I feel very late , I feel lately , That I’m doing things , Things i didn’t do , So i wonder and maybe i wondered alot , So i blame myself , But i read blame then i remembered , I’d forget about this time too , Maybe it wasn’t wasted , Maybe i was still searching , Still carying this rope to the mean time , Only now i feel it more often , As the dire need for home comes closer , And it reaches my throat , That i breath with while running , To make room for youth , To search in what ally i went there , And i forgave the walls i leaned on , I forgave the desks i cried under , I forgave the roads i never crossed , I forgave myself i never saw , or will , If we ever crossed time roads , And since i use a lot of breathing now , My throat is full , There’s no room left for home .
I ran through hell , In hell i was alive , A boy ran under the sun , today , But i felt it there , Why you can’t hear the answers , I knew it there , Where you could only see them , I felt like running again, Although i know that just one step further , and I’ll break .
If i could go back i could again , Continue the miles through pain , I told myself , But it’s all like life , Once it end , there’s nothing more , It was life , how it should be , How it should end , Life itself , and nothing more .
Just as pain going down , Like the river’s waters , I went down , Like a bold character with bold hair , Although I’m a bold character with bold hair , But i wasn’t like him , Until today , I will , I was will .
I sat with a cat by my side , Not because i love her , But because they loved her , I sat thinking of the difference , That i felt between waking up and being asleep , Because i don’t feel at all .
The cat in the wind , I’m in the wind , With the cat , of two different colors , I watched two films , One about being silent , The other about listening , They became my coping space , Because they left with my songs , And now I’m trying to search for a third movie , Or thirty kilometers to run .
They are telling me to make a choice , The same as like two years ago , or so , When i left her , I couldn’t make a choice , Like now , Now I’m writing this because i can’t commit a killing , To myself , Because god created me this way , They tell me why i am like this , As if i wished so , As if i could know , As if i could know , As if i could .
My writings were lost , My stories were , I wondered why , The dog ate the poems there too , He sat by the river , So i sit here by myself , My writings were lost , Because i am lost , And because they are a part of me , That doesn’t exist here , They were gone , from here , And I’m not depressed , down , or it the it , I’m simply not , I’m simple , I wish i was not .
Please god , don’t you see , Just a boy not caught up in dreams , Please, see me , Just a man not caught up in fantasies , Reaching out for you , For someone I can’t see , And i can’t see anything else as well , But you do god , You always do .
Take my hand , Let’s see where we wake up tomorrow , From where i do come , What could i plan , I’ll be damned if i do , I can just run from my tears , God, tell us the reason , My youth was wasted when i was young , My life was wasted when i was young , It’s hunting season , And the world is running fast , So i decided to slow my legs down .
I’m not searching for meaning , Who are we when you did , Dropped the waters and made it exist , Woe is me when i say I’m glad i exist , Best memories brings you sorrow , And it’s only your own , Turn the page , Like everyday’s sun , Maybe we’ll find a brand new ending , Not brand new us .
Where we were running in our tears , I thought I saw you out there crying , But i wasn’t , I thought I heard you call my name god , Between trees on road sides , Vindicated , I thought it was written , And i prayed too , I was a vision reaching down from you , I run , but i didn’t turn away , And I thought I heard them out there crying , Just the same .
You’re not alone in this world , This world is alone with you , And this is a happy song , Because this is a sea stood upon by no one , And how beautiful it is that no one came , And stood by this sea , By this shore , But there is footprints , And they are wide , So someone was running , Maybe he was left behind .
You sea this is a very tearful beautiful dream, You sea life is a painful bliss of tears , You sea what you see as a mirror to the sky , You sea what you see when you run , Your foot on the sand , Your head in the sky , And your heart , It was let down , dear Broken , yet full full full , That you couldn’t help but burst of joy .
And if not a dark age , How could you ever taste the ultimate joy ? If not an age in the dark , How can you blossom in a staggering light ? Like a song of redemption , For the sea , for the sea , Not you , not me .
If you’re not let down my dear , Forever and ever , How could you ever want a reason to fly up, Leaving also yourself , Into a world beyond what’s unreal.
And now I’ll tell my part , If i wouldn’t run , I would have taken all of this life apart , Even if i got burnt out , I wouldn’t pull this apart , Of trying to have a good heart , of loving of giving , When let down , When you run with everyone , Of no reason , Of selfless part , Of a good heart , to open , Beyond what you messed in your soul , To build some wings someday , To a sea , Of running , of a table full of people of me , To sea , to tears , of wanting to be , Of a heart , to sea , To see a heart, Alone , as it should be , Full , reborn , Without end , without a start.
The human heart is an interdimensional portal , Whatever your consciousness want or not radiate through it, Even your deep mind, I’m reflecting on my writing journey, Why I’m unable to bring my stories to life after 4 years, I’m doing this now bcz my writing files have been lost, Although I’m heartbroken, i have no problem to make them once again.
I don’t fear writing, I fear my dreams, I don’t dream of fears, I dream of what i write, This is what i meant of an interdimensional heart.
Used to think I’m a perfectionist and I’m keep thinking because i don’t feel i will bring them as it is and the best of them, the other worldy worlds, And not sure how they gonna be reflected in this one and this mind and this language, A mind won’t settle for less there because it’s been settling for less here in this life for as long as it remembers, Could be logical.. But not precisely the case, To dive deep, I’m still searching for a place at the bottom of the sea, Where I’m hurt, Because up in the surface I’m always let down, And maybe if you’re not able to fly at the sky up, Then you can break the sea floor down and find another one you can fly through, When you look up at many stories, As bocchi the rock and maybe many other fiction and non fiction, The pursuer for a greater self , life , destiny , path.. always on his way to set them he meet up with certain circumstances, people , chances , or places that could help him , resonate with him , or even willing to dive or take the same fear as him , and then so it begins.. That’s the thing i don’t want to write about in my stories, They will all be helpless, Alone with their minds, No support system, No home to reach too and no friends to look at them , not even push them to the road of a greater purpose.
There’s no signs that they will come , But there’s signs that I’ll go there , I don’t know these lands enough yet to bring them , They have no use now , Maybe later will be a greater one , Maybe now the heart is holding them , Maybe later they’ll hold it, Because no one is willing to , You’re being let down and let down that you’ll be going up with them, Someday I’m gonna grow wings, Hysterical and useless,
If you’re not afraid of your dreams you are not dreaming big enough , good signs.
We used to write only at midnight , Now there’s no difference at morning light, Because the sun was only in our hearts , And we lost it with our hearts , And she saw the light , Then she took it with her , So it’s fine in the morning light , At least it’s beyond the sight , Where we don’t belong to , Because she took it with her , Our last resort of a shoulder , You can write at the morning light , It’s fine now , You don’t have to fight .
My grandma loved gardens , And to peel pomegranate for us too , She loved picking trees , And fields of her only in the frame , But now how can i feel , Or cry , When she can’t peel or pick anymore , And i can’t seek another goal , Just to get it back , The dark ages of mine , Where we could go to the trees , Without guns pointed at us , She can’t peel pomegranate anymore , Because guns are pointed at us ..
She can’t go to the fields anymore , Where she stood alone , Because you see my grandma loved walking , And where she walked to , She would pick from the trees , My grandma loved picking , But now how can she ? When only one leg was left below her knees ?
And how can i keep running , With my grandma without her knees ? And how can i stop running ? When i can’t even cry , Even if i try , Because my lover wasn’t quite known to crying , But i was , And now I’m not quite known to crying , Only when i remember her , And the light left with her , As my grandma hope with the field..
And if i could i would , Give her both my legs if i could , Legs that holds my life right now , From not ending , from not falling apart , But i would fall for her , If it means she’d pick fig and jujube again , As i fell for the sun before , The one that told me she’d peel oranges by her hands , The hands that grabbed the light , And took it away with her.
I got many faces, Freak’s the one I’m not, 24 people i dreamed about , And i still can’t stop the count, I didn’t blink that I’d make it till 24, So now i scream to an empty wind while i run.
I gave up on religions so i use songs lyrics as prayers now, Songs of people i could relate to, Before finding out their houses of gold, I still wish they were like what they said too, Like me too, Trying to be a good friend , good son.
But at night my mom’s prayers are the reason heaven’s still trying to fix me, While at night i throw all my sweaty shirts away, And before night my friend told me he’s broken, While i sit there with nothing i could say, But I’m broken on the way too my friend, And I’d give you all my pieces if i could, I’ll give them all away, Even if nothing left of me for you, I’ll give them all away.
I got many faces , Freak’s the one I’m running from, So rain down god and destroy me with him, With them all, Because he’s also a part of my heart, I wanted to know the difference between dying and living, Now i want them two too, And grief is the only reason I’m living now, You know i never thought I’d make it till 24, Now maybe at 25 I’d fantasize more about the end too, But the only thing i ended was my lover, And i left the hero with her with no clue, And i left me with the freak.
Most people keep telling that what i write is deep, Sad , and blue, But the know nothing shit of my stories, They still no nothing to come, If i did before it, I’ll let you know, Now my parents turn the ac, And i run because I’m cold all the time, And i don’t know what else to feel, I keep watching an old man’s life movie to keep hope that I’ll be like him too, Tell me, How to feel, Where the only one you’re left with in your birthday, Isn’t your best friend, But her best friend too, But I’ll keep her for now, She’s cool. And my other friend won’t remember, It wasn’t about the flower or the cake or the flash that my parents can’t breath that you gave, It was about that i don’t wanna be seen , i wanna be heard, And i know i gave up on this option a long time, To be found , to be shared, But why did you gave up on hearing me instead ? And the third friend was myself, I finally made friends with me, Maybe again.. And I’m happy i finally met him, But i still cry even now, Because now i got me and myself with each other to stand, We stood and ran, But we couldn’t manage our pace of our easy days, Because i could never could slow down , Even she told me more than five years ago, To walk by each other side, But i couldn’t but to run.. I couldn’t but to run,
And the other hated all the running, didn’t even come to my races..
But I’ll blame it on the morning,
And I’ll sign a petition for night races, And now i passed everyone, Everyone, And i was left alone sprinting under the sun, So i run and run And i scream to the empty wind, Empty wind , no wait , that’s me , Because i got too many faces, Freak’s the one i am.
And all of us faces ,
And all of us people from dreams, stick to him , because we screamed to an empty wind , empty wind , no way , that’s me , because i got too many faces , freak’s the one who ran , with me.
Memory is a strange thing , U might forget your life but it doesn’t, Shaky day , even mind , I told myself I’ll take a nap , I’m not tired , I just felt in need for a fictional dream , Sometimes i open pinterest inorder to see things so i can dream about them , Like a procedure to think of stuff i wanna dive in before sinking in another hole .
It was long , and in the end of it someone was telling me he miss me , he was in a tent , i drew closer , i thought it was my friend i met this week , why would she miss me ? I drew even closer .
All my past year, it’s just in my mind that i didn’t run before that in my life back when i was young and a kid , It didn’t happen , i remember that , I saw a friend , i knew him but i tried to remember him , He was my foreign neighbor when i was a kid , we were good friends , i even forgot his name , For over like 5 years i didn’t even think of him once not even it would come across my mind , you know people pass , life passes , so do i , Yet why did my mind come up of him in this dream right here ? We hugged and it was like he traveled and was gonna go again , he told me he was living in a fresh sea country side and it was good , despite here is a city , i told him i envy him , although he came from a close cultured family , i don’t know his whereabouts rn , not even name , I didn’t even feel like he’ll stay in that dream even , sometimes that is what your mind wants , for you to only think of yourself , and he’s just a passing character , ncp , today i slammed the door on my cousin’s face , i apologized but i mean , it wasn’t me back then , it was what my mind think of itself , what it wants for itself , If i came back to real life , i know i will never meet him again , and that’s fine by me , i don’t live for that real life.
If it was.
I’ll tell later the left.
People keep telling me why do i write or post or be like that like I’m blue or deep , I’m not , it’s just that if u don’t fit in this world it’s because you are made for another one , I don’t know which i do , so i search , I read and watch , Even many stuff related to memory , Like emanon , punpun , horizon , angels egg , american dragon , lain , sonny boy , mushishi , summertine render , berserk, cowboy bebop , and so on endless , all about losing and getting lost , in another worlds and memories and times , Heck even my fictional stories end with memory and dreams related stuff , with a world yet forgotten , people yet to be alive…
It’s not blue , and I’m not , it’s dreamy and I’m glad i belong here , I’m glad to be like that , Your consciousness flows in a dimension that you can’t reach here , and it gives you memories u won’t even remember , like where are they even hidden all this time ? Does god control this state ? Ik it is , but it is… wide
Where do we go we roaming in this wasteland in search for our better selves ? To our better selves, wherever we left it.
In the end of the dream, He told me let’s go run again, I starred at him like angels do while facing infinity. We used to race when we were kids, We ran back then, Even for sprints, I don’t know where it all went that i didn’t think of it, I don’t know where it all came from that it came right now, We used to run. I’m sure I’m probably not meet him again , he’ll never see or know of this, and even if he doesn’t mean anything to me now, I know that in another world we’ll run again. In the end of the dream i came up with my notes to write this down, because i know that won’t last , i wrote all those stuff i did now here down , and then i woke up here , into another dream.. I don’t think this is the real world either , I don’t even quite know now that all those memories are real , But they exist beside me , In this forgotten life , And forgotten post , And a wandering self .
This is a love letter to god , The absolute, I’ve always wanted to set on a journey to find you , And know you’re both unreachable and the closest to reach, But you’re beyond us , And I’ve been trying all my life to search for sth beyond me , I just was wondering into infinity since the day i realized i existed, And i went for the pursuit of the absolute, Through the smell of the fridge at night , Through the mother’s tears , At the sea at night , While floating in river , bed , grass field , track field , While waving to the silent kids in the bus who are making a heart shape , Through the books I’ve read when i was young , And all my favorite movies for no reasons that i recommend for no reason and no one watch , Through the pain when the lactate hits you while running , In the runner’s high, While opening our childhood albums , And remembering all the beloved ones that have passed , while remembering all the love a heart could pour in a lifetimes and yet still gives more and searches for more places to put it , Through a story a manga an anime that taught you the infinite in a scene and you sat there dazzled , Through a summer night cold breeze , And all the dark times inside the closet , And empty building , And inside under the rooftop , Through a scent you catched but couldn’t quite remember where , maybe at the cinema , With the injuries of when you were just a little rascal, While mourning for a loved one that left this life , While feeling the long time you gotta live without him , While thinking of all the love martyrs poured to live and die for you god , With all the tales that transcended space and time and us , Transcended us.. Like our childhood shows , And games too , And when your grandma made you food , The smell of it , The morning of eid , The love letters left inside a drawer , Alongside your grandpas newspapers , While listening to classical music and a girl singing a deep melody , In empty spaces , And empty night where you were alone , Through prayers when you just leave all this dimension underneath and maybe just , feel , When we feel , truly , A leaf of a tree , And a bunch of ants passing , The edge of the stars that will never end , with you knowing it’s just set in a very very very dark empty place in this universe , with all your memories , and tears and joy , that will all be lost in time , through all the times you’ve ran in the rain and all the times you loved to see someone under the rain , and a the endless infinite love you could think to give but don’t know where , and all the places you could’ve visit but don’t know where to start and a the things you could do , and the paths you could take and the memories you don’t know where to collect , to the space cowboys waving through millions of stars away , to all the strangers you meet and you feel you’ve lived with them before and the people in your dreams you ran at eternity’s gate with , yet you wake up to another dream , you can’t fathom but only layers of layers of alternate world , build upon your light god , i hope that I’m drifting to you when even knowing what i stands for is the least i can’t do , but I’m on my way , through tears fears pain blood sweat spit and a heart , literally a heart , hehe , see you forever , with love
zaki monzer 