Author: Zaki Monzer

My long life is being filled with short films,
About people who bleed and cry and think,
Since everyone let all the worlds down, with you,
I don’t feel if anybody feels,
Or did anyone let you down with the world,
Did anyone look back?
I always felt like a shadow but was it always this clear for everyone?

My short life is being filled with long runs,
Where i bleed and cry and think,
And i thank the blessing that is empty streets,
I thank the blessing that is empty me,
I’m torn between a life that is flashing by and by a life waiting silently on a train,
Heading toward an eternal dream i don’t remember,
So you run towards that place you can’t remember and you can’t forget,
As you move on you still dream of her not being,
And you dream of yourself being happy,
You dream of yourself your kid being happy.

Lastly,
After a year of losing her,
But you now lost him,
After the last year where it all ended on the snow,
But the snow is pouring now,
You want your heart to pour down,
Because you learned how to love everyone , everyone,
And your heart can’t stay here,
Because the people you belong to were in ancient times,
They didn’t too stay here,
And she didn’t stay here,
She left on a friday afternoon,
And saturday morning still hadn’t come yet,
So you run alot in sundays,
In hope for only yesterday,
Only yesterday.

And the trainstations flash by now,
And I’m no longer a traveler,
I no longer fear the planes above my head,
Nor the pain under my leg,
I’m crying at the start of every movie,
Cause i wish i was ending things too,
All of the words and faces and places and dreams,
Are collected in a fruit basket for me,
That i send to the bees to eat,
In a future i no longer see if I’m heading to.

I am screaming to the void in silence,
That is the fullness of me,
And once i screamed in a void in silence,
They left on a friday,
The world doesnt want u to be calm and golden,
But wants you to leave first,
It’s loosing,
And I’ve given the world my all
Of you in it
With no interest
Only for you in it
You sided with it
Without your interest,
Now I’m writing mirrors,
To shut up my darkness,
Since I’m always running with only myself,
My heart isn’t in me,
I’m in the darkness in it.

Today they were filming the end of me,
While i was dashing ignoring my past, present, and future selves by each tree,
The sun killed me,
One february friday,
A february friday is all i became,
All i am is pain running though cold winter air,
To the end of it all,
I wanted to send a love sign to the camera,
A love letter perhaps to my life,
And before i even stopped,
They stopped me,
From even watching the end of it,
There’s no time left for screening,
Even when the film is about you,
Not even to be seen was a pursuit,
But never to be heard became my working for the knife,
No words, responses, hopes, days that i can’t remember nor forget,
I’m gonna end it all here,
It ended in a cold summer air,
I’m a february friday film.

If i had nine lives,
I’d spend the first one running,
Can bearly breath, can fully live,
Good stories, bad lives,
Maybe after i hit runner’s high,
I’d find peace, i would no longer be human,
I can spend the rest of my 8 lives living by the shore with no fears.

For my next two,
I’ll spend each one with my grandmas,
Live in their kitchen, make good food,
Watch shitty movies that they like,
Listen to their regrets,
Just so i don’t fuck up the other lives,
I’ll hold their hands gently and watch them take their last breaths.

In my fourth life I’ll run away,
Like i always dreamed,
I’ll run from myself more,
The person that i can’t change,
Because I’ll never learn how to live,
That i am all the things i fear,
I’ll run through Kyrgyzstan distant fields and try to find myself there,
I’ll look in all the right places, right cities, right people.,
I’ll wander through God’s right lands.

In my fifth life I’ll listen to my parents more,
I’ll work 9-5, I’ll study well and take internships,
I’ll go to modern places and good people,
I’ll have good friends who circle me,
I’ll try to be happy.

For my sixth life I’ll live it alone in an eastern asian countryside,
I’ll write the stories i always wanted to tell,
I’ll let my world live,
I’ll live my dead poets society dreams and college and days,
I’ll walk alot in neighborhoods with flowery cafes,
I’ll read many books and maybe my books will get adapted too.

For my seventh life I’ll be a passionate musician and athlete,
I’ll be a great drummer and violinist,
I’ll go to many cities at nights,
And i might transcend in some sport of the 20 i wanna try,
I’ll try to be a better human,
I’ll try to be a better brother,
better friend,
better son.

For my eighth life I’ll make movies,
I’ll shot and create more, and do so much art that inspire others,
Live a long eased life,
while i wonder if i missed something along all my past lives,
Or somethin i lost,
And wonder what,
I’ll move back to my hometown,
And search for it in markets that don’t exist,
Wait at college doors,
Write letters I’ll never send,
and I’ll adopt a cat and a dog,
In hope they will watch me take my last breaths before my last life.


In my last life I’ll look for you.

My eyes are begging to die,
I listen to them,
While i write inside this cloud,
Of things, busy things,
Don’t know where they part,
Don’t know where they clash,
But my eyes are tired to hear,
Tired to sleep,
I wasn’t fast while fasting,
Hope I’ll be fast while leaving other days,
Because i wanted to accept the man i am,
And not accept I’m not capable of loving,
Only sleeping,
Hating the movies i can’t do,
Replying to people i can’t talk to,
Running in places, no one do, does,
I wish i did,
Instead of taking a youthful bid,
On paper towers that will never come,
And sounds that will never smell the sea again,
But everyone smells the sea,
And walks in campuses under the sun,
While i go to the other side,
I envy they smell the sea,
I envy they live sundays,
The sea is mine,
I stood with it alone,
No one else did,
The streets are mine,
I ran them alone,
I eased their loneliness in the dark,
When you rip mine,
I rip my myself into them,
So you can’t belong there,
They’re mine!

I don’t belong to where i can reach,
I pray with sunlight,
Falling from building blocks,
Down the alley i dashed,
To the ending scenes i tried to catch,
My birthdays of egg dreams,
My sea castles on birthday days,
When i used to wake up,
To a sudden sleep talk.

Golden boy, golden boy,
Leave me,
So i can dream of not flying,
Not the other side, not here too,
So i can dream of me.

Golden boy you joined the sun force,
And I’m wearing glasses already,
Not a fair race to the end of me,
I left the vindications and sun rays in snow,
I don’t want circled worlds of dreams,
Nor stories of kids on islands and lost spaceships,
Inside a vivid breeze you should leave,
Donate me away,
I’m tired or riping you in roads and seas,
Where they go,
While they go,
And away they go,
Golden boy,
Please go.

Woke up to a time not known,
Going to a time set in mind,
The only difference between running and life,
Is that running is when you set time to bleed,
While life is timeless bleeding,
Felt my heart beats slow but heavy in sleep,
Maybe they’re signs that i missed something along the way.

I stepped outside to a dark morning ,
It reminded me of days i can’t remember,
Somethings along the way,
I’m waiting to be graced,
As I’m always,
And lately I’m going to many other cities each week,
Im glad im always seeking to see,
With no reason ,
Sometimes i wonder , then i see leaves, blowing in wind again,
And im fine again..

Before i start i wonder if something is waiting for me at the end of line,
New faces,
New prayers i never prayed for,
Something you come across as in movies,
That makes the plot of the movies,
But the plot for now for me is just one foot infront of other,
Time and time and time again,
Its simple , but hell , nothing special.

The stadium is small, and empty,
Ten years back,
It was big and and full,
You were small,
First laps were sarcasm of easiness,
Only in the tenth the hard pursuit started to show,
I tried slowing down in the 20th laps,
To keep gas to the end,
I’m glad i did,
Nothing special , but i beat the sun again,
I’m slowly drifting,
I wish that something is slowly drifting towards me too,
Sometimes there’s no poetry but simply being peacefully blessed in solitude,
I’m glad that my heart was beating both,
Heavy and slow,
And hard and fast,
For another morning.

Yellow dreams of old notebooks,
Life tried to pass by,
Green leaves of childhood autumn,
Life tried to pass by,
Love of youth passed under brown trees,
Life tried to pass by,
Red questions left of answered calls,
Life tried to pass by,
Orange skies kissed the blue cloud,
Life tried to pass by.

Swims in dawn and runs in dusk,
Still not enough,
All the screams for everyone to just shut,
Still not enough,
Thousand mile journey was sitting on the shore,
Still not enough,
Circles of joy and therapies of pain,
Still not enough,
Acceptance to heal and a hundred seasons rolling,
Still not enough.

December books left on everyone’s shelves,
When will we ever learn,
July came in late winter to give another life,
When will we ever learn,
February birthdays came when there’s no one around,
When will we ever learn,
June started a summer night that never ends,
When will we ever learn,
Lost long awaited hope passed in may like all films flash by,
When will we ever learn.

Meaning left a room to hug the sun on our sleeves,
Gone with the wind,
Life is tired to try to pass by,
Gone with the wind,
What is yours still never came to be yet,
Gone with the wind,
Enough love poured from eyes and food,
Gone with the wind,
The sea was found at the palm of praying hands,
Gone with the wind.

Pomegranate days are gone,
Heaven knows we barely look,
At antics of non interactive relationships,
At souvenirs of broken gifts,
But it looks anyways,
It knows us by ours names,
That we hide from,
That we hate others having,
But we live anyway.

We move on , wait,
Till we arrive to the sea,
Till you see your legs on snow there,
Of a winter to the springtime,
Our legs were held by the waves,
Till oceans kept us apart.

We moved on from systems of wars,
To war of systems that didn’t care,
But we didn’t care for our garden anyway,
Never understood it’s planting,
Only never cared-looked, too,
Beside the other dishes,
In the pomegranate days,
We only cared to ask,
What killed reaching all along:
“Who are we planted with at ?”

Can never move on,
The questions were under the sky,
My life ended at track circles,
They never end,
Last life in the universe,
That never end,
Stuck between two states,
Of the many phases of life and death,
That both end,
Stuck in a state of being,
The empire of no being,
All that I’m left being,
Is remenants of memories,
Left on snow,
They’re the light of my life,
They are left without me on the snow..
No time
In no time
No time

I got a memory of snow,
Deep and breakable,
Of my grandparents and kids on carpets,
Can’t do movies of snow,
Because I’m not chasing dreams,
That i have everyday,
Not writing the dreams,
Because i don’t have everyday.

I used to see numbers,
Now suns are parking mid street,
So the snow is over earth’s ground,
But my grandparents aren’t,
And my friends are at the snow,
Where i can’t do movies,
So they act like i don’t see it,
While standing on a sky that isn’t falling,
We can breath now,
We are what’s falling,
Like domino pieces my friend took,
Before life’s sanity fell,
And laughs hide a surreal mind,
Of our being,
Our lies now.

I can’t smile,
Because I’m smiling all the time,
My marathons are on faculties,
My pimples cooked by the sun,
Where my friends sprinted every time,
But not in a clear night’s sky.

I was left,
With marathons on faculties,
I wasn’t lost from my major,
I was right,
I was lost with my major , alone here
So i keep seeking for a sun ray,
In the snow that i watch,
In the snow that throw at the sun that i fight,
A circle of it,
The sun ray in the snow,
While running in circles of track,
Two circles there,
To find a state of being of one.

In heaven there is no sun,
So tomorrow’s another sun-day,
Waking up our faces to face faces,
And many suns on many ways,
And our many ways of being faceless.

An emperial edict for new rivers is set,
Because face-full worlds,
Requires faithfull hands,
Demanding to be clean,
After what our faces had seen.

The empire of the order of the see,
With bishops of the lost memories,
Following rivers,
Following killers ; the mundane,
Running from death,
Drowning their faces,
To be washed,
To be blurred,
By a scene.

There’s a sun in this world,
That hit us,
Because it’s jealous from the sun that shines from our heart,
There’s no sun in heaven,
Because it shines from our hearts,
Because the real one,
Doesn’t shine from the sky,
Nor the east,
And in hell we’ll miss the coldness of the fake sun,
Of this world hitting us since three,
Our faceless faces,
And in heaven we’ll miss the warmth of it,
Beyond trees , on our hands,
That hit our loved ones faces once,
And once again,
The sun standing behind our portraits,
The sun that never asked to be seen once,
For there’s endless balls of it up there,
Yet she tried to reach us,
Hit us,
Pain us,
But faced faithless faces instead.

I lay my head on a smile,
In heaven there is no sun,
As i go to dream vividly,
Not having to think about anything,
In my dreams there’s a sun.

I killed my brother,
Once i prayed at spring,
I never gave hope for myself,
To ever believe in me,
I pray because I’m agnostic.

I’m sorry my brother,
You were never a victim of fate,
Nor us,
Nor them,
I’m sorry for all the pain you’ve taken,
Just because you’re you,
I’m sorry for praying,
Because i wanna run from you,
I run from you,
I run from you,
I’m sorry she left,
The first time she saw you,
I’m so sorry she left, my heart,
You were real,
I’m sorry they left,
They never liked you,
You were real my dear.

It was the city that needed burning,
And all the other cities too,
Except the ones you saw,
That no one ever could,
We’ll blame it on dead,
We’ll blame it on the sun,
You always woke up every morning,
For a thousand years,
You always woke up and weard your skin on,
And it never showed up,
You were left on track,
Skinless on the track,
And and the world that needs burning,
Kept moving in circles,
I ran in circles too,
With the world,
Without you.

Take my hand,
With you on the ground,
So we can never wait for fate again,
Screw it all,
The dusty kingdoms,
The heavenly calls,
The empires of gold.

What a waste of life,
I kept running into what i never thought of,
And i kept stumbling into absolute beauty,
What a waste of life,
Without your eyes,
Brother,
Let’s leave our eyes,
Our legs hate us,
Take me away brother,
As i took you away all this lifetime,
Tear me away , from this fight,
Because now i know who i am,
I’m the one who tries,
Not do , not not does,
I’m inhumanly who tries.

If i died,
Don’t cry on me,
Cry on the room i left behind,
Who did cry on you my eyes??
How did you fall asleep alone?
And beard waiting for another sun?
Another us?
Alone,
All along.

I’m incapable of being human,
Without u
I’m incapable of being inhuman
Because I’ll never be like u
I’m sorry i choked u
In this bubbly world womb,
Come back and wear my skin
Wear me out
Wear me in
I’ve reached a limit
I can’t run further it
I want break my heartbeats further more
I can’t even fathom it.

I can’t pray today
If its for me
In eternity’s river
I don’t want me
I never swam
He never swam
He just spit at them up the tree
I stood beneath
I’m agnostic because i prayed without my brother.