Author: Zaki Monzer

The wind is strong outside
And maybe outside is just a world brought back by the wind
Because it’s only one touch and i feel things
That can’t be put into a human’s heart
I try to remember it but i fail
I fail to notice when was the last time I’ve sensed such wind
You see , again , i forget
Like the wind tattoo i have on my arm that i forgot i had too
Like everything i passed through
Like the people
Like me
Like the people who were me
And that I’m just a screen
Seeing checking , loving then forgetting
I even forgot about the sea
And all what went down on the sea
Maybe life is just a sea-full sea
And if i passed through it
Then forgot about it , and about me
What was there ?
Who was there ?
Who passed through this wind
And what is the wind carrying about that person rn ?
Does it know that he forgot about her ?
And what did she made him feel ?
Like love not alike all love
Like heaven washing throw all earth’s scum
Like the sky coming alive through your arms
If we’re bottomless my dear young self just like the wind
Then why don’t you flow too like it
Why do you give up to your mind and heart desires
Why do you become human once again , with a name
To suffer and to defend it , all in the name of it’s fake happiness ,
Remember the wind my friend ,
Remember my friend the wind .

One of the things they don’t discuss in religion is the “why’s”,
And its the thing that get most people out of it,
Youth around to not dig in it,
And intellects to not dive into the crowd,
They tell you 1 2 3 and god got u to do 1 2 3 and bla bla
And 1 2 3 would get you this and 1 2 3 would get you that and follow 1 2 3 to this , like is this just surface ruling ???
And it’s even not fair for how rich and deep the human mind and consciousness can go in search of god and spirituality..
You see god got you to do some 1 2 3 things through his messages , but to think you can tell any , any one how to do is dump , for each has his own path
And each has his own interpretation and circumstances,
You can’t just go and apply it on a very basic level without considering the base of human life itself , experiences , flows , visions , arts , and the fact that each unique individual has an own secret to pursue god if he want to and that all of these rules should be for him to flow , not for him to just apply and follow without even giving him an explanation of why ,
Which you can never do , because to be honest
No one ,
Not you , not me , no one ,
Will ever know anything ,
It will never be certain and you’ll never be a saint and you’ll never know the truth ,
And on this dimensional level , maybe on a higher state you might know , but you’ll never be able to speak or tell it , the why , the why that you have a responsibility to light the matter about if you ever wanted to enrich your or your spiritual path people ,
If you ever felt educated and wise ,
Anw always seek the why’s people , before the why’s seek you.

The urge to just go somewhere far far far away..
Into the deep caves of distant woods ,
And i won’t go alone ,
I’ll take with me all my sorrows and my tears and my love,
I’ll carry with me all my beloved ones , those who will never come with me ,
I’ll take with me my worlds ,
Those who will ever dwell within me ,
But not me ,
I’ll leave it to the skin and bones ,
To the fish into the sea ,
I’ll leave it to the sea that comes and goes ,
I’ll leave it to the void i won’t enter ,
I’ll leave it at the shore where i lastly knew myself i was at ,
And I’ll go ,
To rain to trails to planets with whole waters ,
To cyberlands to shires to egg shaped games and cities ,
To midnight deserts and midnight camping inside an island outside a forest,
To spaceships and horizons beyond order ,
Beyond destiny ,
Beyond you ,
Beyond me ,
I wanna go far away ,
Run to it ,
Away beyond me ,
And whatever i can imagine next ,
Beyond it too ,
To where the abyss could only comprehend and see

 I want to grow
Not evolve , transcend , become , big , small , strong , flower , bloom , but grow
And I’m so late now
But he’s still waiting
And i know i let you down tonight my dear
And i know i let you down every single night
But I’m still learning what it means , to be human to be a man
To not return crying at the end of the day as best as i can
To reach the world the kid is still holding on at
To welcome him , not me , but us , the us not discovered yet
Maybe will never be
Maybe sad..
But we sat by the river
And oh joyful apes we were at
For whoever inside us messes with us
Joyful madmen
What weird constellation we met
i know I’m not here or there
Atleast i dont ever wanna be
I know i love whoever isn’t here or there
Atleast they don’t ever wanna be
Wanna be anything but a somebody
Of flesh and blood and wasted youth yet to get
Maybe they wanna be born on the stars of dreams too
And if I’m going there
I’m doubting the place and then and i
I’m doubting the existence in which i did try
Everybody wanna be something
Even if nothing to be at all
But i wanna grow
Larger than life
Larger than life could could
Up the wind and over the clouds
Over the needs of peoples life mouse
Over the horizon
Over the edge
The edgerunners maybe
Maybe I’m running to see the edge and the core
For once and for most
All that matters
All thats left
And that i own
I am and i saw
I seek and i roam
Is growing to the kid
To the kid we belong

Tonight I’ll do no right and no wrong ,
But I’ll go and drive on a rainy dark night ,
Since I’ve did all wrong and all right my entire life ,
And i still don’t know to this day where i stand in it ,
It’s a self grand mistake ,
As all thoughts should be thought i gave it another thought ,
Then i turned the machine lights on ,
If angels and demons exist ,
Deep in our inner conscious level ,
Since higher dimensional beings are what slips and what guides ,
At the level of own and not own self behavior ,
Theres more to them , a third party ,
A third wheel in this cosmic spin ,
Since you’re capable of redemption every time you sin and curse ,
And since you’re capable of slipping everytime you pray ,
There’s another thing that got it from the start ,
Unless angels and demons decided to shake hands from under the tables of eternal gates ,
A blessed walk might be the way for you to hell ,
How can a single entity revolute over it’s entire meaning to be ,
Goal to live for ,
And since it’s all for us humans ,
And since god made it like this , one two for one ,
He can interfere ,
But throw what ,
If not angels , not demons ,
What’s more to that ,
I focused on the road i was driving again ,
The lights were still on the glass infront of me ,
I couldn’t think of anything anymore ,
But i could see sth ,
A reflection on the glass ,
A human.

I’m trying for sometime to understand a notion about the absolute, infinite, god , and it’s still very hard to reach there because everytime i wanna get closer to it,
It’s beyond me ,
It’s in a higher plane of existence i can’t reach rn ,
And it’s hard with these feelings and body and mind to be able to rush there,
Even if sometimes i get there for some seconds,
It’s like a dream that you see once in a lifetime,
Or feelings that won’t happen again,
As childhood first timers,
And thoughts that you flesh into while praying ,
And when you finish the prayer you don’t understand what where they or how it ended fastly because you simply weren’t there , it’s something of knowing and feeling and touching things you won’t reach in the here and now and you .

I’ll try to write it down for now .
You can’t reach the absolute while having the nice walk ,
Without the blood and tears and pain and blood ,
You won’t ever ,
Without suffering ,being heartbroken and lost and losing , you and others and everything ,
And surrendering to the absolute isn’t just a nice meditation ,
It’s twirling with the storm of existence while you can’t holding yourself but giving your all to god , maybe that’s islam .
There’s no pleasures and joys and peace and orgasms of plasmas and psychedelics to be the pursuit ,
And i guess I’ve said it that i no longer find any meaning in them all anymore , nor in anything that has no suffering , with things that are just easy and pleasant and there and its fine to be there..

There’s a hell to run,
There’s a heart that lost and it’s fine to be that way because it’s only possible to reach love truly by it ,
Maybe while i run i reach time’s while I’m there , sprinting in the track and i feel , like there’s no ceiling , there’s a feeling about the sky that i won’t ever reach and go at without the pain of running and exhausting every breath in u,
And it’s like you’ve never seen before..
And you’re here , being here , running with your heads up , and you’re just touching this for this single moment of “it” and you’re already whole..
If you wanna flow you’ll just be above the river , you won’t reach the worldy worlds inside without diving effortfully.

مَا أَنزَلْنَا عَلَيْكَ الْقُرْآنَ لِتَشْقَى
إِلاَّ تَذْكِرَةً لِّمَن يَخْشَى
تَنزِيلا مِّمَّنْ خَلَقَ الأَرْضَ وَالسَّمَاوَاتِ الْعُلَى
الرَّحْمَنُ عَلَى الْعَرْشِ اسْتَوَى
لَهُ مَا فِي السَّمَاوَاتِ وَمَا فِي الأَرْضِ وَمَا بَيْنَهُمَا وَمَا تَحْتَ الثَّرَى
وَإِن تَجْهَرْ بِالْقَوْلِ فَإِنَّهُ يَعْلَمُ السِّرَّ وَأَخْفَى
اللَّهُ لا إِلَهَ إِلاَّ هُوَ لَهُ الأَسْمَاء الْحُسْنَى
وَهَلْ أَتَاكَ حَدِيثُ مُوسَى
إِذْ رَأَى نَارًا فَقَالَ لِأَهْلِهِ امْكُثُوا إِنِّي آنَسْتُ نَارًا لَّعَلِّي آتِيكُم مِّنْهَا بِقَبَسٍ أَوْ أَجِدُ عَلَى النَّارِ هُدًى
فَلَمَّا أَتَاهَا نُودِي يَا مُوسَى
إِنِّي أَنَا رَبُّكَ فَاخْلَعْ نَعْلَيْكَ إِنَّكَ بِالْوَادِ الْمُقَدَّسِ طُوًى
وَأَنَا اخْتَرْتُكَ فَاسْتَمِعْ لِمَا يُوحَى
إِنَّنِي أَنَا اللَّهُ لا إِلَهَ إِلاَّ أَنَا فَاعْبُدْنِي وَأَقِمِ الصَّلاةَ لِذِكْرِي
إِنَّ السَّاعَةَ آتِيَةٌ أَكَادُ أُخْفِيهَا لِتُجْزَى كُلُّ نَفْسٍ بِمَا تَسْعَى
فَلاَ يَصُدَّنَّكَ عَنْهَا مَنْ لاَ يُؤْمِنُ بِهَا وَاتَّبَعَ هَوَاهُ فَتَرْدَى

We wondered what it could be
Like the realization of you for the same time
There’s the realization of the better you , of her , for the first time too
And once it hits you , it hits
You become so distant from the fact that you’re together ,
More into the fact that you’re each other ,
Until you’re not ,
Not even yourself .

They say we give meaning to what we want in what we understand ,
I say love could never be given any kind of meaning ,
It doesn’t count ,
It can’t be sensed ,
It’s just a matter thrown into the wind of a loudy town .

And you go by trying to spray all the other colors ,
And you go by trying to merge these worlds ,
To feel like you were both in the same space , the same place , and you belonged there..
Even though no one does now ,
Not even you belong to your own world ,
Or hers ,
But to that lost empty space of her , that she left too , like you do everyday ,
And i wonder what do i do ,
Should’ve done ,
Had to..
I wonder if any eco still goes there even though i might never know ,
It’s a ghost shell , a ghost closet , a ghost town of memories and feelings and mental places of self and selves.
And i wonder if i was ever capable of loving ,
When i know i can’t withstand anything ,
But why i devoted myself for it ,
When everyone devoted themselves for the spring of time ,
The irony is that i flower in solitude while it gets pretty grey outside.

I wonder sometimes ,
Sometimes is as all my life , i do.
What kind of happy ending should have been ,
Of smiling , being , running together ,
Over a sunset beach ,
Over the mountain dawn ,
Then i know ,
It’s not written to me to be ever ,
A self reflecting self of a self reflecting other ,
That I’ll always weep and suffer ,
That my love story will be incomplete , will and is a sad story , like no other ,
My love story is heartbreaking , sad ,
Was were forever.

My shadows seems to fade to the dark ,
Maybe I’m the reason ,
Maybe I didn’t try ,
But i wanna be ,
With every inch or cell or spit on my body i wanna be ,
You know god I’d bleed for it ,
But i don’t know the way , myself , and the way out of myself ,
The worlds seems to fade too ,
And i pray to you to drive it back ,
Because i promised that kid to go crush the ball and the game ,
And he screamed at me without opening his mouth ,
Without saying a word ,
But i keep hoping that there’s a story to my story ,
Somewhere somehow sometime out there ,
Over there , which i can’t know yet ,
And even though it’s a ghostly clear despair ,
I still hope you could clear the way , out of myself , out of all of this .

God i wanna be .

On a summer night that kid jumped up ,
He thought that not the earth could hold him ,
And i don’t know anything ,
I don’t own anything ,
But my admiration for you and for him ..

Even though i left it back there a long time ago ,
And i still look back there whenever I’m blue ,
And even though I’m still as lost as ever ,
You’re teaching me the true meaning of going back again to that endless light i should endlessly run to .

I wanna be ,
Knowingly why I’m here ,
Knowingly who i am ,
As i blow with the wind with all my fears ,
I wanna be ,
Existing like i used to be ,
Like i should be ,
Since my name was written in the beginning of eternity,
I wanna be forever ,
God ,
Born in the star of dreams ,
I wanna be ,
For that kid ,
Larger than life has tried to ever be .

5 years and a step have passed ,
The dr walked into the room ,
Filled with strangers yet to become strangers ,
Where do you see yourself 5 years away ?
He asked the typical cliche nonsense question..
“Happy” i said , only i said..
And it’s done since then ,
I’m still at the shore i went down to,
I’m grateful for a world lived way beyond everyone could see,
But I’m far away way beyond to be called happy.

If i ever learned a thing through the eyes of time ,
It’s the application of meaning..
I no longer see meaning through the happy,
I no longer see the meaning to make a sense of it,
Way beyond wishing for it,
Don’t get me wrong,
I’m way over despair,
Not in it, in the maze of it ,
Of surpassing life,
Of forgetting who i was ,
What i did ,
How i loved ,
How i acted when i dreamed ,
How i was supposed to act when i dreamed.

If u could see ,
Through the edges of time ,
Through the whole of the sun ,
Into eternity’s gate ,
Would you run away ?
Would you ask it ?
Would you ever know ?
What if heaven smiled ?
What if she mocked you trying to be happy ?
What if you’ll be happy ?

What was written before what is written ?
Would you ever know what you were supposed to be ?
Were you ever supposed to know what you’ll be ?
Who are you if you could’ve been anything ? Anyone ?
And you still can ,
But you ain’t no one ,
You’re not here .
Not anywhere.
Not in eternity .
I’m not happy ,
I’m it ,
The void ,
The night , space , vagabond ,
Floating through the vision of god ,
You’re gonna carry that weight , space cowboy..

We’re waiting for tragedy
In the depth of heaven
For heartbreak
For the tears that ain’t coming
For the apocalypse
For the great flood ,
Because we want to live.

I guess it was implanted to us all back before we ever existed
That nirvana , that salvation
Will always exist only through the eyes of pain and despair
That through hell only you’ll reach heaven
And through hell only you’ll taste thyself
And rhat’s why its applied
In our looks , hearts , and holy books

And if it was so plain and day
You’ll stay with yourself that you can’t stand to hear
So without incidents and failures and breaks
Without falling and hurting and get hurt
Without dying and waiting to die
And all the days and the morning suns you try
Without the tears , not under rain but under a blue velvet sky
You won’t feel alive
You won’t survive

We fall in love
To know something down the road
We fall and submit into god
To feel something we can never comprehend , say , understand ,
I guess we’ll keep searching down the line ,
To get reborn ,
To live again ,
Not for hope ,
For tragedy.