It will pass Even if you feel you’re not these Even if the sturggle will carry on to the sun Even if you feel that time is stuck in a long vivid dream Even if you feel the uncertainty of dying Even if you feel that you’ve seen it all Watched all Heard all And all left now is standing on the abyss of an unknown infinite future Feeling it will end the next second It will pass
No matter if you struggled for three thousand years Or lost everyone you love Or even loved , passed through , lived All that it could pass And passed through unlived lives It will pass
With the feelings stuck in this place With the here and now we didn’t get And the things you wished you’d get but didn’t With these circles of round buildings surrounding your sense of time You will pass
Whenever you understand that its not meant Not written Not deserved For you And you run Without thinking you’ll pass it It will before you know it Just run It will with you Like all the dreams you carry with you everyday from your sleep And that it might eventually pass some day and be one
تستفيق من غفوتك على كلمة “تسلملي” والتي تعني اكثر من الحياة باكملها الحياة التي هي مجرد غفوة
عندما رحلت جدتي لم اشعر إنها توفت لقد رأيتها وهي تغادر روحها جسدها وعندما حدقت بجثتها لساعات وعندما انزلتها الى القبر انا متقبل انها ماتت ولكنني لا اشعر بذلك
عندما علمنا انها فارقت الحياة بدأنا بمكالمة العائلة كالمت امي لأقول لها وبعدما بكت اردت القول ان لا تقل لجدتي لانها لا يمكنها تحمل اخباراً كهذه.. نسيت انها هي من توفى
ولا اعلم إن يجب علي الحزن انها ذهبت او إنني لا أشعر بذلك أو إني الأن يجب علي قضاء دهرٍ بأكمله بدونها تكون الحياة غفوة الا بدونها
ان من بترت اطرافهم يعانون بشعور وهمي بها يطلق عليه الطرف الشبح اي عند الجراحون.. وعندما ذهبت هي بترت مني حياتي وفقط اشعر بها ليبدأ شتاء لا ينتهي
لا تعلم كيف سوف تقضي صباحاتك او مع من تشارك قصص القران والانبياء او التحدث عن الله والجنة معه او أكل السكر نبات والشاي
جدتي لم تكن تقرأ ولا تكتب ولم تكن تعرف أن النجوم شموس ولا عن حجم الكون ولا عن أن كل شي يتكون من ذرات ولم تكن تعلم أن الخليج لم يعد قن دجاج ولا عن الاحتباس الحراري ولا عن المشاهير ولا عن المسلسلات والافلام ووو ولم تكن تعلم من برشلونة ومن من ولا اذا كانت الملاعب هنا او في الخارج ولم تكن تعرف معنى جميع الكلمات الأجنبية التي كنت اقولها وكانت ترددها دائما ( هاو ار يو ، لوف يو سوسو ، اوهايو ) ولكنها لم تكن تعلم ايضا انها تملك اكبر قلب على الكوكب وان جميع ابتساماتها على مر العمر كانت جميعها هي ذاتها وكانت عندما تعلم بمشكلة شخص مارٍ تحمل همه او همنا ولم تكن تعلم عيد ميلادها حتى ولكن كانت تحتفل بعيدك انت كأنها ولدت من جديد او تخاف عند قولنا اننا سنسافر ونتركها كانت تعلم الدعاء والاخرة، من الآمن ان اقول اكثر من جميع البشر الذين عرفتهم.. وكانت تتذكر ان تقول “الله يرضى عليك” ثلاثين مرة في النهار او عزمك ثلاثين مرة على وجبة او طعام كل صباح ، عصر ، مساء
كان بودي ان اقبلها ان اقول لها ان الحياة لا تسوى عفطة عنز بدونها او اعمل دراما ولكني متعب من كل هذا تعبت من كل الامور البشرية والعلاقات البشرية وحتى من تفكيري
دفنتها ، قبلت قدميها ، وقلت اراكِ في الجنة انشالله من سنة ارسلت الي صورة قدميها بالخطأ لانها لا تعلم ما هو البرنامج ومن هو الشخص وكيف نرسل صوراً عسى ان تعلم ان الجنة تحتهم عسى ان لا اعيش دهرا طويلا مثلها ، بدونها عسى ان افيق على يديها فوق رأسي وعلى كلمة “تسلملي” من هذا الحلم…
How could i know ? I wander Why are you like that ? They ask
Or why do you watch what you watch Read what you read Listen what you listen
Maybe that’s who i am But i dont know what is it
I’m certain of me But i don’t define it And i know it’s not that fine down here But it is warm Very warm
Instead all the questions that passed The winds that passed The people and the waves I wanted a confirmation
That it’s fine to be like that That I’m not a burden Not even to myself
It means that your therapist says all the inner counterattacks rituals u do And it means to go back To all the nice messages that were left behind By left people
And it means To hear your name next to a morning message Like it is telling you you’re here No matter how you are You’re here now
Whatever the person might go on with life Whatever all these times will be remembered Or these places will sieze to exist Or yourself will change or not
Even if it doesn’t matter you’re here, You’re here
With all the unsaid letters Or the non sent goodbyes And the unlived lives And the not given apologies And the unreturned smiles or cares
Maybe if you asked me instead Why are you doing this ? I’d say for god solely
The dream ends The night exists Time fades Spaces not be anymore Your name said will forever be lost God stays
And maybe it’s not hard to be here at all With all what defines you Even if sad You the undefined abyss But at least you’ve got that
And you’ve get to give yourself a confirmation too By writing Like now
By smiling to no smiles By waving the doors without goodbyes By living new lives yet to be lived By apologizing to yourself for handling too much goodness
By returning morning messages, with names beside it And it matters for once That its okay to be here And its okay to not be okay
If you’re not taking care of yourself then What are you here for ?
We might think of the way to live To go To decide And sometimes we submit We tend to run from both But we engage completely In the flow of possibilities Where life got infinite more On a larger scale But chess Chess is a game And a game is not life But it is in life Where we might be down In the paths of defeats In our daily lives But we escape to games If we played , if we didn’t It doesnt matter If we win or lose We run and escape We become the board Because we don’t want to think of life Of the more infinite possibilities in it But maybe in games We can sense that small victory Maybe in them Whether we participated or we were just watching We can have sth that culd define us Way beyind our daily lives Maybe that’s why we play games And why we should play life There’s no play But we play And we got immersed We can’t get addicted to life But we can get addicted to chess And as the pieces move Fall and rise Kill and be killed They participate of a very greater thing Way beyond their understanding And possibilities Way beyond even the minds moving them Chess is just life minimized And life is just chess not glorified And we can loose i both And we can scream i both And we can be im them Here But we can never know to where Or who Or us Life is a game But winning and loosing aren’t fast Aren’t determined Aren’t immediate and aren’t free So we invented games to minimize life To give psychological and mental and physical rewards more sufficiently Easily And faster than life More time on them More rewards More addiction More mind games
In life we dont know where we stand We stand at a sea At infinity But in chess we stand in our minds Standing on white and black blocks And i think its a human condition to take the road-less traveled
Sometomes on Saturdays i get out to sit in the field beside the neighborhood, There’s all sort of things, Mostly parties if there’s a birthday or event , Either than thay it’s kids playing ball, I don’t participate, but i name each of the old pals instead of the kids playing , And i wander through the old days , The people here are very kind and they give much care to someone old like me , I tell them stories at nights and the call me insane , mostly kids , while at morning they’re just busy playing and getting their cup from the sun . Pretty funny for someone who was once pointed at as the last sane human.. But one day little gel was injured so he get off and sat beside me. -“playing on sand is fun but rough right grandpa? ” he asked “If u don’t know how to use if ” i replied -“How’s so ? For what ?” “u should flow through it , not just jumping and running over it , feel yourself as if you’re the sand… ahh i guess you’re still a kid.. maybe you won’t get it” -“It just hurts ” , he said “the sand is hot too “ “One time we swam under sand” -“under sea ?” ” No no under sand besides the see ” a warm smile was surrounding my face -He asked ” And How’s that possible ? Plus u can just go under water “ ” well dear , in our days water was just like fire now , it would burn you if you even touch it , and the seas where we swam where either of lava or sand , but here st the coast it wall just water , well that is until great girl joy came..” -“Joyyy ? Lavvaaa ? ” he asked while making a disgusted face “Joy waa a redhead , Forget it” i continued “playing is good when u can’t understand the world” He sat there silent for a while , then he asked me curiously: -“and how were you able to breath under sand ?” “If i told you you won’t believe me” -“well you’re no mind man(he means insane) i think , i don’t believe you , but I’m trying to imagine..” he said with a pure voice. “Well im no mind but yesterday i was mind , today you are mind but if i snuck you into my childhood there won’t be anyone who’ll be friends with you , because you’ll be no mind too there” He said then : ” maybe someday I’ll get it” and i laughed my eyes out.
Sometimes good witch anne was getting us oxygen under sand , other times star , or it depends , that so until the sand man came by” .
-“what is he or them ?”
“Maybe he was a fraction from my mind , but they , my friends , told me otherwise , his name was rolly , but a reptile man ended him”
-“another reason why you’re no mind is that you’ve been living alone for so long , you have no friends”
“i do some people come flying for me at times”
-“i hear such stories , but i don’t believe them”
“then u have mind that u turn off mind , anw go play i guess your wound is healed , sand man rolly told me so , but remember son , no one who has good friends is alone ” He looked surprised, his wound was healed in the instance without him noticing while talking , he went on and played , and i gazed from a distant at all the people and the kids , the next time he was about to score the goal he looked my way and stood in chock , he lost the ball and they were shouting at him but he only stood with his mouth opened , maybe because he saw a redhead woman with a hat beside me , he pointed at her and she shouted at him to play… i laughed my eyes out
My brother showed me a reel for their class in the school we used to attend for all our life up to high school, I pretented to be neutral, To show no emotion, Like i always do , To be such a stoic. Then when he left i broke down jnto tears , Then i listened to it alone and went more into an ocean of grief , Grief for childhood unfulfilled For a life not completed For memories i wishes i die at For places i wish i stayed at forever For people i hoped to live a million lives with With people who even died And others i don’t know anything about anymore And memories that will be burried just with..
Im breaking rn U can’t take the weight of these , but you gotta carry that weight , tillthe day you die.
Memories that will be burried with you forever , and maybe memories that might be only stuck with you and you only lived such a nostaligic deep joyful time and maybe no one of these kids remember them anymore , maybe no one of them still exists anymore , maybe life changes.. Maybe i changed but that kid in me is still the true me and still following the shadow of his younger life , unlived… Uncontinued… I was reading kafka by the shore lately and i came up across an interpretation for ghost stories im Japanese culture , and i remembered the one from oyasumi punpun , and about how the ghost are about souls grieving for older days. What if my ghosts when i was a kid are me now.. What if what we feared me and my sistes , what we used to wake up each other for if anyone wanted to go to the bathroom at midnight when we were kids , is our older selves grieving for these memories of love For these night nothing bothered us , We used to come home and turn tv and just watch cartoons We used to belong into an inner world without even knowing whats the outer And the outer was a school where we just played and screamed and made as much games as we could with our minds Whyyyyyyyy Why does life changed Why does life do this I might read a thousand book and story and know many philosophies and interpretations for why we grow we go what we do and socialize and fuck our selves in this modern era . But i can’t take it anymore Whyyyyy Why did we leave heaven.. I ….I’m still struggling in my adulthood to move on from my childhood , from my teenage years and from very single stage in my life , because i was living in worlds i didn’t want to go away from , and it passed so quickly , and we grow up in an instant , and everyones not here , and youre not here , and the places aren’t here , and i dontknow what to do anymore , and days and days pass and you dont even think about it anymore , then comes a song , a scent , a face to reminds you of it ….. god if i just can in heaven live , maybe not in a fully heavenly landscapes and rivers , but in their , in my childhood , in the ground where i sat and watched cartoons every weekend, in the playground of the school , in the games we used to make in the desks , in all the teenage dreams , and in the all thinking we thoughts we’d lived , and people we thought we’d continue with but we didn’t, but we were happy , even though we were tired to wake up at 7 am everymorning , even my teenage years , in the unfulfilled not completed destroyed college life we had , and the many friendhips that passed too , and in all the neighborhood brothers who went far away , god , i just wanna return to that usneen real world , to that forgotten nostaligic place that didnt happen and didnt continue , god if i could become a ghost too i wish i could , to those pencilcase and night stories i made in bed , to those curious silent gazes , to those warm , warm hearts , we used to have , before we grow up without knowing…
I’m writing this in an unexpected way Because events in life happen in an unexpected way And when they are expected even Unexpected feelings hits you .
I was reading across a saying by the prophet that is : ” the faithful in their matual amiability , compassion , and sympathy , are like one body that when one organ is sick , the rest of the body responds with Insomnia and fever “ It’s not hidden the suffering im passing through And that maybe I’m an open book Its not like i crave attention But i don’t consider anything my own so i share all my thoughts even in public. Because for a guy like me with my mental illness im everything but my thoughts. But if a kind of such faithful people should be around me , a kind of a loveling brotherhood or friendhood , if its really okay for you to find a place where you feel at that its okay for you to live , to grief and to have someone pat you .. Then why there’s none ? Am i for that extent invisible ? Or that the problem is an inner one ? What if there was a community for the faithful but i wasn’t one ? When will i stop questioning myself and everyone that passed .
When will i ever get an answer , to get a hint of that place , of that people , somewhere somehow in the world.. when you don’t have to ask to get an apology or care or understanding or a good word..
I wasn’t afraid of my monsters under my bed when i was a child , And i dont believe in monsters under my bed now , But i dont believe in myself either.. I prayed for god to show me the way And i wasn’t here I walked through the path of hell, I longed to my bed, And I’m fighting 24/7 the monsters i don’t believe at, To relieve the self i dont believe at.. so this is a redemption act I tried to guess but why should i pass through them ? Then i remembered i asked god to show me the way I went in the way into my closet, I hung myself in all the people i killed, I ran through a football field looking, at the sky screaming to heaven, I was jumping in a bar im the shire, I was the schizophrenic old man in the town party, And i walked over the sea with my bare foot , Its a death , a forgetting , and a rebirth , a redemption , I asked god to show me the way.. But i was away, I spent 500 days to reach peace 5 years to reach myself And a single seccond to tear it all up, And then reload it all Again Again And again Goodmornings Schools Runs Prayers Paint Language Write Read Watch Go Come Play Cry Mess Scream Shower Sleep Repeat Over Over And over again Im not afraid im wasting my time because im not Im afraid im still far away from the path i asked god for You see i asked him for the path of heaven But it runs through a miled of clouded hell right ? So you can’t ask why is it so fucked up messed up life self mind time going on I wanted to out as peaceful as i can be Now i want to get out as strong as i can ever be That if , if i got out , i found i ever existed Hope Tangles on a string On a tinyyyyy tiny little string Like a slow , spinning, rolling , redemption ..
It’s the year of the rabbit, I’ve been through a really existential roller-coaster, And the only certain thing i know in this sea of years, In this sea of uncertainties, Is that I’m a rabbit. I went through that hole without getting back And some went down searching for me without getting back , And i went down wanting to know me and i didnt know where , I was learning japanese the other day and a single word irritated me , “where” . Maybe what brings me back ain’t a place that i belong to , but “where” is it , Where is them , and where is i in the first place, Here goes another theory , go on on a rabbit hole in search/pursuit of wonder , but but but what if , you go there , because you’re running from your self and all its bad acts or character ? And what if the rabbit hole , and these dimensional worlds going from a narrow hole into a wide landscape, were real , but you weren’t, What if you , yourself , is the tiny self hallucinations of these worlds… And what if you didn’t go inside that world out of reality , but rather that that world went on outside you inside of reality , and reality went on outside you inside of that world…
Was it that you went in , because the world demanded it for you to exist in a certain time in a certain space and go in , and if so why demanded , whats your worth when u can’t find yourself , and you want to discover it , jumping in the hole of it , but you’re afraid of jumping in the hole in your self. What is called the rabbit hole because the rabbit got in the hole , or that the hole gets you to the rabbit ? Did the rabbit get in the hole or was the hole the entire rabbit’s world ? The entire rabbit’s self ?
We rabbits are happy rabbits With fear , doubt , hate , shame , sadness , madness , emptiness .. We rabbits are absolutely happy , glad , thanking rabits.
I’m glad I’m in a place in my life when someone asks me what do you do , and i respond ” i run “. Like im having the urge to explode all of it out, And this urge came from when i was even a kid , I ran away in school I ran away from classes I ran away from the neighborhood and wandered through streets I ran away from the hospital on my brother’s birth and get lost on the streets
I ran away when we were on a family trip on the snow and i just wanted to go far , far away into the white abyss… I was a kid , i didn’t have any objective , i just wanted so…
I always as a kid used to imagine and think of plans and strategies of breaking out of home and running away , and i was really little i had noooo goal of it i was just planning and saying tomorrow I’ll do this , next week I’ll do this , I’ll just go , I’ll just begone and im just a lost kid who’s family is grieving about…
I grew up and i still wanted to break out From my family My social life My country From this world From it all Because you see I lived a million lives through it all in my head But i never lived a single life through it all Because i don’t belong to any of it all Im in the normal base life I don’t belong to any space here Sometimes my heart aches because i can’t explain how i view things , god , or life And that im alone just watching everything from a distance … And sometimes my heart lifts and just screams of joy,
Maybe that i belong to that unkown, Maybe i wanna run to the time i wasn’t even born, To that void, To that unknown, Now i try to run to it through my mind in the media i like, The worlds i dive into, And through my legs in the tears i sob , not sweat, the tears . And maybe I’m running towards that kid on the snow.. And i wake up every morning to the same alarm “and i was running far away , would i run off the world someday ?” Someday, somehow, somewhere , far far deep away..
