Someday well go away We will never see another morning The sun will fade The mountains will be moved Our houses will be empty More than what we feel
And i guess its meant to be that no one will hear our stories And no will will hear our songs And no one will hea all the screams we once hoped for Of joy and pain and glory and heaet wrenching feelings
And i guess its meant to be to end To remind us of who we are Without having to live longer To support the delusion that it wont happen
That we are just sands trying to figure it out Trying to make sense That we are on the edge of the shore Trying to glorify all our colors that dont exist The sands will either uncover earth or be sunk down In the sea that stays At least for another stride of meaningless times
Good god that stays My heart aches for times beyond time Where our memories will never be known And our rooms and drawers will never be emtpy And all that we collected All that we captured All that we gifted and take All the letters we wrote Will be even longing for the wind
Good god beyond the infinite I will not grief Youre the only hope Because youre the all ever seeing All ever protecting All the ever holder of everything our souls dwelled into and with
And if we ever lived to share longer It would be just with you What good is living if not with you What remains that that hold meaning not to you
How could i know ? I wander Why are you like that ? They ask
Or why do you watch what you watch Read what you read Listen what you listen
Maybe that’s who i am But i dont know what is it
I’m certain of me But i don’t define it And i know it’s not that fine down here But it is warm Very warm
Instead all the questions that passed The winds that passed The people and the waves I wanted a confirmation
That it’s fine to be like that That I’m not a burden Not even to myself
It means that your therapist says all the inner counterattacks rituals u do And it means to go back To all the nice messages that were left behind By left people
And it means To hear your name next to a morning message Like it is telling you you’re here No matter how you are You’re here now
Whatever the person might go on with life Whatever all these times will be remembered Or these places will sieze to exist Or yourself will change or not
Even if it doesn’t matter you’re here, You’re here
With all the unsaid letters Or the non sent goodbyes And the unlived lives And the not given apologies And the unreturned smiles or cares
Maybe if you asked me instead Why are you doing this ? I’d say for god solely
The dream ends The night exists Time fades Spaces not be anymore Your name said will forever be lost God stays
And maybe it’s not hard to be here at all With all what defines you Even if sad You the undefined abyss But at least you’ve got that
And you’ve get to give yourself a confirmation too By writing Like now
By smiling to no smiles By waving the doors without goodbyes By living new lives yet to be lived By apologizing to yourself for handling too much goodness
By returning morning messages, with names beside it And it matters for once That its okay to be here And its okay to not be okay
If you’re not taking care of yourself then What are you here for ?
We might think of the way to live To go To decide And sometimes we submit We tend to run from both But we engage completely In the flow of possibilities Where life got infinite more On a larger scale But chess Chess is a game And a game is not life But it is in life Where we might be down In the paths of defeats In our daily lives But we escape to games If we played , if we didn’t It doesnt matter If we win or lose We run and escape We become the board Because we don’t want to think of life Of the more infinite possibilities in it But maybe in games We can sense that small victory Maybe in them Whether we participated or we were just watching We can have sth that culd define us Way beyind our daily lives Maybe that’s why we play games And why we should play life There’s no play But we play And we got immersed We can’t get addicted to life But we can get addicted to chess And as the pieces move Fall and rise Kill and be killed They participate of a very greater thing Way beyond their understanding And possibilities Way beyond even the minds moving them Chess is just life minimized And life is just chess not glorified And we can loose i both And we can scream i both And we can be im them Here But we can never know to where Or who Or us Life is a game But winning and loosing aren’t fast Aren’t determined Aren’t immediate and aren’t free So we invented games to minimize life To give psychological and mental and physical rewards more sufficiently Easily And faster than life More time on them More rewards More addiction More mind games
In life we dont know where we stand We stand at a sea At infinity But in chess we stand in our minds Standing on white and black blocks And i think its a human condition to take the road-less traveled
Sometomes on Saturdays i get out to sit in the field beside the neighborhood, There’s all sort of things, Mostly parties if there’s a birthday or event , Either than thay it’s kids playing ball, I don’t participate, but i name each of the old pals instead of the kids playing , And i wander through the old days , The people here are very kind and they give much care to someone old like me , I tell them stories at nights and the call me insane , mostly kids , while at morning they’re just busy playing and getting their cup from the sun . Pretty funny for someone who was once pointed at as the last sane human.. But one day little gel was injured so he get off and sat beside me. -“playing on sand is fun but rough right grandpa? ” he asked “If u don’t know how to use if ” i replied -“How’s so ? For what ?” “u should flow through it , not just jumping and running over it , feel yourself as if you’re the sand… ahh i guess you’re still a kid.. maybe you won’t get it” -“It just hurts ” , he said “the sand is hot too “ “One time we swam under sand” -“under sea ?” ” No no under sand besides the see ” a warm smile was surrounding my face -He asked ” And How’s that possible ? Plus u can just go under water “ ” well dear , in our days water was just like fire now , it would burn you if you even touch it , and the seas where we swam where either of lava or sand , but here st the coast it wall just water , well that is until great girl joy came..” -“Joyyy ? Lavvaaa ? ” he asked while making a disgusted face “Joy waa a redhead , Forget it” i continued “playing is good when u can’t understand the world” He sat there silent for a while , then he asked me curiously: -“and how were you able to breath under sand ?” “If i told you you won’t believe me” -“well you’re no mind man(he means insane) i think , i don’t believe you , but I’m trying to imagine..” he said with a pure voice. “Well im no mind but yesterday i was mind , today you are mind but if i snuck you into my childhood there won’t be anyone who’ll be friends with you , because you’ll be no mind too there” He said then : ” maybe someday I’ll get it” and i laughed my eyes out.
Sometimes good witch anne was getting us oxygen under sand , other times star , or it depends , that so until the sand man came by” .
-“what is he or them ?”
“Maybe he was a fraction from my mind , but they , my friends , told me otherwise , his name was rolly , but a reptile man ended him”
-“another reason why you’re no mind is that you’ve been living alone for so long , you have no friends”
“i do some people come flying for me at times”
-“i hear such stories , but i don’t believe them”
“then u have mind that u turn off mind , anw go play i guess your wound is healed , sand man rolly told me so , but remember son , no one who has good friends is alone ” He looked surprised, his wound was healed in the instance without him noticing while talking , he went on and played , and i gazed from a distant at all the people and the kids , the next time he was about to score the goal he looked my way and stood in chock , he lost the ball and they were shouting at him but he only stood with his mouth opened , maybe because he saw a redhead woman with a hat beside me , he pointed at her and she shouted at him to play… i laughed my eyes out
I wasn’t afraid of my monsters under my bed when i was a child , And i dont believe in monsters under my bed now , But i dont believe in myself either.. I prayed for god to show me the way And i wasn’t here I walked through the path of hell, I longed to my bed, And I’m fighting 24/7 the monsters i don’t believe at, To relieve the self i dont believe at.. so this is a redemption act I tried to guess but why should i pass through them ? Then i remembered i asked god to show me the way I went in the way into my closet, I hung myself in all the people i killed, I ran through a football field looking, at the sky screaming to heaven, I was jumping in a bar im the shire, I was the schizophrenic old man in the town party, And i walked over the sea with my bare foot , Its a death , a forgetting , and a rebirth , a redemption , I asked god to show me the way.. But i was away, I spent 500 days to reach peace 5 years to reach myself And a single seccond to tear it all up, And then reload it all Again Again And again Goodmornings Schools Runs Prayers Paint Language Write Read Watch Go Come Play Cry Mess Scream Shower Sleep Repeat Over Over And over again Im not afraid im wasting my time because im not Im afraid im still far away from the path i asked god for You see i asked him for the path of heaven But it runs through a miled of clouded hell right ? So you can’t ask why is it so fucked up messed up life self mind time going on I wanted to out as peaceful as i can be Now i want to get out as strong as i can ever be That if , if i got out , i found i ever existed Hope Tangles on a string On a tinyyyyy tiny little string Like a slow , spinning, rolling , redemption ..
I know i don’t really think of any meaning of time But im writing this Maybe to myself , maybe. It may be a fast year , but i reached rock bottom. It may be that i didn’t do work like strive for anything, but i did alot , alot of progress and daily stuff..
Maybe now i dont remember any, And maybe in many times i forget what happens, The tragedy of my life that i only remember my intrusive thoughts, I even forget myself or what i did or my world I forget , i dont always remember , sorry god , and sorry myself, But to try to recoil them i guess ill be a bit proud , I finished the quraan for the 4th time this year , 3 times this year, I made some beautiful videos, I made some paintings , I wrote here some stuff, I did alot of good deads for many and for my friends and family daily, I ran 5k and more for many many many days, I watched and read alot, I came closer(hopefully) to god, I attended many rituals and studies,
I met beautiful people, I left beautiful people, And im saying alot, Alot of which this might never get, But i was never mad or sorry about anyone, I was sorry about myself, To be left .
I cleared my heart alot, Started night prayers, I finished my uni courses, I played allooottttt of chess, I made some sketches , I swam at sea, I traveled for the first time, I read maybe the most of books in a year in my life even if not alot, I organized many things, I learned many many stuff, I wrote some stories on paper, I was joyful sometimes and tried to lighten my heart to the world and to flow, And took some good shots of memories , even if with myself only, And i tried… I tried.
I used to like summer mornings I used to like summer nights Grandpa would leave dessert on the doorway Each saturday morning I’d see all this stretching through sunlight
Now i don’t wake up at mornings And i don’t breath the scent of nights And all the sweetness left me I’m trying to regain my peaceful sense
If i could sustain my sorrows If i could sustain my selves It sharpens to a point i want to shed my skin With my finger nails But all my lover’s finger nails were broken And i was broken
I stay up late every night And maybe you think I’ll keep on talking And maybe you think i abandoned you all But the only thing that doesn’t shut is my mind Just for today , i abandoned myself
And if we lost our kingdom in one day Could there have been any other way ? Could the way be just to make a choice to not loose it all ? Did the we ever after ever exist ?
I’m going to bed now But I’ll not be drown in my sorrows I’ll be drown in the sea The sea in my dreams
I won’t go on a ship I won’t try to swim Maybe I’ll pray Not to live To just feel the will to live
It was an expensive mistakes It was a forgotten mistakes My neck shattered to get me here I have no blood on my hands for a reason But what was i supposed to do ? How was i supposed to know how to fix water tubes ? How was i supposed to know how to ride over other’s thoughts ? How was i supposed to quite my job ? How was i supposed to handle a fulfilling college life ? How was i supposed to have good friends ? How was i supposed to leave good friends ? How was i supposed to say goodbye to my grandpa ? How was i supposed to hold on to a job ? How was i supposed to run each Monday Wednesday Friday Sunday Tuesday? How was i supposed to handle my illness ? Or my life ? How the hell was i supposed to handle the illness of my life ? I was given a body that is falling apart My house is falling apart And I was given a mind that can’t control itself And what about the pain I’m in right now? And I was given a ship that can’t steer itself. And what about a prayer ? How was I supposed to know? And God won’t forgive me And you won’t forgive me Not unless I open up my heart And how am I supposed to do that?
When I go to this same room every night And sleep in the same bed every night? The same fucking bed With one eye seeing the world dark and a mind darker, Even in day, Even is daylight, The light from the sun, The sun over the sea, This sea is too familiar How many nights have I drowned here? And i don’t wake up trembling From a dream where I swam into the sea I reach out and hold you in my arms But are you real ? Am i real ? My life was searching for sweet on the door Now it’s searching for a door to a sweet You choose to survive To run without a door Let us go to where we belonged To the place we built But we changed paths From sth inside Us But it was not Us Was it ? Did it matter ? Was it that something we dont know came for us But we didn’t even come too ? Will we ever do ?
They leave , but where too ? If they took your world with them Where did they fit into ? They leave , and inside of you starts a winter that never ends That leave you wondering at which storm your heart went
They leave , but not in fall In fall we met In fall we were us We were young And free Although it never felt so
They leave , in spring When you most need the moon They leave to the moon The other side , And you leave to the other side Of the bed
If you ever burried me In my death bed Don’t write my name Write those who left And took me with them
Tell them to come back On a sunny day On a summer day Where we weren’t young But we were old And dying Where it was warm but our bodies were cold And I’ll forgive them And they can keep my world with them And they can fit it into my heart The one that was inside of them Inside the storm
Had a dream yesterday Maybe i had it many times before but that’s all i remember Maybe i exist there right now but I’m asleep and dreaming about this life It was both day at night at the same time It was in a town with qormids above the houses And the streets were all bricks of stones that between each one and the other there’s a light coming from below It was a mixture from many places ive seen in my life , the village, school , Italy mode in games , the shire And I’m sure I’ve been there before , i wandered there , i belonged there A feeling of heaven was filling my heart , although in reality all i was going through was the hot summer night and the shutted electricity And i knew that And i wondered inside the dream about how such a thing could bring me this feeling I could’ve thought about it irl , i could’ve imagined it , and meditated while thinking I’m there , but it won’t ever give me the type of that feeling That light wind inside that wasn’t bothered by the sweats and humid nature of the outside The wind that passes once in a while to remind me that it’ll pass That im stuck in an illusion and the real world is burried deep inside an imagination of a child That the road to heaven lies through miles of clouded hell…
The greatest story ever told is your story , but you’re not in it , you’re not the hero You’re not the center of the universe You are the story You are the told You are just the center. You’re not the wave that comes and passes You’re the passing You , us , life , universe , waves , we’re the passing , and the sea stays. We’re not the experience , we’re experiencing . You give yourself to the water and then you find that the water holds you up We waters are infinite waters We plants are happy plants.
zaki monzer 