I know I’m here right now and I’ll always be in the now right here for.. ever ,
And sometimes i feel like I’m up in the sky ,
That it will pass ,
That someday the sun gonna smile back at me,
That someday I’ll find my people,
That someday I’ll live the dreams i dream about and that someday I’ll meet my beloved ones again,
Those who gone and maybe forever,
That someday I’m gonna be rewarded for all the things that i lost even though I’m such a mess,
I messed alot and i shot everything i loved,
And how can i know how to not mess , god ?
I still feel that someday it will all make sense as why they happened,
That I’m gonna say it was worth it and it’s fine ,
That I’m gonna scream and celebrate at the finish line
That I’m gonna say i was right i swear I’m right i swear i knew it all along ,
That maybe , maybe , really the path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell…
But should i always think i should go through hell to get the credit i desperately need to get to myself ?
Like I’m pushing and running and the sun is rising from my heart , again again and again , every single morning
Despite it all ,
Despite the need to heal in a confusing life , in a traumatic one ,
That despite it all i get lost in its visions sometimes and i feel it’s beauty ,
I know I’m far behind and i know I’m not too much and i know I’m too little ,
But how can i try to heal in such a ball and mental and psychological levels of understanding our fundamental fiber of not even self or existence , just manners just literally manners and maybe a little bit care
And i ,
Im just tired trying to justify everything all the fucking time ,
Even my thoughts to myself ,
I’m tired of justifying that it’s all for a greater meaning sometime else while I’m literally in pain ,
I’m tired of justifying that I’m happy for everyone else just because i don’t want to feel that I’m a bad person or friend because nothing is actually happening to me ,
I’m tired of justifying that everytime i feel I don’t belong to literally anywhere that at least i got my inner world ,
I’m tired of justifying not starting my path.
God this is not my rebel letter , this is my cry
for conversion , for belonging .
zaki monzer 