Category: white

Passing

It will pass
Even if you feel you’re not these
Even if the sturggle will carry on to the sun
Even if you feel that time is stuck in a long vivid dream
Even if you feel the uncertainty of dying
Even if you feel that you’ve seen it all
Watched all
Heard all
And all left now is standing on the abyss of an unknown infinite future
Feeling it will end the next second
It will pass

No matter if you struggled for three thousand years
Or lost everyone you love
Or even loved , passed through , lived
All that it could pass
And passed through unlived lives
It will pass

With the feelings stuck in this place
With the here and now we didn’t get
And the things you wished you’d get but didn’t
With these circles of round buildings surrounding your sense of time
You will pass

Whenever you understand that its not meant
Not written
Not deserved
For you
And you run
Without thinking you’ll pass it
It will before you know it
Just run
It will with you
Like all the dreams you carry with you everyday from your sleep
And that it might eventually pass some day and be one

Spring white

Chess and life

We might think of the way to live
To go
To decide
And sometimes we submit
We tend to run from both
But we engage completely
In the flow of possibilities
Where life got infinite more
On a larger scale
But chess
Chess is a game
And a game is not life
But it is in life
Where we might be down
In the paths of defeats
In our daily lives
But we escape to games
If we played , if we didn’t
It doesnt matter
If we win or lose
We run and escape
We become the board
Because we don’t want to think of life
Of the more infinite possibilities in it
But maybe in games
We can sense that small victory
Maybe in them
Whether we participated or we were just watching
We can have sth that culd define us
Way beyind our daily lives
Maybe that’s why we play games
And why we should play life
There’s no play
But we play
And we got immersed
We can’t get addicted to life
But we can get addicted to chess
And as the pieces move
Fall and rise
Kill and be killed
They participate of a very greater thing
Way beyond their understanding
And possibilities
Way beyond even the minds moving them
Chess is just life minimized
And life is just chess not glorified
And we can loose i both
And we can scream i both
And we can be im them
Here
But we can never know to where
Or who
Or us
Life is a game
But winning and loosing aren’t fast
Aren’t determined
Aren’t immediate and aren’t free
So we invented games to minimize life
To give psychological and mental and physical rewards more sufficiently
Easily
And faster than life
More time on them
More rewards
More addiction
More mind games

In life we dont know where we stand
We stand at a sea
At infinity
But in chess we stand in our minds
Standing on white and black blocks
And i think its a human condition to take the road-less traveled

Summer white

The year of the rabbit

It’s the year of the rabbit,
I’ve been through a really existential roller-coaster,
And the only certain thing i know in this sea of years,
In this sea of uncertainties,
Is that I’m a rabbit.
I went through that hole without getting back
And some went down searching for me without getting back ,
And i went down wanting to know me and i didnt know where ,
I was learning japanese the other day and a single word irritated me , “where” .
Maybe what brings me back ain’t a place that i belong to , but “where” is it ,
Where is them , and where is i in the first place,
Here goes another theory , go on on a rabbit hole in search/pursuit of wonder , but but but what if , you go there , because you’re running from your self and all its bad acts or character ?
And what if the rabbit hole , and these dimensional worlds going from a narrow hole into a wide landscape, were real , but you weren’t,
What if you , yourself , is the tiny self hallucinations of these worlds…
And what if you didn’t go inside that world out of reality , but rather that that world went on outside you inside of reality , and reality went on outside you inside of that world…

Was it that you went in , because the world demanded it for you to exist in a certain time in a certain space and go in , and if so why demanded , whats your worth when u can’t find yourself , and you want to discover it , jumping in the hole of it , but you’re afraid of jumping in the hole in your self.
What is called the rabbit hole because the rabbit got in the hole , or that the hole gets you to the rabbit ?
Did the rabbit get in the hole or was the hole the entire rabbit’s world ? The entire rabbit’s self ?

We rabbits are happy rabbits
With fear , doubt , hate , shame , sadness , madness , emptiness ..
We rabbits are absolutely happy , glad , thanking rabits.

Spring white

I forget…

I know i don’t really think of any meaning of time
But im writing this
Maybe to myself , maybe.
It may be a fast year , but i reached rock bottom.
It may be that i didn’t do work like strive for anything, but i did alot , alot of progress and daily stuff..

Maybe now i dont remember any,
And maybe in many times i forget what happens,
The tragedy of my life that i only remember my intrusive thoughts,
I even forget myself or what i did or my world
I forget , i dont always remember , sorry god , and sorry myself,
But to try to recoil them i guess ill be a bit proud ,
I finished the quraan for the 4th time this year , 3 times this year,
I made some beautiful videos,
I made some paintings ,
I wrote here some stuff,
I did alot of good deads for many and for my friends and family daily,
I ran 5k and more for many many many days,
I watched and read alot,
I came closer(hopefully) to god,
I attended many rituals and studies,

I met beautiful people,
I left beautiful people,
And im saying alot,
Alot of which this might never get,
But i was never mad or sorry about anyone,
I was sorry about myself,
To be left .

I cleared my heart alot,
Started night prayers,
I finished my uni courses,
I played allooottttt of chess,
I made some sketches ,
I swam at sea,
I traveled for the first time,
I read maybe the most of books in a year in my life even if not alot,
I organized many things,
I learned many many stuff,
I wrote some stories on paper,
I was joyful sometimes and tried to lighten my heart to the world and to flow,
And took some good shots of memories , even if with myself only,
And i tried…
I tried.

Autumn white

For God

I always say i don’t know if i do
That i carry my heaven with me
Because as you see
Carrying heaven is sth i always have doubts about
But carrying hell is sth I’m certain of for sure.
I’m feeling distant not in space,
Nor in personal feelings,nor people,
But im feeling distant as of this world as a whole.
I don’t think that , with all the connections to it,
That i still have interest of it,
And not reclaiming any spiritual path,
But reclaiming a lost in a clear path.

I understand it all
I don’t feel it all
I dont think any of it all is standing beside me
Or having interest in me
And so goes here
I’m not even sad
I’m just calm
I’m just praying for patience and that I’ll always sip my hot cup of tea
When people ask me how are you I’ll just ignore the question
Because i dont understand it
Or that i understand it that its just a human concept
And i can’t accept it
I dont believe it
I dont want to fit my self and my mind that is truggling all the time to leave man-made concept to act upon it
And i have no obligation whatsoever to accept any of it
Even if i have to die
You see
I might live in hell here
With fear here
But I’m the most human being that is devoted to face his shadows
That is surrendering completely for a sake of a long distant unkown unseen place and self far beyond himself
Far beyond this human understanding
And fitting
And seeing
And trying to be
You know when i struggle i dont nag or get upset
Maybe that’s just who i am
If i was build upon fear
If my mind isnt just rotating in a single direction
If im always fighting for unseen things
Maybe that’s why i should always believe that heaven is still with me
Will always be
Alone
And that’s why I’ll reach it
Alone
Without explaining it
Without sharing it
Without letting anyone understand it
Because
I’m the most fearful person on the planet
And also the most fearless one
And i know i can’t let anyone come with me because no one can or try.
And i know no one is ready to throw all his life and relations and personal pursuings and paths and this whole goddamn world like me .

Taking the path to heaven through miles of clouded hell
With you and god only,
This is all for you god , only.

Fall white

Everyone that i love is dead

Post author By Zaki Monzer
Post date February 21, 2023
No Comments on Everyone that i love is dead

We used to play virtual yugioh when we were 7 years old
The writer of the series died this year , he drowned after saving a girl
My old friend that i used to play with left social media
The people i used to watch with in my neighborhood now i only know there names .
And my other friend told me today his story , of how the girl he loved died , and how he can’t move on anymore.
I dont know what to do if something like that happened , i can’t handle someone i love dying, even young .
But then i remember everyone i loved died , they went away , so what does it matter , we mught probably never talk or see each other again , I’ll cry now and I’ll cry when they leave this world , so they’re dead , they passed through time and space already .
And some people left stories behind,
Kentaru muira did , so is he dead ? He changed my life
He taught me how to struggle even when i dont know how
Even if i dont know how to move on , to find a place , someone , something that’s worth living/dying for , he taught how to just keep moving forward
There’s a video of the same title , i cried my soul out when watching it , because , you feel you’re alone , but the only place to ever exist when youre not alone is when you struggle..
If i died now , I’m glad of the life i lived , i lived a great life , i lived marvelous memories that no one will know or remember and theyre gonna be burried with me , but i will be satified and I’ll be glad for everything i saw and went through , or maybe it went through me
Maybe this is a dream and we’re fragments
Maybe i only wish that i don’t feel the track of time in this dream
Maybe i want to meet with the ones who are alive when we wake up ,
Maybe I’ll thank them for feeling their struggle pushing me forward , or hug them
Maybe I’ll never meet some
And eveyone that i left is alive

white Winter

Walking in the path of the ones before me

Post author By Zaki Monzer
Post date February 15, 2023
No Comments on Walking in the path of the ones before me

Walking in the path of the ones before me
I feel sick to think
And i don’t know if i should be writing this right now
I know that as i move worlds move with me
And although I’m glad of paths now
And paths to come
But i keep thinking of the ones who passed
What if we had better worlds and they moved on , without me
What if i moved , but not in the world i live in
What if the world i lived in was never made for us to be together , kind , peaceful , joyful , together
And maybe my heart isn’t made for it
But everyone’s heart was
I wish we opened up , everything
I wish i could let my inner beings to come out , to let them see
That it was always flowing in alternate dimensions
I wish i belong , god
I’m thankful I’m shown all of these
And of these possibilities
And spaces within eyes
And within peaople
The ones before me went away , from themselves
Theirselves went away from the world
The world went away from me
In one hand i want to belong , and in the other i can’t move on from all that we could have
I keep telling myself home is where I’m going
And if that’s it then i totally accept it
Maybe i always saw myself watching , on a higher level , this existence
Maybe i longed to be watched , to be gazed at from far away
For a world to come and pull mine out
To forget here
To belong here

black white

A letter to my shadow

You’ve been here more than i did
And you chapped this “me” more than myself
And lately I’m not letting you in control but I’m fighting you in my head
I’m sick of you
And you’re control
And all the things you play and all this life you try to run through
I’m tired of cleaning up after you
And all the mistakes you do
I’m sick of your laugh and your tears
And all the ways you’re messing up my mind
I’m sure of who i am , where i stand , what i believe at , and what do i stick to and all the round circles you go through is just to prove me I’m wrong , and that im not really that sure .
I accept you , and i know that you’ll never go , this ain’t a fairy tail , i might get over you for a year or two and youll be back , and i know we’re gonna stay together for a lifetime and that’s fine
I’m the strong persona you personally chapped
And I’m aware enough that this is all an illusion and there’s no stands or selves
But I AM SICK
i dont wanna be this character nor any of your suggestions
Nor anything at all
The interesting thing is that i know you’re strong but you know im strong to the point i know you can’t ever break through
God removed me away with my chair backwards and told me “watch closely” “watched everyone’s shadow”
You can play
I’ll play
Because that’s what you wanna teach me
That the universe is just the funny thing we take seriously
And that it call us to come , drown yourself , take a look , a peak , it’s inviting us to understand and it’s saying look : I’ll lift my skirts this tiny ,tiny bits , do you have enough sense to look underneath? To follow it through ? To understand ?
Take control whenever you want , at day , night , in all situations, and i know that you’re the one writing this right now
But you can’t defeat me , how can you ?
because i don’t expect to win , you can only defeat someone who wants to win.

I’m already under the skirts.

Fall white

The world dwells in me

This post is completely personal :
I’ve never been this happy , and this depressed
I feel im everyone and never this self and yet i feel all i have is this self , and god , so I’d never feel lonely
But i feel it too
I can’t sleep but im asleep
Im not messy and im not ruining anything
Im really living as a vessel for god , and i already jumped in his light and may it take me anywhere , i have hope there and complete faith
But i dont have hope to nag about here , i understand that all this mind stuff is bullshit and nonsense
Maybe i understand everything , but i dont do accordingly to them , so im not wise then
In me lies the complete despair and complete wander
In me lies the ultimate magnificent magic
In me lies the blue numbness
In me dwells the weirdest spirits ever
In me dwells chants and songs and dreams to shout when you’re child
In me dwells a lonely fall season and world
And in me exists you and many versions of it
In me dwells the terror in closests
And the wonder for a new light
In me i dont dwell but the world , the entirety of it is , and its not me recieving it , or watching it , it’s it watching moving playing and dancing with itself
And my self is desperate to catch anything , to feel anything , all along

Autumn white

The only one

“There’s no devil on one shoulder and angel on the other
They’re just two normal people”

I used to have imaginary friends
I used to dream about imaginary friends
I used to live with imaginary friends
And i went on to find myself then
And i couldn’t
So i searched in books and movies and series
And i couldn’t
So i searched in people
But i couldn’t
So i searched in the world
So i could
But i couldn’t find the world
So i searched in god
But i couldn’t find myself
But i could find it
That it wasn’t myself
And that i could go on and state a hundred
A thousand maybe
Characteristics in me
Thoughts in me
Talents in me
But i wasn’t me
I wasn’t those thousand things
I wasn’t all the crap of the world
I wasn’t everything , nor nothing
And that those imaginary friends
Were all a side of me
Each one at a time
And i didn’t create them
They were what someone should call i
And in those stories i lived with them
In the end
They all died
In the end
Except one
The only one whose searching for the end here