Category: Fall

Categories
Fall green

Somewhere

I’m writing this in an unexpected way
Because events in life happen in an unexpected way
And when they are expected even
Unexpected feelings hits you .

I was reading across a saying by the prophet that is : ” the faithful in their matual amiability , compassion , and sympathy , are like one body that when one organ is sick , the rest of the body responds with Insomnia and fever “
It’s not hidden the suffering im passing through
And that maybe I’m an open book
Its not like i crave attention
But i don’t consider anything my own so i share all my thoughts even in public.
Because for a guy like me with my mental illness im everything but my thoughts.
But if a kind of such faithful people should be around me , a kind of a loveling brotherhood or friendhood , if its really okay for you to find a place where you feel at that its okay for you to live , to grief and to have someone pat you ..
Then why there’s none ?
Am i for that extent invisible ?
Or that the problem is an inner one ?
What if there was a community for the faithful but i wasn’t one ?
When will i stop questioning myself and everyone that passed .

When will i ever get an answer , to get a hint of that place , of that people , somewhere somehow in the world.. when you don’t have to ask to get an apology or care or understanding or a good word..

Categories
Blue Fall

Standing on the edge of memory


You can remember as far as youre young ?
-Mmm yeah
How young ?
-Around months young only
How so
-I feared a toy in the photograph place my mom and my uncle took me to.. i still remember it , as much as i remember many visions of my childhood , things that are to hard to believe i do remember .
U think you remembered because it was stuck with a feeling ?
-I dont know , i dont think so , many memories of happy feelings i dont remember anymore , i lost track of dates i loved some people , i dont remember even when did i love exactly certain people , and when did i tell them that…
Do you remember any chat with any one ?
-I dont remember anymore .
Neither photos ?
-Neither anything , im usually nowadays asking the other person im talking to if ive told him this before or not..
What about life
-I dont remember which year what happened or what event in which year, i dont remember which year i was supposed to graduate or even which year the pandemic happened or which year a football game i loved even occured , its like i lost track of time and years , and sometimes im afraid that everyone still remember except me.
Do you remember anything hard to remember ?
-I remember faraway distant dreams from ages ago , i get flashes , without any meaning or any connection or any feeling i just recoil them back..
What about things you love ?

-There’s nothing i can hold to , its like , its a point , and each time im stuck and i try to remember , my world , stories i liked , people i loved , memories i had , things i went through , all my redemptions , all my changes , my development, There’s nothing , i sometimes wake up a blank space not knowing or feeling everything about the day before , its sad when it was a day to remember or when you feel whole , faithful, good , etc and you wake up with a hole , and trying to chase a dream you left a minute ago , just to forget it too immediately..
Then you’re stuck with what?
-My thoughts , my intrusive thoughts
Did you try not to think about them?
-Yes
Did you try not to fear them?
-Yes
Did you try to move on from them?
-Yes
Did you try to make yourself busy with whatever?
-Yes

Did you pray
-Yes
Did you stand with everything, with everyone
-Yes
Did everything anything anyone stand by you
-No
Did you remember them
-No
Did you try to remember
-Yes
Did you remember
-Remember what
Who you are
-Who am i
You are me
-I don’t remember

Categories
Fall white

Everyone that i love is dead

We used to play virtual yugioh when we were 7 years old
The writer of the series died this year , he drowned after saving a girl
My old friend that i used to play with left social media
The people i used to watch with in my neighborhood now i only know there names .
And my other friend told me today his story , of how the girl he loved died , and how he can’t move on anymore.
I dont know what to do if something like that happened , i can’t handle someone i love dying, even young .
But then i remember everyone i loved died , they went away , so what does it matter , we mught probably never talk or see each other again , I’ll cry now and I’ll cry when they leave this world , so they’re dead , they passed through time and space already .
And some people left stories behind,
Kentaru muira did , so is he dead ? He changed my life
He taught me how to struggle even when i dont know how
Even if i dont know how to move on , to find a place , someone , something that’s worth living/dying for , he taught how to just keep moving forward
There’s a video of the same title , i cried my soul out when watching it , because , you feel you’re alone , but the only place to ever exist when youre not alone is when you struggle..
If i died now , I’m glad of the life i lived , i lived a great life , i lived marvelous memories that no one will know or remember and theyre gonna be burried with me , but i will be satified and I’ll be glad for everything i saw and went through , or maybe it went through me
Maybe this is a dream and we’re fragments
Maybe i only wish that i don’t feel the track of time in this dream
Maybe i want to meet with the ones who are alive when we wake up ,
Maybe I’ll thank them for feeling their struggle pushing me forward , or hug them
Maybe I’ll never meet some
And eveyone that i left is alive

Categories
black Fall red

Ima’s first diary since returning to earth :

To Heiwa , Jane , and every soul of my lost beloved ones hearing me right now.
I might be an emperor right now and you might all be proud , but i lost everything
And i don’t know how to move from that , from you
What’s the point of the road and the destiny if everyone is gone , and I’m only walking through stranger worlds and stranger lands with stranger people ?
If being strong is giving me an advantage then I’m really so weak
I can’t move on
I can’t change
I can’t stop shedding blood
I couldn’t stop the war
I couldn’t save zoya
I couldn’t save my sisters
As the same thing i did to my brothers
As the same thing i did to my father , now that i knew the time stone passed under my hands…
And i can’t still find my mother , not even her shadow.. they call me the girl that exists in every time yet i still can’t find my mother’s one.
Speaking of hands , zake’s one still haunts me since that day on the shore , and now there’s just zypher laying there waiting for me.
I wish i can tell him I’m home
But i lost my home here
How much sorrow can i take ?
Was i ever strong for handling all these loses and grieves ?
Will i ever find a home that doesn’t die , or at least a one that doesn’t go and leave me here ?
Not just the world moved on without me , Worlds did…
and i can’t do the same thing even though I’m standing at the top of them all.

Categories
Fall white

The world dwells in me

This post is completely personal :
I’ve never been this happy , and this depressed
I feel im everyone and never this self and yet i feel all i have is this self , and god , so I’d never feel lonely
But i feel it too
I can’t sleep but im asleep
Im not messy and im not ruining anything
Im really living as a vessel for god , and i already jumped in his light and may it take me anywhere , i have hope there and complete faith
But i dont have hope to nag about here , i understand that all this mind stuff is bullshit and nonsense
Maybe i understand everything , but i dont do accordingly to them , so im not wise then
In me lies the complete despair and complete wander
In me lies the ultimate magnificent magic
In me lies the blue numbness
In me dwells the weirdest spirits ever
In me dwells chants and songs and dreams to shout when you’re child
In me dwells a lonely fall season and world
And in me exists you and many versions of it
In me dwells the terror in closests
And the wonder for a new light
In me i dont dwell but the world , the entirety of it is , and its not me recieving it , or watching it , it’s it watching moving playing and dancing with itself
And my self is desperate to catch anything , to feel anything , all along

Categories
black Blue Fall

Imagine to be

Imagine
You jump from here to there
There is where you don’t know
And can’t understand
But there’s alot of information
More than here
Which ,
When you think of it ,
Is impossible ,
You can’t ignore thale fact that a 20 year old human rn can access , if he hadn’t already learn , alot of and about stories , technologies, materials , tools , people , geography , history , cenima , whereabouts and events , more than someone who lived 200 years in ancient times .
Heck more ridiculously even than a tribe or a village in the 19th or 20th century .
Wherever you are now , and its not just bond by the fact of the advanced technology and science in real world but about the insane huge number of humans rn , and it’s consequences going from complications to literally everything and the condensation and setting limitation to the daily life, time , places , rules , of well …ourselves first , the way we view it , and the way we view the world , and the world itself.
So you jump to that place , after escaping this , dont ask me how it’s up to you nyahaha , where it has more ideas views and truths , because it exist on a higher plane than here with higher senses we can’t comprehend but the other difference is ,
THERE’S NO FUCKING COMPLICATIONS.
NO LIMITATIONS.
NO THIS AND THAT.
NO ME AND YOU .
you wanna know why ?
Because it’s all out of human own senses compresed in emotions and unprocessed thoughts and mind algorthims that control them without them even knowing who they are to begin with.
You feel free ?
Just try to remove your name
It’s not about access of information
Or where we’re going
Or if we’d discover that great immersive truth about the universe
Because you know why there’s non
There’s no mysteries to discover
There’s only mysteries you jump into to undiscover who you are , which is the outer world , which isn’t the quest
Not in the scale of time space data
Not even in the scale of energy frequency reality
Go higher be
You unfathomable being

Categories
Fall Yellow

When will i ever learn

God if you can just show me
Where in it do i belong
And i know it’s up to me
But there’s alot of poeple
And alot of times
And alot of places
And alot of stories
And i get that i passed through alot
And wasn’t alone
I know i should’ve probably learned how to live by now
But where
And if it’s gonna be shown
Then when
When will i ever learn..
I can’t speak rn
And i don’t think there’s a way back
To give interest to anything
At all
All that is
I understand it all
But I’m not good at it all
I’m just a mirror
What does a mirror do in a mirror less world ?

Categories
Fall white

Early meditations

Somewhere between my beginnings at meditation i remember mostly one special one , that one time i was laying still and just doing basics to reach only a higher light level , i began to feel a lighg separation but was still here , then i started to feel a light body above of mine , it reminded me alot of neos from yugioh , maybe it was one of the most fictional characters that i loved and i thought it resembles me , but anw i just felt that lighy body then puff out of nowhere i was somewhere in a roller multidimension in a place that seemed like a circular tall tower where every level of it consisted of a rotating place , i met many people there , and i still remember them , sometimes i dream about them , and im not talking about human like , i saw on a table an old weird granny and i talked to her , she only gave me 3 words , i was at grade 9 then , i remembered those words and i thought they were life changing and so on , now i cant remember one of them and its fine , its just a passing words , and its just a passing initial experience of many to come..

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