Category: violet

I watched myself crying

Sometimes i dream,
Some others i wander in reality,
I saw a qoute on a youtube comment section for someone the other day , that if you find yourself with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy you , the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world , and most probably for another people .
You see i dream ,
But whenever i wake up i am 100% sure i was in the real world,
I forget about this place completely,
This isn’t it , this isn’t the real life , and this isn’t myself,
And i keep searching here for people long lost inside my dream , knowing I’ll never find them here..

The other day i dreamed i saw myself ,
I was watching it from above ,
How he talks , acts , smiles… then the dream zoomed on my face , i was just watching my face as an external force , then he started crying..
I watched myself crying in a dream , for a long time.

And here i cry , on a youtube video , on a quraan verse , on a song , or an anime scene , or among a manga panel where nothing happens , or on a character sitting under a basketball net..
I cry because i feel that a piece of me exists there and I’m not with it rn , or probably,
I’m there and reading/ watching myself lost in spaces beyond space , and here i am , in a not so me life , nor mind , nor self , not even being recognized..

My therapist asked me the other day what did i want to do really , i didn’t answer then , now i feel like looking back , that we just want to be understood,
We just want to share the burden of being,
To have some external element.. a person , group , culture , values.. that hold some meaning within us ,
To elevate all these fears and anxieties and suffering we’re having ,
And to allow us to connect ,
Discover some center within , something that we can hold on to and say I’m alive , I’m here.

“I want someone to tell me what to wear every morning. I want someone to tell me what to eat. What to like, what to hate, what to rage about, what to listen to, what band to like, what to buy tickets for, what to joke about, what not to joke about. I want someone to tell me what to believe in, who to vote for, and who to love, and how to tell them. I just think I want someone to tell me how to live my life, Father, because so far I think I’ve been getting it wrong.”
Fleabag , Fleabag series

And now I’m torn between
Trying to be a better man
Trying to accept the man I am
The people that I’ve talked to
And the books that I’ve read
And the TV shows and movies that I’ve seen
Are all I have to turn to
And learnin’ how to live
But when? (When?) When? (When?)
When? (When?) When will I ever learn?

Kimochi warui song

Summer violet

The real world

Work , walk , mosque
Pray , lay , fall asleep
You’re in another world before you know it
Sometimes i wish that’s how life is
And maybe that’s how it is

You’re in there
There’s people you know
But they aren’t the people you know
There’s people you don’t know
But they’re the people who knows you really
And they’re all just good
And it’s all a good place
And it’s all a good ceremony

There’s festivals friends and food
There’s madfa3 and suns
And yellow buildings with green floors
And a land not found in your wildest imagination
And a feeling that fills your heart
You’re there where you belong
And it’s all good now
And whatever you’ve been through
It’s over , it’s all over
That life you’ve been at was just a dream
And it’s all over now , it was a mere second
And you’re glad and happy

When u remember that
And u tell yourself that
And you hug it
“This is where i am now , it was all a bad dream , this is my reality now”
And you hug it
Like you’re hugging a pillow filled with stars
And you sink
Sink
Sink
Sink
In it

.
.
It’s a dark space
So it’s nothing
But you remember there was something right ?
Wait wait wait you were somewhere
You were still in that dream , that life
Your think and you open your eyes before you know it, where were you ?

It’s dark
There’s no one
You’re in an empty dark mosque underground
Ohhh you’re back here , you tell yourself
And you feel you’ve lived just for a second here
But here you are again
You pick yourself and go back
I wish it’ll all pass fastly like a dream

Spring violet

Our names

How could i know ?
I wander
Why are you like that ?
They ask

Or why do you watch what you watch
Read what you read
Listen what you listen

Maybe that’s who i am
But i dont know what is it

I’m certain of me
But i don’t define it
And i know it’s not that fine down here
But it is warm
Very warm

Instead all the questions that passed
The winds that passed
The people and the waves
I wanted a confirmation

That it’s fine to be like that
That I’m not a burden
Not even to myself

It means that your therapist says all the inner counterattacks rituals u do
And it means to go back
To all the nice messages that were left behind
By left people

And it means
To hear your name next to a morning message
Like it is telling you you’re here
No matter how you are
You’re here now

Whatever the person might go on with life
Whatever all these times will be remembered
Or these places will sieze to exist
Or yourself will change or not

Even if it doesn’t matter you’re here,
You’re here

With all the unsaid letters
Or the non sent goodbyes
And the unlived lives
And the not given apologies
And the unreturned smiles or cares

Maybe if you asked me instead
Why are you doing this ?
I’d say for god solely

The dream ends
The night exists
Time fades
Spaces not be anymore
Your name said will forever be lost
God stays

And maybe it’s not hard to be here at all
With all what defines you
Even if sad
You the undefined abyss
But at least you’ve got that

And you’ve get to give yourself a confirmation too
By writing
Like now

By smiling to no smiles
By waving the doors without goodbyes
By living new lives yet to be lived
By apologizing to yourself for handling too much goodness

By returning morning messages, with names beside it
And it matters for once
That its okay to be here
And its okay to not be okay

If you’re not taking care of yourself then
What are you here for ?

Summer violet

Hugged our entire world

We were fine once
By hugging the bed
By walking barefooted
By running outside the sushi restaurant because we can’t eat anymore
I was him but not myself
And the world was calling me.
There were monsters
And there were doors
And we weren’t driving away from them
We were driving home
So why did i arrive alone ?
I was fine right now , a second or two
But i can’t face the world anymore
We are stronger
But the call is stranger
And the monsters are the only door
And now that we are home , we can’t escape
And now that everyone i loved lives alone inside of me
We can’t escape
And i don’t want to scream
And i don’t want to shut my mind
But i went again and threw mysef at the bed again
But instead of hugging it… i hugged the world
Our entire world.

Spring violet

Home..

Had a dream yesterday
Maybe i had it many times before but that’s all i remember
Maybe i exist there right now but I’m asleep and dreaming about this life
It was both day at night at the same time
It was in a town with qormids above the houses
And the streets were all bricks of stones that between each one and the other there’s a light coming from below
It was a mixture from many places ive seen in my life , the village, school , Italy mode in games , the shire
And I’m sure I’ve been there before , i wandered there , i belonged there
A feeling of heaven was filling my heart , although in reality all i was going through was the hot summer night and the shutted electricity
And i knew that
And i wondered inside the dream about how such a thing could bring me this feeling
I could’ve thought about it irl , i could’ve imagined it , and meditated while thinking I’m there , but it won’t ever give me the type of that feeling
That light wind inside that wasn’t bothered by the sweats and humid nature of the outside
The wind that passes once in a while to remind me that it’ll pass
That im stuck in an illusion and the real world is burried deep inside an imagination of a child
That the road to heaven lies through miles of clouded hell…

Blue Spring Summer violet

An old view for sonny boy

Post author By Zaki Monzer
Post date January 9, 2023
No Comments on An old view for sonny boy

Imagine having a normal day at highschool , then the entire place , students , and you got drifted into a blank space , another dimension where nothing exists and where everything consist of new rules and powers , then you keep drifting on again from one dimentional place to another , from one world to other , until you live whats around 2000 years in these alternate worlds, with people , each different time , different , with each got an unique one representing his inner self , and also the girl you like , can u imagine how many lives youve lived ? Without even getting old ? And then u find out that your power was drifting everyone into a new world..
and as for the girl you like her’s was being a compass that sees light , the light that you are all searching for to return to reality , to this dimensional normal life we live in.

That light is a view for the heart , for true belonging , for growing up , moving forward , facing the world..
The girl you like died at some alternate world , because well she opposed the entire world that is trying to reach the perfect game , the jam of many dimensions , u tried and managed to escape finally with your friend at the end , another interrupted you , he found out everthing’s and everyone’s gone all this time , theres nothing to hold up to and he lets you pass , finally he accepted, that theres no place for anyone to go to , that there’s no road to god except being here , being now , some lost themselves in the process , some died , some became a forrest , and some escaped , because no one is obliged to stay in his mental prisons.
You return to the real world , no time passed , all these 2000 years where just lived , inside you , its not the better world and you cant change it into one but you still choose it , when you went back , you find out everyones is still here living and going to school , except no one remembers who are you or what happened , all these goddamn years, and all those worlds, and you find out the one you love that died is still alive here , but cant remember anything too ,and this is all the light she once saw , you go on and live a normal life again , in silence , you struggle through your studies , through work and with people and nothing is extraordinary as where you used to be.
your friend you escaped with was the only one to remember too , and you both grow up together and accepted who you are and how far you came..

“As long as theres still a little of who you were on that island there, youll be fine..”

This is a story ive both experienced irl and experienced through anime media , this resembles my entire life , this anime moved me to the core of my existence where alot of things i imagined , lived and drifted through happened, this is just the tip of the iceberg of my (and many) interpretation and understanding for this story , and that i wrote only after my first warching..
#sonnyboy

Tags sonnyboy sonny boy

Autumn violet

Muttering

I’m at work sitting outside , thats a complete useless fact that neithor you or I need to know , I always considered that law of attraction could work with me in certain situations and maybe I’m not reaching stuff I want because.. I’m really doing nothing beneficial , all im doing is just a lie , im even being unfair with doing this nothing , what’s fair ? At day I see all the examples of corruption in society happening in front of me. And at night I just gaze and wait for the parking spot to be empty , to just be there with the empty street , rn there’s one car and two motorcycles left . What’s fair ? How can we be fair ? Righteous ? Wrong doing or right doing ? Do they mean anything or it’s all human created concepts ? Like time , that is all just a flow , sun up and sun down , measured scale flow over and over and over again… I saw birds flying today , running in circles , no one was leading in them , but they were just rotating together like , naturally , calmly , and I guess that’s the way humans should have been trying to reach , but we move alot , we cause noise alot , and even tho it’s noisy , it’s chaos , but in real it isn’t , it’s toooo calm , we do realize that , but we ignore it , because well , sometimes quiet is violent , we don’t like chaos surrounding the path of paths , that which we’re looking for , o path of dreams o path of thy happiness , it’s all a lie. Yes you wasting every second of the human definition for certain flows in existence called time , right now , just while reading these words admit it , you’re not fully happy because you still hasn’t come to the realization that there’s nothing called happiness , it’s just you and mirrors here , will always be that way , and you can choose to pump some chemicals into your veins or not whenever you want with whoever you want at whatever event happening or whatever going on , and wait what’s a dream ? Let me tell you honestly , I’m truly planning to sell my dream right now , for the same reason im doing the nothing at this “work” , just to try to survive to “live” in this fucked up place where we’re all just lost , misleading , and just dragged into it , just not going with the “flow” , and I’m feeling this “alive” just as the wind is hitting my skin rn , good cold breeze . I thought that my dream was to play certain compositions on the violin , only to realize after getting a violin that my dream is only to listen to these compositions , please if you consider me close , good , bad , toxic or whoever I am to you , just let that last sentence sink deep in within , there’s nothing called a dream but only what we’re calling “life” , we , we are nothing but a dream , it doesn’t matter if I play or listen or sing the composition even. It’s the same , same perception for beauty that will get you same feelings to make you fulfilled , to let you pleased , to let you think you’re either living , or living , we’re just in this bubble of thoughts and feelings here. We created , and we like to create , all these tragedies and mad stuff even, we like them , even if they’re making our or others lives miserable , even if we’re making the world a worser place , because even tho , tragedy and hope makes us feel more “alive” , and we’re being created , through every fucking nonsense in this modern era , we like that also , so what is sane ? Are we sane ? Is someone in particular ? True definition for it ? Please enlighten me , or it’s just that we’re like all other creatures but we like to think otherwise , we might be even below , we don’t flow , modernity has failed us , life was given to us millions of years , how could we tell if we lived it truly , if we did anything that defines it , life , where were we ? What’s about this dream ? What’s a dream ? Do I wanna know the answers ? Who am I , no no , who was I ? You know I’ve always considered myself to be referred to as someone calm , bacause im so calm , deeply inside im surpassing my limits everyday in being calm , and I’m so cold blooded , even if not all “times” because I’m just a lost definition too who has many called characters definition , I’m too talkative sometimes, and other times I use sign language , so if the world only consisted of humans as same as me , like me , it would be really very silent , calm , lazy kind of world , nothing will ever be done and that sake of one’s person , family, and humanity would never even exist , did it even exist ? For now, all I guess that I know is , I like my childhood picture where I had a calm kind of face (mirror) , I like having a family of mine rn , there’s two cars left infront of me , a young girl living near my workplace glazes and looks at me non-stop too much , and that the wind is good now . Are these things enough if known to be called “alive” ?

violet

Felt existing 💫

It’s gonna take only some hundred years and after that non of this will matter , non of this will be remembered , all the stories and moments you experienced alone or with some company , and it’s just a dot in the vast ocean of the universe’s time , recently Im thinking alot about how the landscape im in changed through the course of history , maybe it was a desert , maybe a jungle , maybe many dinasours fought here , maybe many great men passed here , many people cried , laughed , ran here , and now all gone , all of these stories we’re living will be gone too and all these past lives and legends and generations just passed , and this carries alot of beauty within , it’s a vast wide world , where each atom and living creature in it carries another vast wide world , and I really don’t know how I can take it for understanding all of this , how can I turn all of this interpretation of reality , the flow of things , the flow of people , the flow of societies , the flow of ideas , the flow of stories , the flow of friends , the flow of spirits , the flow of art , the flow of this entire galaxy , into sth that will be remembered for eternity in the great cosmic spirit , we carry unimaginable realms inside , don’t limit yourself , don’t limit your world , you exist now for forever, you were never alone, your stories were and will never be dead , see you forever , it’s just a magnificent dream

Spring violet

Beauty

Looking back at the reasons of my existence I can only see the moments of when I touched the soul of life in this world , and I still believe that it’s a very cruel world , but it’s very beautiful , and it’s really filled with unimaginable unbelievable infinte awe spreading beauty , and whatever problems we’re having down on earth , causing that cruelty , not to add the reasons why I dislike society and all of it’s parts , including the artistic and idealistic parts , are because of an artistic and beauty standards crisis we’re having , all of humanity . cause beauty emerges out of a deep true soul that lies within all of living things and gives meaning for it to bloom , and it’s really hard to see who seeks it , who feels it , who wonders through it , who gets lost in all that small twinkling vast silent moments of existence . unfortunately , materialism took all over human being’s interests , and their consciousness is being blocked by earthy dimentional needs , they don’t love themselves anymore because they don’t see the beauty of themselves , even if they think it is that , they don’t know themselves because all they are surrounded with are mind controlling shapes , ideas , matters , belongings , and fake standards , that sees beauty in faces , in clothing , in looks , in materials , while it’s all just a part of a big capitalist , egoestic game they created for themselves , and they created stuff to stay in it , and to let people believe in it , and that what driven human beings far away from nature and their true essence , and what drives them to believe that these fake standards are beauty is meaning , while meaning demands own understanding , and own feeling , and a true search for purpose , and when they build a materialistic purposes based on their ego which hides completely one’s true self which doesn’t alow it to feel it’s own beauty and art in living first and based on shapes and needs they want and things they think they want and it ends up owning them and a social world all was built on fake standards , medium , ideas , and thinking , that’s all it left . In the movie american beauty it discovers the search of different characters to their needs in life that they think they should do or have to reach own satisfaction , while it turns out by the end of them noticing it was all not what they wanted or believed to , and their happiness lied in what they already had , their natural selves , family , hobbies , not worldly matters or greed , quoting from the main character telling his wife : “This isn’t life, it’s just stuff. And it’s become more important to you than living. Well, honey, that’s just nuts “ . and a qoute from it when the boy was showing his girlfriend a silent videos showing natural flows of things and moments that holds the door to a true meaning and place where someone can find himself saying : ” It was one of those days when it’s a minute away from snowing and there’s this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. Right? And this bag was just dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. That’s the day I realized that there was this entire life behind things, and this incredibly benevolent force that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video’s a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember… I need to remember… Sometimes there’s so much beauty in the world, I feel like I can’t take it, and my heart is just going to cave in. “ and then ending the film in the main character’s death saying while remembering the true moments he had in life ” but it’s hard to stay mad, when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst… And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life… You have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sure. But don’t worry… you will someday “ and looking back into what I had done in my life I feel gratitude for the happy little moments in had with myself there when I stood and gazed at life’s infinite awe , and I’m glad I’ll be remmebered through that always , and I’m glad that I was awakened to feel it all and not else , and I wish people can touch these beautiful pure parts of their heart someday and know it , and not to speak of another movie , cloud atlas , which shows how beauty is the true place of freedom and love , and how it is the true resistance against all the mind slavery we’re going in , well I hope we open the eyes of our hearts to the awe of natural art that is a true meaning , and a true purpose and world . Be pure be true be beautiful . ان الله جميل يحب الجمال ، فسبحانه البديع وبحمده