my childhood , from my teenage years and from very single stage in my life , because i was living in worlds i didn’t want to go away from , and it passed so quickly , and we grow up in an instant , and everyones not here , and youre not here , and the places aren’t here , and i dontknow what to do anymore , and days and days pass and you dont even think about it anymore , then comes a song , a scent , a face to reminds you of it ….. god if i just can in heaven live , maybe not in a fully heavenly landscapes and rivers , but in their , in my childhood , in the ground where i sat and watched cartoons every weekend, in the playground of the school , in the games we used to make in the desks , in all the teenage dreams , and in the all thinking we thoughts we’d lived , and people we thought we’d continue with but we didn’t, but we were happy , even though we were tired to wake up at 7 am everymorning , even my teenage years , in the unfulfilled not completed destroyed college life we had , and the many friendhips that passed too , and in all the neighborhood brothers who went far away , god , i just wanna return to that usneen real world , to that forgotten nostaligic place that didnt happen and didnt continue , god if i could become a ghost too i wish i could , to those pencilcase and night stories i made in bed , to those curious silent gazes , to those warm , warm hearts , we used to have , before we grow up without knowing…

Fall green

Somewhere

I’m writing this in an unexpected way
Because events in life happen in an unexpected way
And when they are expected even
Unexpected feelings hits you .

I was reading across a saying by the prophet that is : ” the faithful in their matual amiability , compassion , and sympathy , are like one body that when one organ is sick , the rest of the body responds with Insomnia and fever “
It’s not hidden the suffering im passing through
And that maybe I’m an open book
Its not like i crave attention
But i don’t consider anything my own so i share all my thoughts even in public.
Because for a guy like me with my mental illness im everything but my thoughts.
But if a kind of such faithful people should be around me , a kind of a loveling brotherhood or friendhood , if its really okay for you to find a place where you feel at that its okay for you to live , to grief and to have someone pat you ..
Then why there’s none ?
Am i for that extent invisible ?
Or that the problem is an inner one ?
What if there was a community for the faithful but i wasn’t one ?
When will i stop questioning myself and everyone that passed .

When will i ever get an answer , to get a hint of that place , of that people , somewhere somehow in the world.. when you don’t have to ask to get an apology or care or understanding or a good word..

black Spring

Of monsters and hopes

I wasn’t afraid of my monsters under my bed when i was a child ,
And i dont believe in monsters under my bed now ,
But i dont believe in myself either..
I prayed for god to show me the way
And i wasn’t here
I walked through the path of hell,
I longed to my bed,
And I’m fighting 24/7 the monsters i don’t believe at,
To relieve the self i dont believe at..
so this is a redemption act
I tried to guess but why should i pass through them ?
Then i remembered i asked god to show me the way
I went in the way into my closet,
I hung myself in all the people i killed,
I ran through a football field looking, at the sky screaming to heaven,
I was jumping in a bar im the shire,
I was the schizophrenic old man in the town party,
And i walked over the sea with my bare foot ,
Its a death , a forgetting , and a rebirth , a redemption ,
I asked god to show me the way..
But i was away,
I spent 500 days to reach peace
5 years to reach myself
And a single seccond to tear it all up,
And then reload it all
Again
Again
And again
Goodmornings
Schools
Runs
Prayers
Paint
Language
Write
Read
Watch
Go
Come
Play
Cry
Mess
Scream
Shower
Sleep
Repeat
Over
Over
And over again
Im not afraid im wasting my time because im not
Im afraid im still far away from the path i asked god for
You see i asked him for the path of heaven
But it runs through a miled of clouded hell right ?
So you can’t ask why is it so fucked up messed up life self mind time going on
I wanted to out as peaceful as i can be
Now i want to get out as strong as i can ever be
That if , if i got out , i found i ever existed
Hope
Tangles on a string
On a tinyyyyy tiny little string
Like a slow , spinning, rolling , redemption ..

Summer white

The year of the rabbit

It’s the year of the rabbit,
I’ve been through a really existential roller-coaster,
And the only certain thing i know in this sea of years,
In this sea of uncertainties,
Is that I’m a rabbit.
I went through that hole without getting back
And some went down searching for me without getting back ,
And i went down wanting to know me and i didnt know where ,
I was learning japanese the other day and a single word irritated me , “where” .
Maybe what brings me back ain’t a place that i belong to , but “where” is it ,
Where is them , and where is i in the first place,
Here goes another theory , go on on a rabbit hole in search/pursuit of wonder , but but but what if , you go there , because you’re running from your self and all its bad acts or character ?
And what if the rabbit hole , and these dimensional worlds going from a narrow hole into a wide landscape, were real , but you weren’t,
What if you , yourself , is the tiny self hallucinations of these worlds…
And what if you didn’t go inside that world out of reality , but rather that that world went on outside you inside of reality , and reality went on outside you inside of that world…

Was it that you went in , because the world demanded it for you to exist in a certain time in a certain space and go in , and if so why demanded , whats your worth when u can’t find yourself , and you want to discover it , jumping in the hole of it , but you’re afraid of jumping in the hole in your self.
What is called the rabbit hole because the rabbit got in the hole , or that the hole gets you to the rabbit ?
Did the rabbit get in the hole or was the hole the entire rabbit’s world ? The entire rabbit’s self ?

We rabbits are happy rabbits
With fear , doubt , hate , shame , sadness , madness , emptiness ..
We rabbits are absolutely happy , glad , thanking rabits.

red Winter

I run

I’m glad I’m in a place in my life when someone asks me what do you do , and i respond ” i run “.
Like im having the urge to explode all of it out,
And this urge came from when i was even a kid ,
I ran away in school
I ran away from classes
I ran away from the neighborhood and wandered through streets
I ran away from the hospital on my brother’s birth and get lost on the streets

I ran away when we were on a family trip on the snow and i just wanted to go far , far away into the white abyss…
I was a kid , i didn’t have any objective , i just wanted so…

I always as a kid used to imagine and think of plans and strategies of breaking out of home and running away , and i was really little i had noooo goal of it i was just planning and saying tomorrow I’ll do this , next week I’ll do this , I’ll just go , I’ll just begone and im just a lost kid who’s family is grieving about…

I grew up and i still wanted to break out
From my family
My social life
My country
From this world
From it all
Because you see
I lived a million lives through it all in my head
But i never lived a single life through it all
Because i don’t belong to any of it all
Im in the normal base life
I don’t belong to any space here
Sometimes my heart aches because i can’t explain how i view things , god , or life
And that im alone just watching everything from a distance …
And sometimes my heart lifts and just screams of joy,

Maybe that i belong to that unkown,
Maybe i wanna run to the time i wasn’t even born,
To that void,
To that unknown,
Now i try to run to it through my mind in the media i like,
The worlds i dive into,
And through my legs in the tears i sob , not sweat, the tears .
And maybe I’m running towards that kid on the snow..
And i wake up every morning to the same alarm “and i was running far away , would i run off the world someday ?”
Someday, somehow, somewhere , far far deep away..

Blue Fall

Standing on the edge of memory

Post author By Zaki Monzer
Post date February 25, 2023
No Comments on Standing on the edge of memory

You can remember as far as youre young ?
-Mmm yeah
How young ?
-Around months young only
How so
-I feared a toy in the photograph place my mom and my uncle took me to.. i still remember it , as much as i remember many visions of my childhood , things that are to hard to believe i do remember .
U think you remembered because it was stuck with a feeling ?
-I dont know , i dont think so , many memories of happy feelings i dont remember anymore , i lost track of dates i loved some people , i dont remember even when did i love exactly certain people , and when did i tell them that…
Do you remember any chat with any one ?
-I dont remember anymore .
Neither photos ?
-Neither anything , im usually nowadays asking the other person im talking to if ive told him this before or not..
What about life
-I dont remember which year what happened or what event in which year, i dont remember which year i was supposed to graduate or even which year the pandemic happened or which year a football game i loved even occured , its like i lost track of time and years , and sometimes im afraid that everyone still remember except me.
Do you remember anything hard to remember ?
-I remember faraway distant dreams from ages ago , i get flashes , without any meaning or any connection or any feeling i just recoil them back..
What about things you love ?

-There’s nothing i can hold to , its like , its a point , and each time im stuck and i try to remember , my world , stories i liked , people i loved , memories i had , things i went through , all my redemptions , all my changes , my development, There’s nothing , i sometimes wake up a blank space not knowing or feeling everything about the day before , its sad when it was a day to remember or when you feel whole , faithful, good , etc and you wake up with a hole , and trying to chase a dream you left a minute ago , just to forget it too immediately..
Then you’re stuck with what?
-My thoughts , my intrusive thoughts
Did you try not to think about them?
-Yes
Did you try not to fear them?
-Yes
Did you try to move on from them?
-Yes
Did you try to make yourself busy with whatever?
-Yes

Did you pray
-Yes
Did you stand with everything, with everyone
-Yes
Did everything anything anyone stand by you
-No
Did you remember them
-No
Did you try to remember
-Yes
Did you remember
-Remember what
Who you are
-Who am i
You are me
-I don’t remember

Summer Yellow

Little infinities

I know i don’t always get a not-lonely night
And i know i dont even get a day free from my mental terrors
But sometimes i get a moment that will make me go like :
Oh look you’re at a wholesome small infinity and it doesn’t matter what will happen the next second because you’re at a pure meaningful loving memory.
When you fall asleep unintentionally and wake up to your grandmas voice just realizing and saying ” yaaburne ” ,
When your sisten kisses you on the back at a night ride ,
When your identical baby cousins switch names and each answer you with the others name and you dont know who is who,
When your baby cousin tells you to come so he’ll just wanna kiss you ,
When you see two young women playing and building with the rocks on the sideway of a park because maybe they never got too ,
When you’ve been at the worst and not feeling if youre even good at anything anymore even being good but you help that human sitting on the street on a cold night ,
When you see a pure young boy saying to a dead religious figure on his graveyard ” goodnight sayed , ill see you tomorrow “
When a girl keeps watching you from a distance but youre even afraid to look to make her feel shy , knowing that youll never see her again ,
When you see your reflection on the glasses on an empty mall and just.. dance ,
When you reward two unknown working women after a long lonely day because you dont know what to do in life and they just thank you happily,
When someone tells you not to die because he’s not prepared yet for it ,
When you hear that you’re a geniune huggable person ,
When your brother rushes to put money in sadaka because you told him you dreamed of him going to hajj ,
When your ex best friend waves from you from far far far away in the crowd…
Maybe i should stick to these little infinities,
Maybe they only matter now

Spring white

I forget…

I know i don’t really think of any meaning of time
But im writing this
Maybe to myself , maybe.
It may be a fast year , but i reached rock bottom.
It may be that i didn’t do work like strive for anything, but i did alot , alot of progress and daily stuff..

Maybe now i dont remember any,
And maybe in many times i forget what happens,
The tragedy of my life that i only remember my intrusive thoughts,
I even forget myself or what i did or my world
I forget , i dont always remember , sorry god , and sorry myself,
But to try to recoil them i guess ill be a bit proud ,
I finished the quraan for the 4th time this year , 3 times this year,
I made some beautiful videos,
I made some paintings ,
I wrote here some stuff,
I did alot of good deads for many and for my friends and family daily,
I ran 5k and more for many many many days,
I watched and read alot,
I came closer(hopefully) to god,
I attended many rituals and studies,

I met beautiful people,
I left beautiful people,
And im saying alot,
Alot of which this might never get,
But i was never mad or sorry about anyone,
I was sorry about myself,
To be left .

I cleared my heart alot,
Started night prayers,
I finished my uni courses,
I played allooottttt of chess,
I made some sketches ,
I swam at sea,
I traveled for the first time,
I read maybe the most of books in a year in my life even if not alot,
I organized many things,
I learned many many stuff,
I wrote some stories on paper,
I was joyful sometimes and tried to lighten my heart to the world and to flow,
And took some good shots of memories , even if with myself only,
And i tried…
I tried.

Blue Winter

Self ocd reflections

7 years , it comes , it goes
You dont know if you’re afraid of it
Or afraid that it will stop and come back in a farther future
Or afraid of it coming in many other forms and topics.
When anything could trigger you , anything , even a single dot gou see or hear can start an endless circle of pain and struggling ,
And you start , another stage , another self defensive mechanisms, another mind games , thought counts , thought strategies and circles of a clash between you and someone you dont even know who wants to tell you its completely you and you dont exist ,
While you feel that you never existed , and you keep struggling to not let one single thought of it enters, no no , one single thought of it to be thought about ,
And then once again , defensive mind mechanisms , other reiterate sayings and actions and symbols and so on so on , until you get to the next subject
And no one fucking knows
No one fucking sees
I was sitting with my best friend for an hour and was counting how many thoughts passed , he was blown away , he was blown away and i was in my best times , i never even show that .
And just knowing that my friend got also fractions of it made me at ease , we as people with pure ocd feel way more better when we know someone feels us , knows us , we feel better when we see a picture just stating what we go through , or even a video , or even someone talking online , because we’re here , left alone , that most of the time i forget my identity , i forget everything..
And even sometimes i feel way better when someone or some people at public do the things we fear to think , and they even feel proud about it and they laugh and they go on without having conscience , like like , i feel better i feel i feel im good in the middle of this unknown mess that is making me everything but not good , i feel this is happening because im good , and that even if all the time im fighting the things that go against my will to prove it , that I’m it
And i dont want to end like crona
I don’t
I want to break free
I want to be fine
I want to be out