Category: Winter

تستفيق من غفوتك على كلمة “تسلملي”
والتي تعني اكثر من الحياة باكملها
الحياة التي هي مجرد غفوة

عندما رحلت جدتي لم اشعر إنها توفت
لقد رأيتها وهي تغادر روحها جسدها
وعندما حدقت بجثتها لساعات
وعندما انزلتها الى القبر
انا متقبل انها ماتت
ولكنني لا اشعر بذلك

عندما علمنا انها فارقت الحياة
بدأنا بمكالمة العائلة
كالمت امي لأقول لها
وبعدما بكت اردت القول ان لا تقل لجدتي لانها لا يمكنها تحمل اخباراً كهذه..
نسيت انها هي من توفى

ولا اعلم إن يجب علي الحزن انها ذهبت
او إنني لا أشعر بذلك
أو إني الأن يجب علي قضاء دهرٍ بأكمله بدونها
تكون الحياة غفوة الا بدونها

ان من بترت اطرافهم يعانون بشعور وهمي بها
يطلق عليه الطرف الشبح
اي عند الجراحون..
وعندما ذهبت هي
بترت مني حياتي
وفقط اشعر بها
ليبدأ شتاء لا ينتهي

لا تعلم كيف سوف تقضي صباحاتك
او مع من تشارك قصص القران والانبياء
او التحدث عن الله والجنة معه
او أكل السكر نبات والشاي

جدتي لم تكن تقرأ ولا تكتب
ولم تكن تعرف أن النجوم شموس
ولا عن حجم الكون
ولا عن أن كل شي يتكون من ذرات
ولم تكن تعلم أن الخليج لم يعد قن دجاج
ولا عن الاحتباس الحراري ولا عن المشاهير ولا عن المسلسلات والافلام ووو
ولم تكن تعلم من برشلونة ومن من
ولا اذا كانت الملاعب هنا او في الخارج
ولم تكن تعرف معنى جميع الكلمات الأجنبية التي كنت اقولها وكانت ترددها دائما ( هاو ار يو ، لوف يو سوسو ، اوهايو )
ولكنها لم تكن تعلم ايضا انها تملك اكبر قلب على الكوكب
وان جميع ابتساماتها على مر العمر كانت جميعها هي ذاتها
وكانت عندما تعلم بمشكلة شخص مارٍ تحمل همه
او همنا
ولم تكن تعلم عيد ميلادها حتى
ولكن كانت تحتفل بعيدك انت كأنها ولدت من جديد
او تخاف عند قولنا اننا سنسافر ونتركها
كانت تعلم الدعاء والاخرة،
من الآمن ان اقول اكثر من جميع البشر الذين عرفتهم..
وكانت تتذكر ان تقول “الله يرضى عليك” ثلاثين مرة في النهار
او عزمك ثلاثين مرة على وجبة او طعام كل صباح ، عصر ، مساء

كان بودي ان اقبلها
ان اقول لها ان الحياة لا تسوى عفطة عنز بدونها
او اعمل دراما
ولكني متعب من كل هذا
تعبت من كل الامور البشرية
والعلاقات البشرية
وحتى من تفكيري

دفنتها ، قبلت قدميها ، وقلت اراكِ في الجنة
انشالله
من سنة ارسلت الي صورة قدميها بالخطأ
لانها لا تعلم
ما هو البرنامج ومن هو الشخص وكيف
نرسل صوراً
عسى ان تعلم ان الجنة تحتهم
عسى ان لا اعيش دهرا طويلا مثلها ، بدونها
عسى ان افيق على يديها فوق رأسي وعلى كلمة “تسلملي”
من هذا الحلم…

الفاتحة لروح اموات المسلمين جميعا

I’m glad I’m in a place in my life when someone asks me what do you do , and i respond ” i run “.
Like im having the urge to explode all of it out,
And this urge came from when i was even a kid ,
I ran away in school
I ran away from classes
I ran away from the neighborhood and wandered through streets
I ran away from the hospital on my brother’s birth and get lost on the streets

I ran away when we were on a family trip on the snow and i just wanted to go far , far away into the white abyss…
I was a kid , i didn’t have any objective , i just wanted so…

I always as a kid used to imagine and think of plans and strategies of breaking out of home and running away , and i was really little i had noooo goal of it i was just planning and saying tomorrow I’ll do this , next week I’ll do this , I’ll just go , I’ll just begone and im just a lost kid who’s family is grieving about…

I grew up and i still wanted to break out
From my family
My social life
My country
From this world
From it all
Because you see
I lived a million lives through it all in my head
But i never lived a single life through it all
Because i don’t belong to any of it all
Im in the normal base life
I don’t belong to any space here
Sometimes my heart aches because i can’t explain how i view things , god , or life
And that im alone just watching everything from a distance …
And sometimes my heart lifts and just screams of joy,

Maybe that i belong to that unkown,
Maybe i wanna run to the time i wasn’t even born,
To that void,
To that unknown,
Now i try to run to it through my mind in the media i like,
The worlds i dive into,
And through my legs in the tears i sob , not sweat, the tears .
And maybe I’m running towards that kid on the snow..
And i wake up every morning to the same alarm “and i was running far away , would i run off the world someday ?”
Someday, somehow, somewhere , far far deep away..

There’s just life
Not a monkey life
Not a noodles life
Not losing someone , or grieving on yourself , or patting on a rabbit
There’s no college life
Maybe even everyone you can count didn’t make a significance.
There was life , but it’s dead
And there is life , but it’s not here
There will be life , but it will be gone .
We might make life tonight ,
And if we didn’t ,
We will make life.
You can eat grapes,
Or become a country runner,
Or play a musical,
You can swim,
You can sit under the window,
You can smell the trash,
You can be a dancer,
You can be a dancer under the rain,
You can be a dancer under the rain screaming,
You can be a screamer,
You can scream silently,
You can scream loudly,
You can scream loudly yet no one will listen,
You can talk without talking and you can love without loving,
You can be you when you’ll never be you,
You can’t ever be you,
But you’re living but you’re not here,
There’s no space for you,
Not even for anyone else,
There’s just life,
You can live a thousand lives,
You can be a thousand people,
You can pass a thousand stories or places ,
But they’re not life,
Because life is there,
And they’re not there,
We are,
And through our eyes we look , and dream , and think of life ,
And it always end up….
Not there,
We weren’t even there ,
We don’t want to even know ,
We want to hold the umbrella downwards ,
Not to block the rain ,
To block the world from raining at us ,
And all that we feel of what it want us to go through life,
We’re not there ,
And its not there,
There’s no goal or a place to reach,
Or a happy colored ending waiting head,
There’s no other chapters in life , or new ones,
There’s nothing waiting for you ,
Not even time waits for anyone,
There weren’t older chapters in life
It’s not a book nor a story,
Nor you’re in any,
Nor you are there ,
Nor you’re entering any new form or story
Nor you ever did
Maybe the monkey did
Maybe the noodles did
Maybe patting the rabbit did
But were there any ?
There’s nothing to ask for ,
There’s nothing to be ,
There’s just life

If i can really just go back in time
I’d forget about legends
I’d forget about changing history
Or going to great eras that i wished to be at
I’d run to my younger kid self
Standing at the side corner of the highway looking at the tiny blocks in the ground
I’d run and hug him and cry like fuck
I’d tell him he’s my hero and how much I’m grateful for having him
And that at the end of the day he’s the only one with me
He’ll know shit
He’d probably start asking some ass question
And He’ll know no idea of anything
And what i went through
Although
He would absolutely believe me
Because he believe in weird-out of the world-fast cuts-bizzare shit
He always thought that this life is just a long-lasting drama play made for him like the trueman show
And at the end everyone’s gonna go up and clap for him
I wanna tell him that there’s no one
There’s really no one
Not even him
All that ever existed is the blocks he looked at at the side of the road
The birds that flew in the playground while everyone’s looking at him
The carpet in the bedroom
And outside of these are just a man jumping in madmen’s own suffering
For trying to give things meaning
He’s my hero because he didn’t do anything
He didn’t try anything
He just enjoyed the world he didn’t know about
He just wanted friends to play with
He just wanted for atleast someone to stand up and clap
And tell him it’s a play
And how much he’ll just suffer just to reach that play again
You were right
You were the infinite and beyond
You were that sky i always wanted to fly at
And it was only you
Fuck everything that’s left in the world after you

Proud
Fuck anything