Author: Zaki Monzer

The human heart is an interdimensional portal ,
Whatever your consciousness want or not radiate through it,
Even your deep mind,
I’m reflecting on my writing journey,
Why I’m unable to bring my stories to life after 4 years,
I’m doing this now bcz my writing files have been lost,
Although I’m heartbroken, i have no problem to make them once again.

I don’t fear writing,
I fear my dreams,
I don’t dream of fears,
I dream of what i write,
This is what i meant of an interdimensional heart.

Used to think I’m a perfectionist and I’m keep thinking because i don’t feel i will bring them as it is and the best of them, the other worldy worlds,
And not sure how they gonna be reflected in this one and this mind and this language,
A mind won’t settle for less there because it’s been settling for less here in this life for as long as it remembers,
Could be logical..
But not precisely the case,
To dive deep,
I’m still searching for a place at the bottom of the sea,
Where I’m hurt,
Because up in the surface I’m always let down,
And maybe if you’re not able to fly at the sky up,
Then you can break the sea floor down and find another one you can fly through,
When you look up at many stories,
As bocchi the rock and maybe many other fiction and non fiction,
The pursuer for a greater self , life , destiny , path.. always on his way to set them he meet up with certain circumstances,  people , chances , or places that could help him , resonate with him , or even willing to dive or take the same fear as him , and then so it begins..
That’s the thing i don’t want to write about in my stories,
They will all be helpless,
Alone with their minds,
No support system,
No home to reach too and no friends to look at them , not even push them to the road of a greater purpose.

There’s no signs that they will come ,
But there’s signs that I’ll go there ,
I don’t know these lands enough yet to bring them ,
They have no use now ,
Maybe later will be a greater one ,
Maybe now the heart is holding them ,
Maybe later they’ll hold it,
Because no one is willing to ,
You’re being let down and let down that you’ll be going up with them,
Someday I’m gonna grow wings,
Hysterical and useless,

If you’re not afraid of your dreams you are not dreaming big enough , good signs.

We used to write only at midnight ,
Now there’s no difference at morning light,
Because the sun was only in our hearts ,
And we lost it with our hearts ,
And she saw the light ,
Then she took it with her ,
So it’s fine in the morning light ,
At least it’s beyond the sight ,
Where we don’t belong to ,
Because she took it with her ,
Our last resort of a shoulder ,
You can write at the morning light ,
It’s fine now ,
You don’t have to fight .

My grandma loved gardens ,
And to peel pomegranate for us too ,
She loved picking trees ,
And fields of her only in the frame ,
But now how can i feel ,
Or cry ,
When she can’t peel or pick anymore ,
And i can’t seek another goal ,
Just to get it back ,
The dark ages of mine ,
Where we could go to the trees ,
Without guns pointed at us ,
She can’t peel pomegranate anymore ,
Because guns are pointed at us ..

She can’t go to the fields anymore ,
Where she stood alone ,
Because you see my grandma loved walking ,
And where she walked to ,
She would pick from the trees ,
My grandma loved picking ,
But now how can she ?
When only one leg was left below her knees ?

And how can i keep running ,
With my grandma without her knees ?
And how can i stop running ?
When i can’t even cry ,
Even if i try ,
Because my lover wasn’t quite known to crying ,
But i was ,
And now I’m not quite known to crying ,
Only when i remember her ,
And the light left with her ,
As my grandma hope with the field..

And if i could i would ,
Give her both my legs if i could ,
Legs that holds my life right now ,
From not ending , from not falling apart ,
But i would fall for her ,
If it means she’d pick fig and jujube again ,
As i fell for the sun before ,
The one that told me she’d peel oranges by her hands ,
The hands that grabbed the light ,
And took it away with her.

I got many faces,
Freak’s the one I’m not,
24 people i dreamed about ,
And i still can’t stop the count,
I didn’t blink that I’d make it till 24,
So now i scream to an empty wind while i run.

I gave up on religions so i use songs lyrics as prayers now,
Songs of people i could relate to,
Before finding out their houses of gold,
I still wish they were like what they said too,
Like me too,
Trying to be a good friend , good son.

But at night my mom’s prayers are the reason heaven’s still trying to fix me,
While at night i throw all my sweaty shirts away,
And before night my friend told me he’s broken,
While i sit there with nothing i could say,
But I’m broken on the way too my friend,
And I’d give you all my pieces if i could,
I’ll give them all away,
Even if nothing left of me for you,
I’ll give them all away.

I got many faces ,
Freak’s the one I’m running from,
So rain down god and destroy me with him,
With them all,
Because he’s also a part of my heart,
I wanted to know the difference between dying and living,
Now i want them two too,
And grief is the only reason I’m living now,
You know i never thought I’d make it till 24,
Now maybe at 25 I’d fantasize more about the end too,
But the only thing i ended was my lover,
And i left the hero with her with no clue,
And i left me with the freak.

Most people keep telling that what i write is deep,
Sad , and blue,
But the know nothing shit of my stories,
They still no nothing to come,
If i did before it, I’ll let you know,
Now my parents turn the ac,
And i run because I’m cold all the time,
And i don’t know what else to feel,
I keep watching an old man’s life movie to keep hope that I’ll be like him too,
Tell me,
How to feel,
Where the only one you’re left with in your birthday,
Isn’t your best friend,
But her best friend too,
But I’ll keep her for now,
She’s cool.
And my other friend won’t remember,
It wasn’t about the flower or the cake or the flash that my parents can’t breath that you gave,
It was about that i don’t wanna be seen , i wanna be heard,
And i know i gave up on this option a long time,
To be found , to be shared,
But why did you gave up on hearing me instead ?
And the third friend was myself,
I finally made friends with me,
Maybe again..
And I’m happy i finally met him,
But i still cry even now,
Because now i got me and myself with each other to stand,
We stood and ran,
But we couldn’t manage our pace of our easy days,
Because i could never could slow down ,
Even she told me more than five years ago,
To walk by each other side,
But i couldn’t but to run..
I couldn’t but to run,

And the other hated all the running, didn’t even come to my races..

But I’ll blame it on the morning,

And I’ll sign a petition for night races,
And now i passed everyone,
Everyone,
And i was left alone sprinting under the sun,
So i run and run
And i scream to the empty wind,
Empty wind , no wait , that’s me ,
Because i got too many faces,
Freak’s the one i am.

And all of us faces ,

And all of us people from dreams, stick to him , because we screamed to an empty wind , empty wind , no way , that’s me , because i got too many faces , freak’s the one who ran , with me.

Memory is a strange thing ,
U might forget your life but it doesn’t,
Shaky day , even mind ,
I told myself I’ll take a nap ,
I’m not tired ,
I just felt in need for a fictional dream ,
Sometimes i open pinterest inorder to see things so i can dream about them ,
Like a procedure to think of stuff i wanna dive in before sinking in another hole .

It was long , and in the end of it someone was telling me he miss me , he was in a tent , i drew closer , i thought it was my friend i met this week , why would she miss me ? I drew even closer .

All my past year,  it’s just in my mind that i didn’t run before that in my life back when i was young and a kid ,
It didn’t happen , i remember that ,
I saw a friend , i knew him but i tried to remember him ,
He was my foreign neighbor when i was a kid , we were good friends , i even forgot his name ,
For over like 5 years i didn’t even think of him once not even it would come across my mind , you know people pass , life passes , so do i ,
Yet why did my mind come up of him in this dream right here ?
We hugged and it was like he traveled and was gonna go again , he told me he was living in a fresh sea country side and it was good , despite here is a city , i told him i envy him , although he came from a close cultured family , i don’t know his whereabouts rn , not even name ,
I didn’t even feel like he’ll stay in that dream even , sometimes that is what your mind wants , for you to only think of yourself , and he’s just a passing character , ncp , today i slammed the door on my cousin’s face , i apologized but i mean , it wasn’t me back then , it was what my mind think of itself , what it wants for itself , If i came back to real life , i know i will never meet him again , and that’s fine by me , i don’t live for that real life.

If it was.

I’ll tell later the left.

People keep telling me why do i write or post or be like that like I’m blue or deep , I’m not , it’s just that if u don’t fit in this world it’s because you are made for another one ,
I don’t know which i do , so i search ,
I read and watch ,
Even many stuff related to memory ,
Like emanon , punpun , horizon , angels egg , american dragon , lain , sonny boy , mushishi , summertine render , berserk, cowboy bebop , and so on endless , all about losing and getting lost , in another worlds and memories and times ,
Heck even my fictional stories end with memory and dreams related stuff , with a world yet forgotten , people yet to be alive…

It’s not blue , and I’m not , it’s dreamy and I’m glad i belong here ,
I’m glad to be like that ,
Your consciousness flows in a dimension that you can’t reach here , and it gives you memories u won’t even remember , like where are they even hidden all this time ? Does god control this state ? Ik it is , but it is… wide

Where do we go we roaming in this wasteland in search for our better selves ?
To our better selves, wherever we left it.

In the end of the dream,
He told me let’s go run again,
I starred at him like angels do while facing infinity.
We used to race when we were kids,
We ran back then,
Even for sprints,
I don’t know where it all went  that i didn’t think of it,
I don’t know where it all came from that it came right now,
We used to run.
I’m sure I’m probably not meet him again , he’ll never see or know of this, and even if he doesn’t mean anything to me now,
I know that in another world we’ll run again.
In the end of the dream i came up with my notes to write this down, because i know that won’t last , i wrote all those stuff i did now here down , and then i woke up here , into another dream..
I don’t think this is the real world either ,
I don’t even quite know now that all those memories are real ,
But they exist beside me ,
In this forgotten life ,
And forgotten post ,
And a wandering self .

God sees , god is real.

This is a love letter to god ,
The absolute,
I’ve always wanted to set on a journey to find you ,
And know you’re both unreachable and the closest to reach,
But you’re beyond us ,
And I’ve been trying all my life to search for sth beyond me ,
I just was wondering into infinity since the day i realized i existed,
And i went for the pursuit of the absolute,
Through the smell of the fridge at night ,
Through the mother’s tears ,
At the sea at night ,
While floating in river , bed , grass field , track field ,
While waving to the silent kids in the bus who are making a heart shape ,
Through the books I’ve read when i was young ,
And all my favorite movies for no reasons that i recommend for no reason and no one watch ,
Through the pain when the lactate hits you while running ,
In the runner’s high,
While opening our childhood albums ,
And remembering all the beloved ones that have passed , while remembering all the love a heart could pour in a lifetimes and yet still gives more and searches for more places to put it ,
Through a story a manga an anime that taught you the infinite in a scene and you sat there dazzled ,
Through a summer night cold breeze ,
And all the dark times inside the closet ,
And empty building ,
And inside under the rooftop ,
Through a scent you catched but couldn’t quite remember where , maybe at the cinema ,
With the injuries of when you were just a little rascal,
While mourning for a loved one that left this life ,
While feeling the long time you gotta live without him ,
While thinking of all the love martyrs poured to live and die for you god ,
With all the tales that transcended space and time and us ,
Transcended us..
Like our childhood shows ,
And games too ,
And when your grandma made you food ,
The smell of it ,
The morning of eid ,
The love letters left inside a drawer ,
Alongside your grandpas newspapers ,
While listening to classical music and a girl singing a deep melody ,
In empty spaces ,
And empty night where you were alone ,
Through prayers when you just leave all this dimension underneath and maybe just , feel ,
When we feel , truly ,
A leaf of a tree ,
And a bunch of ants passing ,
The edge of the stars that will never end , with you knowing it’s just set in a very very very dark empty place in this universe , with all your memories , and tears and joy , that will all be lost in time , through all the times you’ve ran in the rain and all the times you loved to see someone under the rain , and a the endless infinite love you could think to give but don’t know where , and all the places you could’ve visit but don’t know where to start and a the things you could do , and the paths you could take and the memories you don’t know where to collect , to the space cowboys waving through millions of stars away ,  to all the strangers you meet and you feel you’ve lived with them before and the people in your dreams you ran at eternity’s gate with , yet you wake up to another dream , you can’t fathom but only layers of layers of alternate world , build upon your light god , i hope that I’m drifting to you when even knowing what i stands for is the least i can’t do , but I’m on my way , through tears fears pain blood sweat spit and a heart , literally a heart , hehe , see you forever , with love

I am kneeling on my bed,
Between two worlds,
With no edge to stand on,
With no face to hide.
I finished my prayers,
And i know they will be answered,
But will i do ? Will i ?
I put my face between two spaces,
One for tragedy and one for faith,
And i don’t know which one I’ll became,
Don’t know where I’m going,
Don’t know where I’m at,
But the way I’ve been running,
Says it’s a long way out,
And i hold my heart i no longer feel,
With my hand i don’t use,
Maybe I’ll make it up this time,
Maybe it will make me too,
And it’s broken but yet..golden,
It’s broken but there’s no time to grief,
About the broken pomegranate,
My lover once gave me,
And the broken mug that she made me,
And i don’t know if it’s fate,
I didn’t even see how it happened,
But all have been shattered to pieces,
That i keep in my drawer,
Alongside my heart,
They say fill them with melted gold,
And stick them together,
I don’t think they could ever,
Bring what was once told,
Broken pieces of feelings of old,
I’ll thank my long left lover,
At some passing cloud,
She might not know when she sees it,
But it might rain,
We could all touch the rain,
I’m sorry for choosing to be broken,
Alongside all stuff in my life,
But for them i am going,
For them i run and strive,
Those little pieces,
I’ll hold them together,
Like no one did from the start,
But the bed holds me now ,
The bed took the part,
They might never be fixed , unbroken ,
But I’ll hold them together,
With my broken heart.
Together , together , o what is unknown tears but art

What would you do when you’re no longer human ?
When u can’t feel anymore ,
Not about emotions ,
But about emotional understanding..
I don’t know if it’s maturity or a curse,
But what would you do if all earthly matters literally died in your eyes , all the places and all the stuff , all the events.. all just cliche limitations i don’t quite understand how people take it and take in it and live with it,  i really don’t understand human concepts anymore not even conversations..
U can look at life for a lifetime,
And you can look for couple of times , to realize that this is all just an infinite abyss of people and paths and choices , and how can i know where i stand in it all ?
How can i know where i belong if i don’t even know who i am ?
How can i be with anyone if so ?
I swear i gave my all to everyone I’ve known too , and i don’t think in the length of my life that i deserve all that was given back to me.. and over all of that i still try to understand them and care and give give give , god taught me that.
And still
Everything is gone.
All I’ve lived and loved , all the memories and places and people and movies and memories , all in history’s dark mind.
You know , all those moments will be lost in time like tears in the rain, and i live by it , all these people and stories will be lost , all I’ve lived will be , so now i just can’t feel anything anymore , u can say u should appreciate this moment then , but no the problem is that i appreciate all that is gone and all that is gone is all of existence and it’s endless possibilities and I’m just here trying to play a monopoly for this character that i call me and how can i know god ? How ?
How and all that is left of me now is just a huge hole and I’m barely clinging to life just because of fictional story of people suffering and still going on..
And i know i could never be understood nor all what i feel in existence,  and maybe i feel alot to the point of no return ,
But here what i can just give , i don’t have anything ,i am not anything , i don’t belong anywhere , i know nothing at all and i don’t have any skill , when people tell me how i am or what will i do these days I’m just silent
I’m silent and that is all i can ever be , i run and only run and that is all i can ever do , in fact all i ever thought of when i was a kid is just running  away for no particular reason , like it’s in my blood and soul , i can’t even let all the stories inside me out and it’s bursting inside,  and all i ever wanted was just someone to watch me die while i cry and tell him how beautiful it is to exist and be alive , all i ever wanted is to be found, not by anyone , not by me , but sometimes u bet on a story out of this world , maybe I’ll bet on losing dogs too

Was it written from the start
That our fate was to look for more
That humans will follow the apple
That we always long for a greater cause
And maybe in the end
I’d screw the humans
I’d screw the causes and screw the fates
And I’ll look for me
Ever since i was young where i don’t even remember
I started to craft this book
And even though the road is already set
God knows I’m nowhere to know where to rn
But on and on and on we go
And run and run and bleed and scream we set
For the greater cause
For the ultimate triumph
And it’s not a sin , is it ?
To seek something greater that us
Greater than here
Greater than life itself
Even over waves and waves of nostalgia
And tears of uncertainty
And fears and pain
Even while leaving our old selves behind
Who tells you where it could lead you beside
Even if adrift
Even if afar
Even if against all human nature
To stay under the sun
Inside the house
Outside the cave
I wanna be
He called me and god waited for me
I wanna be
Wherever the path may lead
I wanna be
For god is lighting and god foresee
I wanna be
Greater than life
Greater than me
Like the way jonah set on the sailing ship
And moses sat under the tree
Like ibraham thrown into the blazing flame
While noah flow over the thousands mountains of sea
I wanna be
Born on the star of dreams
Flying inside a dream
I wanna go , god

قَالَ كَلَّا ۖ إِنَّ مَعِيَ رَبِّي سَيَهْدِينِ (62)
فَآمَنَ لَهُ لُوطٌ ۘ وَقَالَ إِنِّي مُهَاجِرٌ إِلَىٰ رَبِّي ۖ إِنَّهُ هُوَ الْعَزِيزُ الْحَكِيمُ (26)
وَقَالَ إِنِّي ذَاهِبٌ إِلَىٰ رَبِّي سَيَهْدِينِ (99)
الَّذِي خَلَقَ فَسَوَّى وَالَّذِي قَدَّرَ فَهَدَى(2- 3‏)
قَالَ رَبُّنَا الَّذِي أَعْطَىٰ كُلَّ شَيْءٍ خَلْقَهُ ثُمَّ هَدَىٰ (50)
الَّذِي خَلَقَنِي فَهُوَ يَهْدِينِ (78)

I used to sit on the edge
I was that kid
Alone
And I’m still here
Standing on the edge
But I’m not him
I’m looking for him
Alone
I can still sense an existential crisis
Of how small
How big
How incomprehensible
And how nothing will be known
How it will all be so so big
Beyond expression
I am still looking for that kid
Standing on the rope of this world
Watching life
Gazing at unseen beauty
And i still can’t express what he saw
And never will
And you know amidst all this unknowing
And that we’re finite
And that this world will all be gone someday
And all the ants and all the flowers and all the times you felt alive while swimming in waters
And all the times you smelled the fridge and counted steps and you cried
And amidst all these people going and going even you going and going
Amidst this big numbers of choices and humans and places and times and memories that can’t be grasped,
I grasped, in love
That’s the only thing left
Only thing i can do
I can see
With all the pain
And suffering
And the things i don’t like
And the hole left behind
And the kid left behind
I can love ,
Only , everly , ever , forever.
All these moments will be lost in time and so am i,
And so will be the feelings reflected on that kid’s eyes..
And all the paintings you’ve loved
And all those who screamed, in joy , in terror ..
And i know its not the end,
It’s the end of the beginning,
And it’s so infinite,
God you’re so infinite and this world is so big and i just can’t but to tear down and break out in love ,
For the sake of this all ,
Truly life should be lived to the point of tears ,
Expect for me, it should be lived to the point of finding that kid,
And except for that it should seen to the point of tears,
I’m slowly drifting to you god , a million ways , while staring, everything is calling me a billion light years away from you , I’m on my way , with that kid , with love , I’m on , I’m on..

Being human might be the hardest thing i ever got to do/be,
Yet still despite all the struggles and pains that comes with it,
Despite having only 3d senses and a limited view to reality and the plane of consciousness and existence you’re in,
Despite being very , very very small, limited, unknown, unknowing,
I love being human.
Even if i don’t wanna share it with other humans,
Even if i don’t want it to be a common thing related between us,
Even if humanity as a sense has failed us and we failed it,
I just will stick this time to the little moments of us drawing on windows and hugging sunshine , of getting up for nothing and no reason for it ever , for being selfless in the face of not being seen , of being selfish for a joy for your little inner self , for screwing again and again and again , for having fun in the most desperate situations or races,
For wanting to fix it , to be better , to be more , to be grand ,
Even if I’m speaking of few ,
Humanity , true humanity , is the few , unheard of , unseen , little underground star dusts of flesh that makes them ,
And i live to be able to see them,
Because everyone else are just walking trains,
And speaking monkeys and watching screens,
With no hearts to return to,
With no inner childs to speak with,
To reconnect with,
With no plug to have to escape the matrix,
Out of their minds and feelings,
Of no will,

أفلا تعقلون.
I love when sometime i belong to people out of all spaces and times , that sometimes do human things,
That try ,
That return back to god’s flow, over and over,
Because he created us that way,
And he wasn’t angry about us when the times got to be human times,
It was short spaces of love for a cumulative loving state of being.

I love when sometimes I’m human , like the few.