Author: Zaki Monzer

I saw you swam over past lives,
To burn the country that you loved,
And end the world you want to seize,
For a fine something no one seeks.

Wash my faith now,
Though you win every time, and I don’t know how,
But your ships are selling mirrors now,
And i haven’t bought you and I haven’t sold me,
But everyone is living for restaurants now;
Burned spagetti-burned-town,
And i heard you starve,
Downtown eggland,
With six comrades and a smugly redhead with a crown,
She’s got eyes, but she can’t see,
You talk like a devil, but then she looks at me..

What about mirrors now ?
What about our mirrors now ?
The face of my brothers,
The faith of the sea,
I’m nothing but all what she thinks she see,
I know they run it,
But i can’t run me,
So i lie in the lanes that shame and bleeds,
Because you had your bets and i’ve had enough,
I’m gonna burn your movies ,
To attend the plays play-offs.

And they all play the beautiful garden while I’m in the swamp,
Cause it’s all we’ve ever wanted, and it’s all that i push still,
Can’t i play the burnt movies while I’m in the swamp?
Can’t time check for another date while we’re all in for the deep?

I’ll meet you there,
In the eternal sadness,
The yard of God’s love,
Never had any skin here to place,
Had all purposes,
In all the inhuman places,
Where we found dark clouds,
On fate and laughs,
Of human monsters,
Of inhuman men, women,
Hymns of childhood birds,
Hymn of grandma’s dreams,
Carries by the whispers ,
Of prayers she couldn’t keep,
Of tears from her eyes,
On me,
Of tears from me, to her eyes,
To her heart,
To ease the dreams on my heart.

In the eternal sadness I’ll meet her there,
Them, all of them,
And you,
I don’t know who am i when i don’t miss you,
Without even knowing you,
I see you when we see everyone but you.

Seats were hugged by the sun,
And chased by my eyes,
As thoughts chased you,
And everyone through life,
Was hugged with my thoughts,
Every single one..smiling,
Of all humans, being themselves,
As we cried over you,
Knew me at dusk,
Didn’t know you at noon,
Except i saw it,
With airplanes and sea trains,
Or someone sitting emptied,
In a library,
Empty stadium stairs,
Scent of potato sandwiches,
And me, in my deathbed;
The middle of a bus,
Classical hymns stereo,
Reminds me of all that isn’t me,
Or here,
Because all that is me is here,
Loved, forgiven, cried over,
I wasn’t the one waited,
Happily,
I was the one who stayed.

Something filled up my heart with nothing,
My legs ran to it before my heart,
I’ll swim inside a dark cloud,
On laughs and fate,
So it can rain love instead of me,
Someone told me not to cry.

I’m chasing a fog in the glittering night,
From a machine like mine,
That i want to change , like me.

Im a repository of dreams,
They knock without any order,
Dreams don’t request,
And wind don’t ask to blow,
Rain don’t call you when you’re driving,
But they hold you when you’re down.

I belong to the walls behind,
Not the grounds ,
Not the parties,
Hoping to find someone standing by the wall,
I belong to the whispers at the night,
When I’m holding in myself,
Hoping to hold out art.

I know that art is pain,
And it’s the only way we can continue without being dead,
But my notebooks are full,
And gifts needs people,
And i can’t find any shops,
That sell me,
Nor any people,
That get me,
Nor any mirror,
That see you.

So I’ll wake up tomorrow,
I’ll be good to my mom,
Make tea,
Make my heart again,
To cut it all out,
To cut out, into a blank space,
Hoping to find someone standing on the wall there,
Write on the blank spaces left,
Until there’s nothing left,
But someone who was me.

White skies called
I went home
Fishes in the bowl
Starters for the whole
What was in heaven stored
I wasn’t even told
How could i ever know
All the ways on the go
My ways on the go
Only gone with the wind
Of white skies
At white days
We can’t sleep again
We’ll scream again
To white skies
With white hearts
That loved the world
That is hurt

White nights told
Us to be home
Fortuned to be more
Focused on a doll
The core of our selves
The threads behind the door
Our eyes that never met
Our hearts that always vent
For wishes, for dreams
We didn’t get yet
We woke up at white days
Everyone went to other cities
Everyone loved, was loved, prayed
We wanted to stay
Where thou art is my heart ?
White nights all we craved

I want to hug god,
Through the silence of the night,
At the madness of the run,
As he always did,
I want to hug god,
When the cold air is cold,
And all the places feel right.. empty,
Only i wasn’t alone enough to see,
Until i saw my heart, walking on two legs.

I wonder how long it’s been,
The sun kissed words that came out,
Unexpected,
Maybe it saw me,
Far from god, you, me,
Not ending any circle,
Always holding every pillow,
Never good but to food,
Ever learning the never learning,
At winter’s summer nights,
Did she leave me,
Because i left myself?
And god won’t leave, and you won’t leave,
And i can’t but cry..
And kick myself to keep from crying,
And cry..
And kick myself to keep from crying,
As i get washed by revelations,
Of beautiful life,
Of blessed life,
Always fair and full,
Always kept, changed, and rolling..

I want to hug him anyway,
When they can’t bet on him,
Nor on me,
So tell me,
When there’s no start to start,
Where to go with it all?
When my heart can’t take it?
Which path to pass?
At 25 or so..

I want to hug god through a crowded market,
At dawn prayers,
When I’m no longer alone,
At war times that left,
Yet they never go,
At earthly times never enough,
Never end,
Always full.

I want to hug god,
Before shooting a hole to my heart,
Of flowers,
The heart that knew him,
But i didn’t,
To a hole that was always there,
But i wasn’t,
Only he was.

Then we prayed on the same grave,
With two heart, two hands,
So our two eyes couldn’t hold to look,
To see us,
Hugging god,
Far away from ourselves,
Always far, at home,
That was kneeling on colors we only saw.

My heart was back to me again,
Found both a hole,
And a pine tree, that he later choose,
So now i run,
With two legs,
As you walk,
With two legs, and two hearts,
On colors we only saw,
Then my heart decided another roll,
Choose the hole again,
Found a willow tree,
Layed on its shadows,
And walked with it,
For god was on the corner of its sun,
The only place now,
Where i can hug him,
Where you walk, with two hearts,
As two trees,
Of the same color,
Where I’m standing silently,
Wanting to hug god,
You saw it all.

My long life is being filled with short films,
About people who bleed and cry and think,
Since everyone let all the worlds down, with you,
I don’t feel if anybody feels,
Or did anyone let you down with the world,
Did anyone look back?
I always felt like a shadow but was it always this clear for everyone?

My short life is being filled with long runs,
Where i bleed and cry and think,
And i thank the blessing that is empty streets,
I thank the blessing that is empty me,
I’m torn between a life that is flashing by and by a life waiting silently on a train,
Heading toward an eternal dream i don’t remember,
So you run towards that place you can’t remember and you can’t forget,
As you move on you still dream of her not being,
And you dream of yourself being happy,
You dream of yourself your kid being happy.

Lastly,
After a year of losing her,
But you now lost him,
After the last year where it all ended on the snow,
But the snow is pouring now,
You want your heart to pour down,
Because you learned how to love everyone , everyone,
And your heart can’t stay here,
Because the people you belong to were in ancient times,
They didn’t too stay here,
And she didn’t stay here,
She left on a friday afternoon,
And saturday morning still hadn’t come yet,
So you run alot in sundays,
In hope for only yesterday,
Only yesterday.

And the trainstations flash by now,
And I’m no longer a traveler,
I no longer fear the planes above my head,
Nor the pain under my leg,
I’m crying at the start of every movie,
Cause i wish i was ending things too,
All of the words and faces and places and dreams,
Are collected in a fruit basket for me,
That i send to the bees to eat,
In a future i no longer see if I’m heading to.

I am screaming to the void in silence,
That is the fullness of me,
And once i screamed in a void in silence,
They left on a friday,
The world doesnt want u to be calm and golden,
But wants you to leave first,
It’s loosing,
And I’ve given the world my all
Of you in it
With no interest
Only for you in it
You sided with it
Without your interest,
Now I’m writing mirrors,
To shut up my darkness,
Since I’m always running with only myself,
My heart isn’t in me,
I’m in the darkness in it.

Today they were filming the end of me,
While i was dashing ignoring my past, present, and future selves by each tree,
The sun killed me,
One february friday,
A february friday is all i became,
All i am is pain running though cold winter air,
To the end of it all,
I wanted to send a love sign to the camera,
A love letter perhaps to my life,
And before i even stopped,
They stopped me,
From even watching the end of it,
There’s no time left for screening,
Even when the film is about you,
Not even to be seen was a pursuit,
But never to be heard became my working for the knife,
No words, responses, hopes, days that i can’t remember nor forget,
I’m gonna end it all here,
It ended in a cold summer air,
I’m a february friday film.

If i had nine lives,
I’d spend the first one running,
Can bearly breath, can fully live,
Good stories, bad lives,
Maybe after i hit runner’s high,
I’d find peace, i would no longer be human,
I can spend the rest of my 8 lives living by the shore with no fears.

For my next two,
I’ll spend each one with my grandmas,
Live in their kitchen, make good food,
Watch shitty movies that they like,
Listen to their regrets,
Just so i don’t fuck up the other lives,
I’ll hold their hands gently and watch them take their last breaths.

In my fourth life I’ll run away,
Like i always dreamed,
I’ll run from myself more,
The person that i can’t change,
Because I’ll never learn how to live,
That i am all the things i fear,
I’ll run through Kyrgyzstan distant fields and try to find myself there,
I’ll look in all the right places, right cities, right people.,
I’ll wander through God’s right lands.

In my fifth life I’ll listen to my parents more,
I’ll work 9-5, I’ll study well and take internships,
I’ll go to modern places and good people,
I’ll have good friends who circle me,
I’ll try to be happy.

For my sixth life I’ll live it alone in an eastern asian countryside,
I’ll write the stories i always wanted to tell,
I’ll let my world live,
I’ll live my dead poets society dreams and college and days,
I’ll walk alot in neighborhoods with flowery cafes,
I’ll read many books and maybe my books will get adapted too.

For my seventh life I’ll be a passionate musician and athlete,
I’ll be a great drummer and violinist,
I’ll go to many cities at nights,
And i might transcend in some sport of the 20 i wanna try,
I’ll try to be a better human,
I’ll try to be a better brother,
better friend,
better son.

For my eighth life I’ll make movies,
I’ll shot and create more, and do so much art that inspire others,
Live a long eased life,
while i wonder if i missed something along all my past lives,
Or somethin i lost,
And wonder what,
I’ll move back to my hometown,
And search for it in markets that don’t exist,
Wait at college doors,
Write letters I’ll never send,
and I’ll adopt a cat and a dog,
In hope they will watch me take my last breaths before my last life.


In my last life I’ll look for you.

My eyes are begging to die,
I listen to them,
While i write inside this cloud,
Of things, busy things,
Don’t know where they part,
Don’t know where they clash,
But my eyes are tired to hear,
Tired to sleep,
I wasn’t fast while fasting,
Hope I’ll be fast while leaving other days,
Because i wanted to accept the man i am,
And not accept I’m not capable of loving,
Only sleeping,
Hating the movies i can’t do,
Replying to people i can’t talk to,
Running in places, no one do, does,
I wish i did,
Instead of taking a youthful bid,
On paper towers that will never come,
And sounds that will never smell the sea again,
But everyone smells the sea,
And walks in campuses under the sun,
While i go to the other side,
I envy they smell the sea,
I envy they live sundays,
The sea is mine,
I stood with it alone,
No one else did,
The streets are mine,
I ran them alone,
I eased their loneliness in the dark,
When you rip mine,
I rip my myself into them,
So you can’t belong there,
They’re mine!

I don’t belong to where i can reach,
I pray with sunlight,
Falling from building blocks,
Down the alley i dashed,
To the ending scenes i tried to catch,
My birthdays of egg dreams,
My sea castles on birthday days,
When i used to wake up,
To a sudden sleep talk.

Golden boy, golden boy,
Leave me,
So i can dream of not flying,
Not the other side, not here too,
So i can dream of me.

Golden boy you joined the sun force,
And I’m wearing glasses already,
Not a fair race to the end of me,
I left the vindications and sun rays in snow,
I don’t want circled worlds of dreams,
Nor stories of kids on islands and lost spaceships,
Inside a vivid breeze you should leave,
Donate me away,
I’m tired or riping you in roads and seas,
Where they go,
While they go,
And away they go,
Golden boy,
Please go.

Woke up to a time not known,
Going to a time set in mind,
The only difference between running and life,
Is that running is when you set time to bleed,
While life is timeless bleeding,
Felt my heart beats slow but heavy in sleep,
Maybe they’re signs that i missed something along the way.

I stepped outside to a dark morning ,
It reminded me of days i can’t remember,
Somethings along the way,
I’m waiting to be graced,
As I’m always,
And lately I’m going to many other cities each week,
Im glad im always seeking to see,
With no reason ,
Sometimes i wonder , then i see leaves, blowing in wind again,
And im fine again..

Before i start i wonder if something is waiting for me at the end of line,
New faces,
New prayers i never prayed for,
Something you come across as in movies,
That makes the plot of the movies,
But the plot for now for me is just one foot infront of other,
Time and time and time again,
Its simple , but hell , nothing special.

The stadium is small, and empty,
Ten years back,
It was big and and full,
You were small,
First laps were sarcasm of easiness,
Only in the tenth the hard pursuit started to show,
I tried slowing down in the 20th laps,
To keep gas to the end,
I’m glad i did,
Nothing special , but i beat the sun again,
I’m slowly drifting,
I wish that something is slowly drifting towards me too,
Sometimes there’s no poetry but simply being peacefully blessed in solitude,
I’m glad that my heart was beating both,
Heavy and slow,
And hard and fast,
For another morning.