Joyboy

What would you do when you’re no longer human ?
When u can’t feel anymore ,
Not about emotions ,
But about emotional understanding..
I don’t know if it’s maturity or a curse,
But what would you do if all earthly matters literally died in your eyes , all the places and all the stuff , all the events.. all just cliche limitations i don’t quite understand how people take it and take in it and live with it,  i really don’t understand human concepts anymore not even conversations..
U can look at life for a lifetime,
And you can look for couple of times , to realize that this is all just an infinite abyss of people and paths and choices , and how can i know where i stand in it all ?
How can i know where i belong if i don’t even know who i am ?
How can i be with anyone if so ?
I swear i gave my all to everyone I’ve known too , and i don’t think in the length of my life that i deserve all that was given back to me.. and over all of that i still try to understand them and care and give give give , god taught me that.
And still
Everything is gone.
All I’ve lived and loved , all the memories and places and people and movies and memories , all in history’s dark mind.
You know , all those moments will be lost in time like tears in the rain, and i live by it , all these people and stories will be lost , all I’ve lived will be , so now i just can’t feel anything anymore , u can say u should appreciate this moment then , but no the problem is that i appreciate all that is gone and all that is gone is all of existence and it’s endless possibilities and I’m just here trying to play a monopoly for this character that i call me and how can i know god ? How ?
How and all that is left of me now is just a huge hole and I’m barely clinging to life just because of fictional story of people suffering and still going on..
And i know i could never be understood nor all what i feel in existence,  and maybe i feel alot to the point of no return ,
But here what i can just give , i don’t have anything ,i am not anything , i don’t belong anywhere , i know nothing at all and i don’t have any skill , when people tell me how i am or what will i do these days I’m just silent
I’m silent and that is all i can ever be , i run and only run and that is all i can ever do , in fact all i ever thought of when i was a kid is just running  away for no particular reason , like it’s in my blood and soul , i can’t even let all the stories inside me out and it’s bursting inside,  and all i ever wanted was just someone to watch me die while i cry and tell him how beautiful it is to exist and be alive , all i ever wanted is to be found, not by anyone , not by me , but sometimes u bet on a story out of this world , maybe I’ll bet on losing dogs too

Was it written from the start
That our fate was to look for more
That humans will follow the apple
That we always long for a greater cause
And maybe in the end
I’d screw the humans
I’d screw the causes and screw the fates
And I’ll look for me
Ever since i was young where i don’t even remember
I started to craft this book
And even though the road is already set
God knows I’m nowhere to know where to rn
But on and on and on we go
And run and run and bleed and scream we set
For the greater cause
For the ultimate triumph
And it’s not a sin , is it ?
To seek something greater that us
Greater than here
Greater than life itself
Even over waves and waves of nostalgia
And tears of uncertainty
And fears and pain
Even while leaving our old selves behind
Who tells you where it could lead you beside
Even if adrift
Even if afar
Even if against all human nature
To stay under the sun
Inside the house
Outside the cave
I wanna be
He called me and god waited for me
I wanna be
Wherever the path may lead
I wanna be
For god is lighting and god foresee
I wanna be
Greater than life
Greater than me
Like the way jonah set on the sailing ship
And moses sat under the tree
Like ibraham thrown into the blazing flame
While noah flow over the thousands mountains of sea
I wanna be
Born on the star of dreams
Flying inside a dream
I wanna go , god

قَالَ كَلَّا ۖ إِنَّ مَعِيَ رَبِّي سَيَهْدِينِ (62)
فَآمَنَ لَهُ لُوطٌ ۘ وَقَالَ إِنِّي مُهَاجِرٌ إِلَىٰ رَبِّي ۖ إِنَّهُ هُوَ الْعَزِيزُ الْحَكِيمُ (26)
وَقَالَ إِنِّي ذَاهِبٌ إِلَىٰ رَبِّي سَيَهْدِينِ (99)
الَّذِي خَلَقَ فَسَوَّى وَالَّذِي قَدَّرَ فَهَدَى(2- 3‏)
قَالَ رَبُّنَا الَّذِي أَعْطَىٰ كُلَّ شَيْءٍ خَلْقَهُ ثُمَّ هَدَىٰ (50)
الَّذِي خَلَقَنِي فَهُوَ يَهْدِينِ (78)

I used to sit on the edge
I was that kid
Alone
And I’m still here
Standing on the edge
But I’m not him
I’m looking for him
Alone
I can still sense an existential crisis
Of how small
How big
How incomprehensible
And how nothing will be known
How it will all be so so big
Beyond expression
I am still looking for that kid
Standing on the rope of this world
Watching life
Gazing at unseen beauty
And i still can’t express what he saw
And never will
And you know amidst all this unknowing
And that we’re finite
And that this world will all be gone someday
And all the ants and all the flowers and all the times you felt alive while swimming in waters
And all the times you smelled the fridge and counted steps and you cried
And amidst all these people going and going even you going and going
Amidst this big numbers of choices and humans and places and times and memories that can’t be grasped,
I grasped, in love
That’s the only thing left
Only thing i can do
I can see
With all the pain
And suffering
And the things i don’t like
And the hole left behind
And the kid left behind
I can love ,
Only , everly , ever , forever.
All these moments will be lost in time and so am i,
And so will be the feelings reflected on that kid’s eyes..
And all the paintings you’ve loved
And all those who screamed, in joy , in terror ..
And i know its not the end,
It’s the end of the beginning,
And it’s so infinite,
God you’re so infinite and this world is so big and i just can’t but to tear down and break out in love ,
For the sake of this all ,
Truly life should be lived to the point of tears ,
Expect for me, it should be lived to the point of finding that kid,
And except for that it should seen to the point of tears,
I’m slowly drifting to you god , a million ways , while staring, everything is calling me a billion light years away from you , I’m on my way , with that kid , with love , I’m on , I’m on..

Being human might be the hardest thing i ever got to do/be,
Yet still despite all the struggles and pains that comes with it,
Despite having only 3d senses and a limited view to reality and the plane of consciousness and existence you’re in,
Despite being very , very very small, limited, unknown, unknowing,
I love being human.
Even if i don’t wanna share it with other humans,
Even if i don’t want it to be a common thing related between us,
Even if humanity as a sense has failed us and we failed it,
I just will stick this time to the little moments of us drawing on windows and hugging sunshine , of getting up for nothing and no reason for it ever , for being selfless in the face of not being seen , of being selfish for a joy for your little inner self , for screwing again and again and again , for having fun in the most desperate situations or races,
For wanting to fix it , to be better , to be more , to be grand ,
Even if I’m speaking of few ,
Humanity , true humanity , is the few , unheard of , unseen , little underground star dusts of flesh that makes them ,
And i live to be able to see them,
Because everyone else are just walking trains,
And speaking monkeys and watching screens,
With no hearts to return to,
With no inner childs to speak with,
To reconnect with,
With no plug to have to escape the matrix,
Out of their minds and feelings,
Of no will,

أفلا تعقلون.
I love when sometime i belong to people out of all spaces and times , that sometimes do human things,
That try ,
That return back to god’s flow, over and over,
Because he created us that way,
And he wasn’t angry about us when the times got to be human times,
It was short spaces of love for a cumulative loving state of being.

I love when sometimes I’m human , like the few.

There’s only one thing ,
That didn’t only make my days ,
But that made me ,
That made my world ,
That didn’t contribute to my life ,
But made me a whole new life ,
And i know I’m gonna write and film loads about it in the future ,
But for now , I’ll stick to it , even if I’m late ,
There’s only one thing that made me flow above the wind , beyond the people ,
Move as the stars dance by ,
Feel the blood from my toes ,
Feel the pain of avoiding it ,
The thing that i didn’t find , but found me ,
The one that i needed and i wanted , and i craved from a long long time ago ,
The one thing that made me alive this year ,
Running .
Running with the wind , with pain , blood , tears , with aches , with spits ,
Running to nowhere , with no purpose , with no meaning , without anything , while holding everything ,
Without any reason to run but just to run ,
To forget about yourself and thyself ,
To forget about this place ,
To tear your body ,
To be somewhere in this where ,
To be whole in this mess ,
Only one thing made the difference ,
And was it , madly ,
It found me ,
The true me , the one i wouldn’t know without it ,
The one i wouldn’t and will never reach without it ,
Where no matter how long it is , hard , you just crave more miles and more sweating ,
That no matter how much you and the others would cuss it , you put on your shoes the next days and go soar by it ,
I’m z ,
I’m a human , i don’t know where i stand ,
I don’t know where i belong , i know it’s not here , and i don’t know if it is my thing , but i like drinking tea , i like pomegranate , i like standing by the shore , i like writing sometimes and sometimes lately I’ve been getting to this new thing , that made another me i don’t know , but I’m glad he existed ,
I run.

I’m trying to answer just one question , not what’s one’s worth , but how would you see one’s worth ?
In our rotten time mean world one’s worth is viewed as fame , while it’s basically clear that this is all bullshit and nonsense all what all these people are doing ,
And i know each one has a world on their own ,
And i know few show it ,
But on this stage where its all people doing stuff , winning stuff , the stupid “succeeding” , going placing , viewing stuff , all kinds of stuff and then sharing it , its easy to see a hundred thousand of ways someone might be living a worthwhile arc in his life , but is it ?
And I’m not trying to guess who is happy and who isn’t and whatever , I’m digging in the “worth” , the inside stories , the untold lands , the people who might not need billions to know them , yet they live sth that is more worthy than it all , with only them ,
Moreover I’ve always thought that , knowing certain kind of people , living with only them sth , for a brief time and a cozy space , while their memories will only pass the winds of age , is just enough , because , after a thousand year , who’s gonna care ? Remember ? See all your glories ? Who’s gonna care who came first in the race or second ? Who’s gonna care who won the world cup this year and who played in the streets ? Who’s gonna care who painted sth views by millions and who painted something in his own room for himself ?
Where were you when god created the cosmos ?
Where will you be when it ends ?
No one ,
All those moments will be lost in time ,
i might tell you ok , go make it worthy , enjoy it , because its all that matters , but , a huge but ,
There’s two other stuff ,
One that your own world is worthy ,
You see you might go on a walk and imagine greatly dreams and people and sky diving fantasies ,
You lived you mattered ,
You might live and write and paint and view a world of your own with your people, it will only matter and you will matter to them , and they mught be even right close ones too!
What if u lived a story for a thousand year ? Imagine the seas and mountains , the faces you loved, the rainy winds you touched , the mornings you ran….

, it might be worthy than all the other stuff , the no meaning , the no direction , most humans are getting at , the second thing is : god , god sees , god knows the worth of whatever you go through if it has sth to do with you , if it touches your heart , if it makes u alive , he told us he created us to worship him , not in the way of prayer but in the way of graciousness and living an own thing , for him , life has no meaning , but for him , if you ran(metaphor for anythinh you’d do) , without anything , just happily , for him , that’s تسبيح , if you learn , dive , feel , for a cause to him , with knowing u won’t last , nothing and no one will , but him , the carrier and barrier , then it’s worthy right ? He’s not an egoistic god that wants everything for him , he’s beyond ego that wants your soul to know thyself , to be the song in the fire , the man between the sea , the man beneath the darkest sea , the man in the cave , the man in the well , the man at the shore building a ship , the man under the tree , having nowhere to flee , the one who sees the sun over the edge of the horizon , when the prophet had a year without any message god reminded him first of two things of why he wasn’t alone , why blessings flew , the forenoon , and the peacefull night , that he didn’t forsaken him not he was displeased , and that he’llget you there , just do good , speak good , flow with gracious, to be present , to be here , to be for god , is to be worthy , even for two thousand years , alone , without people , without medals , without the so called victories and empty happiness(es) , you matter kid , you’ll be fine

It saddens me that i wanna read a thousand books ,
Watch a thousand shows ,
Know and be with a thousand people ,
Live a thousand thing , tens of sports , of arts , of stuff to do ,
Thousand of places to visit and to live a thousand story at ,
To live all the possible ways to feel the beauty and tragedy of our existence ,
A thousand ways to be ,
And yet I’m here ,
Seeing them all while being nothing ,
And it occurs to me that this life ain’t mine but somebody else has drew this path for me ,
And no matter what i do I’ll always drift with it ,
I can never drift apart to all these worlds i just can watch them pass by ,
And i wanna swim ,
I’ve watched the sea my entire life ,
Many stories by the sea , above it ,
Many wonders below it ,
And yet I’m there at the shore , standing by ,
No matter how many times and years that pass by ,
I’m always standing , alone , watching ,
And it will always pass ,
I know I’ll be here for some time and that even if i won’t make any difference in the shades of blue of the sea ,
The static of blue of it ,
I will be glad that my image for sometime will be reflected on it’s surface , that i saw it ,
That i loved it ,
I loved many things ,
Many worlds and many people ,
And as they will always pass ,
And I’ll always pass ,
The sea will stay , forever ,
The sea stays ,
The sea remembers ,
I’ll hold it in my heart that will no longer exist in some time ,
But my love for it , for everything , for everyone , will always stay ,
Maybe i catch a glimpse sometimes of where i belong ,
To the shore ,
Of the passing sea , into eternity..

It’s been long since I’m dreaming about people I’ve never seen before with traits I’m longing to find in this world ,
Each one of them with a story and a world , each one in a higher state , each one of them I’ve hugged and i felt like I’ve known them for a thousand years ,
And i wake up longing for any one of them ,
I still , to this day , despite everything , despite the darkness in my soul and the darkness of my existence , i still find hope I’ll meet them , all of them , in this lifetime , someday somehow , in a grand marveling story beyond ourselves , out of here
I still never gave up on my kingdom of dirt , hehe
Of skinny weird sarcastic people ,
And i hope that in that higher plane in our sleep ,
We made a vow to meet again ,
To find each other in order to be found ,
To not be lost alone ,
To be lost together in this uncertain dash of the universe ,
And whenever i go to dream there again ,
I’ll tell them to see me ,
So they can know where to meet me ,
In their teary nights and windy runs ,
In a place in a box in a bubbly world ,
In a bubbly world trapped in one persona’s mind ,
And god if you can open a doorway for us , then please do ,
Because a path walked alone is fine ,
But a path walked with your people is heaven on earth , leading to heaven to you ,
I’ll bet god , I’ll bet in it in a billion of possibilities , with love and imagination , z.

I know I’m here right now and I’ll always be in the now right here for.. ever ,
And sometimes i feel like I’m up in the sky ,
That it will pass ,
That someday the sun gonna smile back at me,
That someday I’ll find my people,
That someday I’ll live the dreams i dream about and that someday I’ll meet my beloved ones again,
Those who gone and maybe forever,
That someday I’m gonna be rewarded for all the things that i lost even though I’m such a mess,
I messed alot and i shot everything i loved,
And how can i know how to not mess , god ?
I still feel that someday it will all make sense as why they happened,
That I’m gonna say it was worth it and it’s fine ,
That I’m gonna scream and celebrate at the finish line
That I’m gonna say i was right i swear I’m right i swear i knew it all along ,
That maybe , maybe , really the path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell…
But should i always think i should go through hell to get the credit i desperately need to get to myself ?
Like I’m pushing and running and the sun is rising from my heart , again again and again , every single morning
Despite it all ,
Despite the need to heal in a confusing life , in a traumatic one ,
That despite it all i get lost in its visions sometimes and i feel it’s beauty ,
I know I’m far behind and i know I’m not too much and i know I’m too little ,
But how can i try to heal in such a ball and mental and psychological levels of understanding our fundamental fiber of not even self or existence , just manners just literally manners and maybe a little bit care
And i ,
Im just tired trying to justify everything all the fucking time ,
Even my thoughts to myself ,
I’m tired of justifying that it’s all for a greater meaning sometime else while I’m literally in pain ,
I’m tired of justifying that I’m happy for everyone else just because i don’t want to feel that I’m a bad person or friend because nothing is actually happening to me ,
I’m tired of justifying that everytime i feel I don’t belong to literally anywhere that at least i got my inner world ,
I’m tired of justifying not starting my path.

God this is not my rebel letter , this is my cry
for conversion , for belonging .

The wind is strong outside
And maybe outside is just a world brought back by the wind
Because it’s only one touch and i feel things
That can’t be put into a human’s heart
I try to remember it but i fail
I fail to notice when was the last time I’ve sensed such wind
You see , again , i forget
Like the wind tattoo i have on my arm that i forgot i had too
Like everything i passed through
Like the people
Like me
Like the people who were me
And that I’m just a screen
Seeing checking , loving then forgetting
I even forgot about the sea
And all what went down on the sea
Maybe life is just a sea-full sea
And if i passed through it
Then forgot about it , and about me
What was there ?
Who was there ?
Who passed through this wind
And what is the wind carrying about that person rn ?
Does it know that he forgot about her ?
And what did she made him feel ?
Like love not alike all love
Like heaven washing throw all earth’s scum
Like the sky coming alive through your arms
If we’re bottomless my dear young self just like the wind
Then why don’t you flow too like it
Why do you give up to your mind and heart desires
Why do you become human once again , with a name
To suffer and to defend it , all in the name of it’s fake happiness ,
Remember the wind my friend ,
Remember my friend the wind .