Categories
Spring Yellow

Some saturday sunsets

Sometomes on Saturdays i get out to sit in the field beside the neighborhood,
There’s all sort of things,
Mostly parties if there’s a birthday or event ,
Either than thay it’s kids playing ball,
I don’t participate, but i name each of the old pals instead of the kids playing ,
And i wander through the old days ,
The people here are very kind and they give much care to someone old like me ,
I tell them stories at nights and the call me insane , mostly kids , while at morning they’re just busy playing and getting their cup from the sun .
Pretty funny for someone who was once pointed at as the last sane human..
But one day little gel was injured so he get off and sat beside me.
-“playing on sand is fun but rough right grandpa? ” he asked
“If u don’t know how to use if ” i replied
-“How’s so ? For what ?”
“u should flow through it , not just jumping and running over it , feel yourself as if you’re the sand… ahh i guess you’re still a kid.. maybe you won’t get it”
-“It just hurts ” , he said “the sand is hot too “
“One time we swam under sand”
-“under sea ?”
” No no under sand besides the see ” a warm smile was surrounding my face
-He asked ” And How’s that possible ? Plus u can just go under water “
” well dear , in our days water was just like fire now , it would burn you if you even touch it , and the seas where we swam where either of lava or sand , but here st the coast it wall just water , well that is until great girl joy came..”
-“Joyyy ? Lavvaaa ? ” he asked while making a disgusted face
“Joy waa a redhead , Forget it” i continued “playing is good when u can’t understand the world”
He sat there silent for a while , then he asked me curiously:
-“and how were you able to breath under sand ?”
“If i told you you won’t believe me”
-“well you’re no mind man(he means insane) i think , i don’t believe you , but I’m trying to imagine..” he said with a pure voice.
“Well im no mind but yesterday i was mind , today you are mind but if i snuck you into my childhood there won’t be anyone who’ll be friends with you , because you’ll be no mind too there”
He said then : ” maybe someday I’ll get it” and i laughed my eyes out.

Sometimes good witch anne was getting us oxygen under sand , other times star , or it depends , that so until the sand man came by” .

-“what is he or them ?”

“Maybe he was a fraction from my mind , but they , my friends , told me otherwise , his name was rolly , but a reptile man ended him”

-“another reason why you’re no mind is that you’ve been living alone for so long , you have no friends”

“i do some people come flying for me at times”

-“i hear such stories , but i don’t believe them”

“then u have mind that u turn off mind , anw go play i guess your wound is healed , sand man rolly told me so , but remember son , no one who has good friends is alone ” He looked surprised, his wound was healed in the instance without him noticing while talking , he went on and played , and i gazed from a distant at all the people and the kids , the next time he was about to score the goal he looked my way and stood in chock , he lost the ball and they were shouting at him but he only stood with his mouth opened , maybe because he saw a redhead woman with a hat beside me , he pointed at her and she shouted at him to play… i laughed my eyes out

Categories
Summer Yellow

Little infinities

I know i don’t always get a not-lonely night
And i know i dont even get a day free from my mental terrors
But sometimes i get a moment that will make me go like :
Oh look you’re at a wholesome small infinity and it doesn’t matter what will happen the next second because you’re at a pure meaningful loving memory.
When you fall asleep unintentionally and wake up to your grandmas voice just realizing and saying ” yaaburne ” ,
When your sisten kisses you on the back at a night ride ,
When your identical baby cousins switch names and each answer you with the others name and you dont know who is who,
When your baby cousin tells you to come so he’ll just wanna kiss you ,
When you see two young women playing and building with the rocks on the sideway of a park because maybe they never got too ,
When you’ve been at the worst and not feeling if youre even good at anything anymore even being good but you help that human sitting on the street on a cold night ,
When you see a pure young boy saying to a dead religious figure on his graveyard ” goodnight sayed , ill see you tomorrow “
When a girl keeps watching you from a distance but youre even afraid to look to make her feel shy , knowing that youll never see her again ,
When you see your reflection on the glasses on an empty mall and just.. dance ,
When you reward two unknown working women after a long lonely day because you dont know what to do in life and they just thank you happily,
When someone tells you not to die because he’s not prepared yet for it ,
When you hear that you’re a geniune huggable person ,
When your brother rushes to put money in sadaka because you told him you dreamed of him going to hajj ,
When your ex best friend waves from you from far far far away in the crowd…
Maybe i should stick to these little infinities,
Maybe they only matter now

Categories
Autumn Yellow

God loves joy

In times where the world was swinging between calmness and chaos ,
When you don’t know if you still have time to stand or to sit again ,
Or who to get or who to trust
Or what the strings of fate might be deciding..
I was told by prophecy to go to the pond , there lies a great warrior , the mightiest of all.. and all across my journey was all creatures and children of mud .
They were all fragile, small , tiny , silly , loud , dumb , and they were all running and jumping and preparing for the knockout stages , i mean there’s no way even they’ll find a team to get qualified.
I watched them for days yet still i didn’t figure out what was making them joyful that much..they’re going straight to there their deaths!
I came across a little redhead girl who was dumping her entire head under the waters of a river , she stayed for an hour or so , and a group of kids where watching her and counting ber time.
-“are you thinking of ways to exit this life?” I asked ,”you know one can’t drain himself all by himself if he’s trying to cut the oxygen from his head”
Her hands went up and she just gave me a sign that i don’t think had any meaning , then she pulled herself up , i thought she’s gonna pant or breath fastly but she was just talking deep cool normals breaths.. ” the river was talking to me” she responded ” it’s preparing me to the grand battle”.
-“And why does the river wants to talk to you even, or how will you even pass the qualifiers in the first place , you know there are warlords , watchers , warriors and mad men of every known or unkown species gonna be fighting to the end of times there right ? Not just dead kids brawling”
I turned my back and started walking away.
-“i was open to the possibility that it wants to talk to me , and I’m open to the possibility that I’m gonna win , one isn’t limited to one way of being great , to find himself in something far beyond and greater than himself, even something he can’t even comprehend “
-“and if so why should it have to happen?” I responded sarcastically.
-“Because God Loves Joy”
She stood on a rock, raised her hands up , smiled , and pushed herself backwards and splashed in the waters…

Categories
Fall Yellow

When will i ever learn

God if you can just show me
Where in it do i belong
And i know it’s up to me
But there’s alot of poeple
And alot of times
And alot of places
And alot of stories
And i get that i passed through alot
And wasn’t alone
I know i should’ve probably learned how to live by now
But where
And if it’s gonna be shown
Then when
When will i ever learn..
I can’t speak rn
And i don’t think there’s a way back
To give interest to anything
At all
All that is
I understand it all
But I’m not good at it all
I’m just a mirror
What does a mirror do in a mirror less world ?

Categories
Summer Yellow

Dream of babel

I dreamed i was going up building floors , each floor darker than the other and when i reached the rooftop it was utter complete darkness , but i was happy like I’ve reach it all I’m united with the stars that were brighter than ever , then a series of horror events happened and it was terror really , and when they ended the entire scene just turned into a heaven like one with creatures and all .
Anyway i don’t think it’s a coincidence but i truly believe that subconsciousness surpasses the barrier of our time and space and that it gives us messages to follow , i woke up to watch a video i intended to about samadhi and they talked about Babel and it meaning the tower to reaching god or the absolute and how it was a metaphor of going stages up and up with losing one self to reach the absolute unkown , with one having to take a leap into the abyss and surrender to it too.
So it was the exact call back to the dream with many links of all the events that happened in it to things that were occuring in my reality , and that the path of heaven really runs through miles of clouded hell and for passing that gateless gate that no one can pass , you should become no one .
I saw a story about someone who dreamed that he fell into a river and was afraid of it so he woke up completely terrified , just to go and jump into that exact same river irl and have his entire life changing and going into a great adventure and story from there from that step.

Categories
Spring Yellow

We are alive

I dreamed about a thousand way to be dead
I went through a thousand way to be dead…
But non of them happened
I dreamed about a thousand way to be alive
I went through a thousand way to be alive…
But non of them happened
I happened
And went through

I might not be good at anything at all,
But i am good,
And I’m seeing everything.
I might not be going places,
But I’m going worlds.
I might not be seen,
But i see everyone.
I’m proud of myself here,
I hope you realize when you see this person in the pic that it’s you more than it’s me.
We are alive.

Categories
Autumn Yellow

Taking one

“Sometimes there’s so much beauty in the world I feel like I can’t take it, like my heart’s going to cave in”
You know at most
This qoute comes to my mind whenever i love
Whenever im loved
Whenever i pass by someone i love
And the truth is there’s alot
And i lived with alot
But in the end i just drive by at night and hear “memoir”
And i think how i can’t take it
All these lives unlived
And people loved
And thoughts i only carry
Of many who’re gonna be just a passing wind after decades
Loved but not remembered
So i keep telling myself that all it matter is now and that is the purpose
But sometimes u feel like my purpose is to live through others , inside others , to carry them and not be carried
To fill myself as a puzzle that holds everyone
Do you know whom ?
The entire universe
I couldnt take it
But no one said i should take it
So i’m not taking it
And i’m taking one

Categories
Winter Yellow

Reaching back that hope

Dear nagara ,
I came back alive with mizuho and others
I found the light nozomi once saw and i saw her too ,i found her and i really didnt think itll be anytime soon
I felt like the revelation of her still existing is far away in a far awaited future
After many space battles
And life changing moments
And car screaming rides
And splitting nations
And conquering worlds
Yet i was only washing dishes
And collecting blankets to hide at
And drinking tea for living
And still wanting to get out
I didnt scream yet
Im still questioning if it exists
Im not that hero yet and im not seeing a way for the journey to start
I didnt reach a higher consciousness not did i transcend
I didnt find a way
And you know what
She came busing in crashing in into my life
Im not where i want to be but i met her in a place while im learning so at
And im learning to follow
Whatever worlds cave inside
And waves breath inside
No one ever said where or how or when should i meet her
Im still feeling devastated to go there
But for now its fine for us to be here
And it feels good , in fact it feels flying upward water falls
We’ll go there , someday
For the first time ever i have a hope in someday

Categories
Spring Yellow

Swift feeling

All of us might be struggling nowadays, stressed out , battling fear , searching for sth, a goal, place , whatever brings one happiness, even just not being into anything at all , or going through hardships , so whoever you meet in your day , try to be good and kind with him , speak from the heart , your family , close ones , or even a stranger , cause we all need this and you don’t know what the other person might be going through , a small act of kindness and a true act of selflessness always sparks another ,it will turn back to you , and before all be nice to yourself and love it , treat and speak to yourself softly , life is a dream that is (worth) not being serious , mad at , or stressed for

-the art pic is about kyrgyzstan’s culture , it fits with beethoven 6th symphony pastoral 💜
*ps: I’m not trying to be nice or anything , you might see me as a toxic or a good person it’s your perspective in the end , see you again have a wonderful time ❤❤

Categories
Summer Yellow

Enter the hero

“Enter the hero, enter the hero, enter the hero”
Those werent just words or mutterings
It was a way of flying
It was a secret door to a greater hallway inside the self
One time one of my brothers asked me if just wearing a red cape made me a hero , huhh , hell yeah , i could fly , and they couldnt even after i showed them how
I guess it comes to one’s own core after all , and we go on trying to reach sth , trying to be sth we’re not and go distract away from this core until we are nothing so we call it back again
Its not what we choose to wear or put or call on ourselves , its if we were ever worthy enough to claim it on or for ourselves
A sos for the self
A sos to save it all

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