Author: Zaki Monzer

اِلهِي مَاذَا وَجَدَ مَنْ فَقَدَكَ، وَمَا الَّذِي فَقَدَ مَنْ وَجَدَكَ ، اَنْتَ الْمُوْنِسُ لَهُمْ حَيْثُ اَوْحَشَتْهُمُ الْعَوَالِمُ، وَاَنْتَ الَّذِي هَدَيْتَهُمْ حَيْثُ اسْتَبَانَتْ لَهُمُ الْمَعَالِمُ.

I passed 2000km this year so far so i wrote this :

I run,
I move through thousands of worlds that move apart,
To make a path for me,
Each world in an air molecule,
Inside the summer wind,
In a silent fall night.

I run,
Worlds break through,
As this world break apart,
We run through the wind and think it will carry us forever,
I dash by the coastline,
By the great dark whale sea,
Sighted by my side,
I dig with my legs,
Like the ancients and the first lands,
While the air in my lungs is getting stolen.

I dig because someday i will vanish as the clouds,
I look down to the ocean that saw the world begin,
And will see the end,
I got reminded of god,
I’m slowly drifting to you,
Through thousand spaces and by thousands of faces,
Outside my mind,
On seashores,
Inside flashing visions,
Between the silence of stutters,
On path less paths the wind cave,
And as i dash at land i cry to you,
Since i can’t plant, not oranges , not pomegranate,
I can only dig my soul into the ground.

I search for you, my hope,
In distant lands and shires,
Through my wandering night,
Before i know you, god , i loved you,
After i loved you, i ran for you,
You can’t be seen by those who are looking,
But when did you first looked at my heart?
Since it bumps to know your art,
Alot, when it moves my feet to a beat,
Along thousands of miles,
Looking for a path-full path , to you.

The cars and planets are calling me,
In timeless dreams close-by,
Billion years away,
I’m on my way, away from me,
Wings twitch, but I’m on,
Even after I’m gone the all not knowing ocean will lead the way , to you ,

I run , as i pray,
A cinema prayer,
That’s never been shot,
Only seen, by you.

As the sun goes early,
On late autumn days,
A late life goes by,
Waiting for its sun,
Wind passed on a tree lined street,
With no trees in sight,
So life fled by like all the birds, carrying it,
And we were but a point left by,
Centered looking at them in the wind,
Wishing our time will come too.

Our visions opened up,
Like sunlight cracks through the clouds,
We’ve ran way far beneath them,
In many autumn days,
More than we can remember,
No trees ahead , no leaves ,
No tears , to be shed , to fall ,
No worries to be made ,
With no trees with leaves ahead,
And birds above your head.

No worries,
When you got two faces and two hearts,
You don’t need saving,
When you’re moving too fast,
You don’t need saving,
When you’re not moving too fast,
It only saddens me,
That in between all,
A fixed point in the train of life,
Was waiting to have the last seat,
Not for the scenes , only wind breeze.

The wind rises and hits you down,
When you’re running fast,
And it falls and hits you up,
When you’re not,
And i fell tired as i look up for the many trees of many lives,
That flies above with the birds,
I wanna fall in some life of them,
Like autumn leaves that never exist,
Like the birds do in distant lands,
I wanna fall in fall season ,
In distant life lands,
Beyond eyes , beyond the wind.

I’m not thinking of ending things ,
The savior both my blessing and my curse ,
My car of life , wasn’t stuck in the snow ,
But on my bed , which i can’t return to ,
Its two sides , had two worlds ,
Where neither i am at ,
Nor anybody else ,
I stood at the mountain top of both of them ,
Yet they ended at the island’s shore ,
No pirates entered either ,
Nobody had my empire of dirt ,
Nobody wanted it .

Casted away here ,
On a spotless island mind ,
I drove the car , with the snow outside ,
Wondering about the initial place ,
Wandering in the driveway through ,
What could’ve been ?
Written in the eternal eyes ,
That i wanna be ? But didn’t become ,
Was fated to drive here in the blizzard which i adore,
Not expecting any ships ,
As my heart bleed “the thing” ,
I’ve been praying for since ten ,
Not knowing what where when .

I carried the car as my as the island land ,
Through the damaged sea of white ,
Fantasizing about an eternal sunshine ,
Of pirates , about pirates ,
While gazing into the banner of the sun ,
No treasure to be ever found ,
I’m not lost , and I’m no treasure ,
And while other oceans couldn’t carry ,
The weight of existence in the middle of themselves,
I , the little swamp ,
With lousy loudly dirty creatures inside ,
With thousands of non-interaction , never happened ,
Maladaptive dreaming stories outside ,
Outside the window of the car ,
Far from the kingdom’s portal ,
I will carry the absurd ,
Of that empire’s world .

And i , who don’t exist , except there ,
I , with the wandering kids and mind ,
I’m not thinking of ending things ,
I will not leave any kind behind .

To wake up with a pursue
Of having day , maybe of work , maybe at a village stay,
Of wanting to drink , seven cups for seven days ,
Each of a color , each of a new sun ,
Waking up ,
Not knowing what’s over my head ,
Got into my fine legs ,
With only one small muscle , damaged ,
It has been beeping since days , alone ,
I wonder why..
Like a frog struggling for water and functioning ,
And sitting on an isolated leaf ,
Other muscles left her ,
They were just fine at the swamp ,
But you know ,
My entire body just can’t run an inch without her ,
This small unrecognizable muscle ,
Like a clan that is being completely demolished ,
Like a town with a tomb , getting annihilated .
I keep following swirls and circles ,
I miss running on track circles ,
I need to keep track of circles ,
Or else i won’t know ,
What’s over my head when i wake up ,
All i want is to run 400m sprints with my brothers again,
Brothers are only brothers because we meet in real ,
And one is between mountains ,
And the other is between hills ,
And I’m between them two  ,
I’m between two desks too ,
Running circles with them  ,
What a great dream to wake up to ,
Where we won’t be between anything at all ,
Just out , circling the air , no ceiling above , nothing on the sides of our side ,
Taking time now ,
In a simple place designed to take time to ,
My head rests on a pillow case ,
And it’s said that a war’s lead but I forget ,
Did it happen before ?
That I let another day go by , like it always did ,
I want to be afraid , then i will be normal
Bt I’m not , it seems that these days ,
I’m caught under space , but completely free ,
My heart’s getting harder , gladly
I sent my blood away ,
I’m calling god ,
I’m not screaming to an empty sky ,
The only empty sky is me ,

Used to tell god to let go ,

And that it is over my head ,

Knowing he never will , gladly ,
One half of my heart is free ,
On a track field ,
Other half of my heart’s asleep ,
On a pillow case ,
Wanting seven colorful mugs ,
For seven uncolored mornings ,
Each with a name of a day ,
Where i wake up knowing what’s over my head.

I felt my heart inside a dream
Two beats at a time
One to go
And one to slide
A long break between every skip
As if blood entered a void
And was guessing if to stay
Maybe it didn’t find a heart
Maybe i kept it somewhere
Although i was going to leave my home
And took the letters with me
The sea shelves , the pomegranate
The broken ones too
But I’m not broken
I splashed the scent
She loved
On the void between my chest
Because maybe it was left with her
And she could smell it in the dawn
As i leave before others wake up
As i leave with my bag , full of my drawer
As i hope that i could once again
Feel that I’m not doing enough
Feel that I’m not guilty enough
I wish i was feeling late enough
It was only late for me
I always felt that I’ve seen it all
Everything
Everything was late for
And I’ve always felt that I’m in the end of the tunnel
I’ve seen it all
I’ve felt it all
I craved more
Yet that was it
And before i open the door
A cold breeze came from below
Telling me there’s always more
Always more , more , more
Before i reach home
I wonder how long
Till i belong
To god to long
And something to fill the spaces
Something out of my mind
Because maybe it will be far
The house where i figure out my mind at
Maybe the people running uphill to me
Will only be stuck in my dreams
Where I let myself down
To bring them to life
They only wanted to be alive
I thought i don’t know how
But I’m just too let down to feel someone by my side
That could understand
That could see them
Because my heart was lost inside a dream
Two beats at a time
And I’ve seen it all
Enough of this world yet but
Also the other one , it hurts
It hurts
It hurts
God please forgive me for not growing wings
But trees over my back
So i could let everyone eat sceneries
But not stories
From my eyes
I’ve seen
When when when
When will i ever see , seen

Time of weep with a voice on its back,
A stamp of silent terror steep,
Never to be known who left it here,
Although it was still warm,
Was it a lover or a fire bomb storm?
All the people passed like a flash,
This they told me it was my life,
Took a cake to the bottom of my tongue then,
While i hear your voice driven from years it seems,
Is fate this brutal to say it back again?
Like telling all the other signs,
In times of insects, standing on hairs?
Of beautiful eyes getting shattered?
Of sacrifices, never made?
Of flying while never in the skies,
Of skies, not to be looked at,
But to look upon us?
Of us , not knowing,
But opening the palms,
To rivers to fall,
Seeing faces down the falls,
Faces, or is it ours?
Since none are seen anymore,
I could’ve been glad before,
If it was me,
A faceless monster,
But not now it seems,
It needs to be more,
I need to be too,
But less than her,
Less than her, they and us,
And bigger than life,
But not the skies,
Not bigger than a rain drop,
Not bigger than tears.

I’m found,
And it lightens my heart that i don’t know where, how,
But i wake up every morning with empty clear ears,
It’s not the sky of the ears,
But lately the quiet isn’t empty,
Because the sky is no longer dropping tears,
And smiling isn’t a way to ease the burden,
Nor a ship rushes to live,
Nor a pursue to a pursue,
Talking is a fish when you want to,
Days are found by me,
Not empty, not found in no shape,
Even with no one in sight,
Loneliness float away,
No sign for the need of it to stay,
Because my heart is full,
And my body isn’t,
The scent of rainy ground is like suicide of beauty,
The taste of raisins cake,
Burden eases everything, the past, except the smile,
I run on two legs to chop wood by my hands,
Time waits for no one,
We waited places too, time,
We waited places to another time,
I hate waiting too,
I’ll shadow fight all the waiting lists and packs,
Including the ones shipping myself,
Because I’ll be standing in the way of the present tense,
Only then I’ll be an illusion for time,
Will always be happening,
If i happened,
But i was found back then,
And the places we left will always be back then,
It will wait holding hands with time,
In pain,
It will wait for us,
On another rainy days,
We can only bet,
They don’t hate waiting too.

Time stopped at 18 ,
And i stepped at time ,
Dreamed of exams i have finished ,
Dreamed of the question of why didn’t i become me yet ,
When i was at a time , stopped then left ,
A heart was aiming for an emptiness machine , back then ,
When the sun left the sky , left it empty , empty sky ,
And only continued to shine everyday from the heart ,
Empty heart ,
So they aimed to both to re-bond together ,
And i , with a time stop , as the bridge .

A bridge to grab them both ,
With a collapsing floor , flouting , not bouncing ,
No foot to set ,
No sign of how much to run ,
Time exit this world ,
Space can no longer hold me too ,
Sun kept in my heart ,
So that every single piece that drive tears of grace ,
Became a guess for me ,
That maybe angels were sent my way ,
To ease the tiny time left in this space ,
But i can only wonder of that as a sand ,
Knowing i am not at the sea ,
And wander here , alone ,
What if someone else is feeling this beautiful cold wind too ?
But heaven didn’t forsake a moment yet ,
Nor a bond ,
Nor any bond .

🤍

I wasn’t a kid when i was a kid ,
I was a kid when I was not ,
I smell like corn when I’m tired or sweaty ,
Maybe because when i was a kid ,
I stood under it’s leaves ,
Running from the sun ,
And then it , the corn scent , hit me forever .

I wonder in good dreams lately ,
No secret to be found ,
No dreams to be remembered either ,
So they continue for continues days ,
Hopeful that my days will be washed like them ,
As i continue to not be washed for days ,
Because there’s no sweat found on my skin ,
Even after running ,
So i smell like corn .

Would a world filled with me just be corn-flowers ?
I was born at midnight ,
But ever since my first morning and the sun is still hitting me ,
I would be calm as a corn-flower ,
As i always am here ,
And i know there’s nothing like corn-flowers here ,
But a world filled with me , and only me ,
Would not be silent or calm ,
It would be loud , screaming , of joy definitely ,
Joy ,
Of daydreams at days ,
Of running , sweating , and not smelling like corn ,
Without caring of the sun hitting me , or us ,
Us ,
All of us that are of me .

I’m not talking ,
But ain’t silent ,
Mouths say it’s cold , sarcastic , some calm ,
I don’t see me ,
I’m not silent .

I’m not speaking ,
I get sick before getting words out ,
A crime if i do ,
Same as speaking out to ,
Even while praying ,
Bunch it all up in a bag ,
I’m still not silent ,
Maybe not enough .

A wind breeze rushed in ,
When i was rushing inside ,
To pray the words i try to hang ,
Each time i try ,
To make sense of the “i pray because i exist” ,
My right side felt the wind ,
I recalled the sky from the other day , split apart ,
My right side from today touched the left side of the sky from yesterday ,
Touched but not felt ,
The sky wanted to be felt ,
So i prayed once again ,
As a split person in a split sky ,
Maybe for the first time in two split of times ,
For me to fly , and for the sky , to be felt .