I wasn’t a kid when i was a kid ,
I was a kid when I was not ,
I smell like corn when I’m tired or sweaty ,
Maybe because when i was a kid ,
I stood under it’s leaves ,
Running from the sun ,
And then it , the corn scent , hit me forever .

I wonder in good dreams lately ,
No secret to be found ,
No dreams to be remembered either ,
So they continue for continues days ,
Hopeful that my days will be washed like them ,
As i continue to not be washed for days ,
Because there’s no sweat found on my skin ,
Even after running ,
So i smell like corn .

Would a world filled with me just be corn-flowers ?
I was born at midnight ,
But ever since my first morning and the sun is still hitting me ,
I would be calm as a corn-flower ,
As i always am here ,
And i know there’s nothing like corn-flowers here ,
But a world filled with me , and only me ,
Would not be silent or calm ,
It would be loud , screaming , of joy definitely ,
Joy ,
Of daydreams at days ,
Of running , sweating , and not smelling like corn ,
Without caring of the sun hitting me , or us ,
Us ,
All of us that are of me .

I’m not talking ,
But ain’t silent ,
Mouths say it’s cold , sarcastic , some calm ,
I don’t see me ,
I’m not silent .

I’m not speaking ,
I get sick before getting words out ,
A crime if i do ,
Same as speaking out to ,
Even while praying ,
Bunch it all up in a bag ,
I’m still not silent ,
Maybe not enough .

A wind breeze rushed in ,
When i was rushing inside ,
To pray the words i try to hang ,
Each time i try ,
To make sense of the “i pray because i exist” ,
My right side felt the wind ,
I recalled the sky from the other day , split apart ,
My right side from today touched the left side of the sky from yesterday ,
Touched but not felt ,
The sky wanted to be felt ,
So i prayed once again ,
As a split person in a split sky ,
Maybe for the first time in two split of times ,
For me to fly , and for the sky , to be felt .

I feel very late ,
I feel lately ,
That I’m doing things ,
Things i didn’t do ,
So i wonder and maybe i wondered alot ,
So i blame myself ,
But i read blame then i remembered ,
I’d forget about this time too ,
Maybe it wasn’t wasted ,
Maybe i was still searching ,
Still carying this rope to the mean time ,
Only now i feel it more often ,
As the dire need for home comes closer ,
And it reaches my throat ,
That i breath with while running ,
To make room for youth ,
To search in what ally i went there ,
And i forgave the walls i leaned on ,
I forgave the desks i cried under ,
I forgave the roads i never crossed ,
I forgave myself i never saw , or will ,
If we ever crossed time roads ,
And since i use a lot of breathing now ,
My throat is full ,
There’s no room left for home .

I ran through hell ,
In hell i was alive ,
A boy ran under the sun , today ,
But i felt it there ,
Why you can’t hear the answers ,
I knew it there ,
Where you could only see them ,
I felt like running again,
Although i know that just one step further , and I’ll break .

If i could go back i could again ,
Continue the miles through pain ,
I told myself ,
But it’s all like life ,
Once it end , there’s nothing more ,
It was life , how it should be ,
How it should end ,
Life itself , and nothing more .

Just as pain going down ,
Like the river’s waters ,
I went down ,
Like a bold character with bold hair ,
Although I’m a bold character with bold hair ,
But i wasn’t like him ,
Until today ,
I will ,
I was will .

I sat with a cat by my side ,
Not because i love her ,
But because they loved her ,
I sat thinking of the difference ,
That i felt between waking up and being asleep ,
Because i don’t feel at all .

The cat in the wind ,
I’m in the wind ,
With the cat , of two different colors ,
I watched two films ,
One about being silent ,
The other about listening ,
They became my coping space ,
Because they left with my songs ,
And now I’m trying to search for a third movie ,
Or thirty kilometers to run .

They are telling me to make a choice ,
The same as like two years ago , or so ,
When i left her ,
I couldn’t make a choice ,
Like now ,
Now I’m writing this because i can’t commit a killing ,
To myself ,
Because god created me this way ,
They tell me why i am like this ,
As if i wished so ,
As if i could know ,
As if i could know ,
As if i could .

My writings were lost ,
My stories were ,
I wondered why ,
The dog ate the poems there too ,
He sat by the river ,
So i sit here by myself ,
My writings were lost ,
Because i am lost ,
And because they are a part of me ,
That doesn’t exist here ,
They were gone , from here ,
And I’m not depressed , down , or it the it ,
I’m simply not ,
I’m simple ,
I wish i was not .

Please god , don’t you see ,
Just a boy not caught up in dreams ,
Please, see me ,
Just a man not caught up in fantasies ,
Reaching out for you ,
For someone I can’t see ,
And i can’t see anything else as well ,
But you do god ,
You always do .

Take my hand ,
Let’s see where we wake up tomorrow ,
From where i do come ,
What could i plan ,
I’ll be damned if i do ,
I can just run from my tears ,
God, tell us the reason ,
My youth was wasted when i was young ,
My life was wasted when i was young ,
It’s hunting season ,
And the world is running fast ,
So i decided to slow my legs down .

I’m not searching for meaning ,
Who are we when you did ,
Dropped the waters and made it exist ,
Woe is me when i say I’m glad i exist ,
Best memories brings you sorrow ,
And it’s only your own ,
Turn the page ,
Like everyday’s sun ,
Maybe we’ll find a brand new ending ,
Not brand new us .

Where we were running in our tears ,
I thought I saw you out there crying ,
But i wasn’t ,
I thought I heard you call my name god ,
Between trees on road sides ,
Vindicated ,
I thought it was written ,
And i prayed too ,
I was a vision reaching down from you ,
I run , but i didn’t turn away ,
And I thought I heard them out there crying ,
Just the same .

You’re not alone in this world ,
This world is alone with you ,
And this is a happy song ,
Because this is a sea stood upon by no one ,
And how beautiful it is that no one came ,
And stood by this sea ,
By this shore ,
But there is footprints ,
And they are wide ,
So someone was running ,
Maybe he was left behind .

You sea this is a very tearful beautiful dream,
You sea life is a painful bliss of tears ,
You sea what you see as a mirror to the sky ,
You sea what you see when you run ,
Your foot on the sand ,
Your head in the sky ,
And your heart ,
It was let down , dear
Broken , yet full full full ,
That you couldn’t help but burst of joy .

And if not a dark age ,
How could you ever taste the ultimate joy ?
If not an age in the dark ,
How can you blossom in a staggering light ?
Like a song of redemption ,
For the sea , for the sea ,
Not you ,  not me .

If you’re not let down my dear ,
Forever and ever ,
How could you ever want a reason to fly up,
Leaving also yourself ,
Into a world beyond what’s unreal.

And now I’ll tell my part ,
If i wouldn’t run ,
I would have taken all of this life apart ,
Even if i got burnt out ,
I wouldn’t pull this apart ,
Of trying to have a good heart , of loving of giving ,
When let down ,
When you run with everyone ,
Of no reason ,
Of selfless part ,
Of a good heart , to open ,
Beyond what you messed in your soul ,
To build some wings someday ,
To a sea ,
Of running , of a table full of people of me ,
To sea , to tears , of wanting to be ,
Of a heart , to sea ,
To see a heart,
Alone , as it should be ,
Full , reborn ,
Without end , without a start.

The human heart is an interdimensional portal ,
Whatever your consciousness want or not radiate through it,
Even your deep mind,
I’m reflecting on my writing journey,
Why I’m unable to bring my stories to life after 4 years,
I’m doing this now bcz my writing files have been lost,
Although I’m heartbroken, i have no problem to make them once again.

I don’t fear writing,
I fear my dreams,
I don’t dream of fears,
I dream of what i write,
This is what i meant of an interdimensional heart.

Used to think I’m a perfectionist and I’m keep thinking because i don’t feel i will bring them as it is and the best of them, the other worldy worlds,
And not sure how they gonna be reflected in this one and this mind and this language,
A mind won’t settle for less there because it’s been settling for less here in this life for as long as it remembers,
Could be logical..
But not precisely the case,
To dive deep,
I’m still searching for a place at the bottom of the sea,
Where I’m hurt,
Because up in the surface I’m always let down,
And maybe if you’re not able to fly at the sky up,
Then you can break the sea floor down and find another one you can fly through,
When you look up at many stories,
As bocchi the rock and maybe many other fiction and non fiction,
The pursuer for a greater self , life , destiny , path.. always on his way to set them he meet up with certain circumstances,  people , chances , or places that could help him , resonate with him , or even willing to dive or take the same fear as him , and then so it begins..
That’s the thing i don’t want to write about in my stories,
They will all be helpless,
Alone with their minds,
No support system,
No home to reach too and no friends to look at them , not even push them to the road of a greater purpose.

There’s no signs that they will come ,
But there’s signs that I’ll go there ,
I don’t know these lands enough yet to bring them ,
They have no use now ,
Maybe later will be a greater one ,
Maybe now the heart is holding them ,
Maybe later they’ll hold it,
Because no one is willing to ,
You’re being let down and let down that you’ll be going up with them,
Someday I’m gonna grow wings,
Hysterical and useless,

If you’re not afraid of your dreams you are not dreaming big enough , good signs.

We used to write only at midnight ,
Now there’s no difference at morning light,
Because the sun was only in our hearts ,
And we lost it with our hearts ,
And she saw the light ,
Then she took it with her ,
So it’s fine in the morning light ,
At least it’s beyond the sight ,
Where we don’t belong to ,
Because she took it with her ,
Our last resort of a shoulder ,
You can write at the morning light ,
It’s fine now ,
You don’t have to fight .

My grandma loved gardens ,
And to peel pomegranate for us too ,
She loved picking trees ,
And fields of her only in the frame ,
But now how can i feel ,
Or cry ,
When she can’t peel or pick anymore ,
And i can’t seek another goal ,
Just to get it back ,
The dark ages of mine ,
Where we could go to the trees ,
Without guns pointed at us ,
She can’t peel pomegranate anymore ,
Because guns are pointed at us ..

She can’t go to the fields anymore ,
Where she stood alone ,
Because you see my grandma loved walking ,
And where she walked to ,
She would pick from the trees ,
My grandma loved picking ,
But now how can she ?
When only one leg was left below her knees ?

And how can i keep running ,
With my grandma without her knees ?
And how can i stop running ?
When i can’t even cry ,
Even if i try ,
Because my lover wasn’t quite known to crying ,
But i was ,
And now I’m not quite known to crying ,
Only when i remember her ,
And the light left with her ,
As my grandma hope with the field..

And if i could i would ,
Give her both my legs if i could ,
Legs that holds my life right now ,
From not ending , from not falling apart ,
But i would fall for her ,
If it means she’d pick fig and jujube again ,
As i fell for the sun before ,
The one that told me she’d peel oranges by her hands ,
The hands that grabbed the light ,
And took it away with her.

I got many faces,
Freak’s the one I’m not,
24 people i dreamed about ,
And i still can’t stop the count,
I didn’t blink that I’d make it till 24,
So now i scream to an empty wind while i run.

I gave up on religions so i use songs lyrics as prayers now,
Songs of people i could relate to,
Before finding out their houses of gold,
I still wish they were like what they said too,
Like me too,
Trying to be a good friend , good son.

But at night my mom’s prayers are the reason heaven’s still trying to fix me,
While at night i throw all my sweaty shirts away,
And before night my friend told me he’s broken,
While i sit there with nothing i could say,
But I’m broken on the way too my friend,
And I’d give you all my pieces if i could,
I’ll give them all away,
Even if nothing left of me for you,
I’ll give them all away.

I got many faces ,
Freak’s the one I’m running from,
So rain down god and destroy me with him,
With them all,
Because he’s also a part of my heart,
I wanted to know the difference between dying and living,
Now i want them two too,
And grief is the only reason I’m living now,
You know i never thought I’d make it till 24,
Now maybe at 25 I’d fantasize more about the end too,
But the only thing i ended was my lover,
And i left the hero with her with no clue,
And i left me with the freak.

Most people keep telling that what i write is deep,
Sad , and blue,
But the know nothing shit of my stories,
They still no nothing to come,
If i did before it, I’ll let you know,
Now my parents turn the ac,
And i run because I’m cold all the time,
And i don’t know what else to feel,
I keep watching an old man’s life movie to keep hope that I’ll be like him too,
Tell me,
How to feel,
Where the only one you’re left with in your birthday,
Isn’t your best friend,
But her best friend too,
But I’ll keep her for now,
She’s cool.
And my other friend won’t remember,
It wasn’t about the flower or the cake or the flash that my parents can’t breath that you gave,
It was about that i don’t wanna be seen , i wanna be heard,
And i know i gave up on this option a long time,
To be found , to be shared,
But why did you gave up on hearing me instead ?
And the third friend was myself,
I finally made friends with me,
Maybe again..
And I’m happy i finally met him,
But i still cry even now,
Because now i got me and myself with each other to stand,
We stood and ran,
But we couldn’t manage our pace of our easy days,
Because i could never could slow down ,
Even she told me more than five years ago,
To walk by each other side,
But i couldn’t but to run..
I couldn’t but to run,

And the other hated all the running, didn’t even come to my races..

But I’ll blame it on the morning,

And I’ll sign a petition for night races,
And now i passed everyone,
Everyone,
And i was left alone sprinting under the sun,
So i run and run
And i scream to the empty wind,
Empty wind , no wait , that’s me ,
Because i got too many faces,
Freak’s the one i am.

And all of us faces ,

And all of us people from dreams, stick to him , because we screamed to an empty wind , empty wind , no way , that’s me , because i got too many faces , freak’s the one who ran , with me.