Category: Blue

Blue Fall

Standing on the edge of memory

Post author By Zaki Monzer
Post date February 25, 2023
No Comments on Standing on the edge of memory

You can remember as far as youre young ?
-Mmm yeah
How young ?
-Around months young only
How so
-I feared a toy in the photograph place my mom and my uncle took me to.. i still remember it , as much as i remember many visions of my childhood , things that are to hard to believe i do remember .
U think you remembered because it was stuck with a feeling ?
-I dont know , i dont think so , many memories of happy feelings i dont remember anymore , i lost track of dates i loved some people , i dont remember even when did i love exactly certain people , and when did i tell them that…
Do you remember any chat with any one ?
-I dont remember anymore .
Neither photos ?
-Neither anything , im usually nowadays asking the other person im talking to if ive told him this before or not..
What about life
-I dont remember which year what happened or what event in which year, i dont remember which year i was supposed to graduate or even which year the pandemic happened or which year a football game i loved even occured , its like i lost track of time and years , and sometimes im afraid that everyone still remember except me.
Do you remember anything hard to remember ?
-I remember faraway distant dreams from ages ago , i get flashes , without any meaning or any connection or any feeling i just recoil them back..
What about things you love ?

-There’s nothing i can hold to , its like , its a point , and each time im stuck and i try to remember , my world , stories i liked , people i loved , memories i had , things i went through , all my redemptions , all my changes , my development, There’s nothing , i sometimes wake up a blank space not knowing or feeling everything about the day before , its sad when it was a day to remember or when you feel whole , faithful, good , etc and you wake up with a hole , and trying to chase a dream you left a minute ago , just to forget it too immediately..
Then you’re stuck with what?
-My thoughts , my intrusive thoughts
Did you try not to think about them?
-Yes
Did you try not to fear them?
-Yes
Did you try to move on from them?
-Yes
Did you try to make yourself busy with whatever?
-Yes

Did you pray
-Yes
Did you stand with everything, with everyone
-Yes
Did everything anything anyone stand by you
-No
Did you remember them
-No
Did you try to remember
-Yes
Did you remember
-Remember what
Who you are
-Who am i
You are me
-I don’t remember

Blue Winter

Self ocd reflections

7 years , it comes , it goes
You dont know if you’re afraid of it
Or afraid that it will stop and come back in a farther future
Or afraid of it coming in many other forms and topics.
When anything could trigger you , anything , even a single dot gou see or hear can start an endless circle of pain and struggling ,
And you start , another stage , another self defensive mechanisms, another mind games , thought counts , thought strategies and circles of a clash between you and someone you dont even know who wants to tell you its completely you and you dont exist ,
While you feel that you never existed , and you keep struggling to not let one single thought of it enters, no no , one single thought of it to be thought about ,
And then once again , defensive mind mechanisms , other reiterate sayings and actions and symbols and so on so on , until you get to the next subject
And no one fucking knows
No one fucking sees
I was sitting with my best friend for an hour and was counting how many thoughts passed , he was blown away , he was blown away and i was in my best times , i never even show that .
And just knowing that my friend got also fractions of it made me at ease , we as people with pure ocd feel way more better when we know someone feels us , knows us , we feel better when we see a picture just stating what we go through , or even a video , or even someone talking online , because we’re here , left alone , that most of the time i forget my identity , i forget everything..
And even sometimes i feel way better when someone or some people at public do the things we fear to think , and they even feel proud about it and they laugh and they go on without having conscience , like like , i feel better i feel i feel im good in the middle of this unknown mess that is making me everything but not good , i feel this is happening because im good , and that even if all the time im fighting the things that go against my will to prove it , that I’m it
And i dont want to end like crona
I don’t
I want to break free
I want to be fine
I want to be out

Blue Spring

The sea in my dreams

I used to like summer mornings
I used to like summer nights
Grandpa would leave dessert on the doorway
Each saturday morning
I’d see all this stretching through sunlight

Now i don’t wake up at mornings
And i don’t breath the scent of nights
And all the sweetness left me
I’m trying to regain my peaceful sense

If i could sustain my sorrows
If i could sustain my selves
It sharpens to a point i want to shed my skin
With my finger nails
But all my lover’s finger nails were broken
And i was broken

I stay up late every night
And maybe you think I’ll keep on talking
And maybe you think i abandoned you all
But the only thing that doesn’t shut is my mind
Just for today , i abandoned myself

And if we lost our kingdom in one day
Could there have been any other way ?
Could the way be just to make a choice to not loose it all ?
Did the we ever after ever exist ?

I’m going to bed now
But I’ll not be drown in my sorrows
I’ll be drown in the sea
The sea in my dreams

I won’t go on a ship
I won’t try to swim
Maybe I’ll pray
Not to live
To just feel the will to live

It was an expensive mistakes
It was a forgotten mistakes
My neck shattered to get me here
I have no blood on my hands for a reason
But what was i supposed to do ?
How was i supposed to know how to fix water tubes ?
How was i supposed to know how to ride over other’s thoughts ?
How was i supposed to quite my job ?
How was i supposed to handle a fulfilling college life ?
How was i supposed to have good friends ?
How was i supposed to leave good friends ?
How was i supposed to say goodbye to my grandpa ?
How was i supposed to hold on to a job ?
How was i supposed to run each
Monday Wednesday Friday Sunday Tuesday?
How was i supposed to handle my illness ?
Or my life ?
How the hell was i supposed to handle the illness of my life ?
I was given a body that is falling apart
My house is falling apart
And I was given a mind that can’t control itself
And what about the pain I’m in right now?
And I was given a ship that can’t steer itself.
And what about a prayer ?
How was I supposed to know?
And God won’t forgive me
And you won’t forgive me
Not unless I open up my heart
And how am I supposed to do that?

When I go to this same room every night
And sleep in the same bed every night?
The same fucking bed
With one eye seeing the world dark and a mind darker,
Even in day,
Even is daylight,
The light from the sun,
The sun over the sea,
This sea is too familiar
How many nights have I drowned here?
And i don’t wake up trembling
From a dream where I swam into the sea
I reach out and hold you in my arms
But are you real ?
Am i real ?
My life was searching for sweet on the door
Now it’s searching for a door to a sweet
You choose to survive
To run without a door
Let us go to where we belonged
To the place we built
But we changed paths
From sth inside
Us
But it was not
Us
Was it ?
Did it matter ?
Was it that something we dont know came for us
But we didn’t even come too ?
Will we ever do ?

Blue Spring

If you ever burried me..

They leave , but where too ?
If they took your world with them
Where did they fit into ?
They leave , and inside of you starts a winter that never ends
That leave you wondering at which storm your heart went

They leave , but not in fall
In fall we met
In fall we were us
We were young
And free
Although it never felt so

They leave , in spring
When you most need the moon
They leave to the moon
The other side ,
And you leave to the other side
Of the bed

If you ever burried me
In my death bed
Don’t write my name
Write those who left
And took me with them

Tell them to come back
On a sunny day
On a summer day
Where we weren’t young
But we were old
And dying
Where it was warm but our bodies were cold
And I’ll forgive them
And they can keep my world with them
And they can fit it into my heart
The one that was inside of them
Inside the storm

Autumn Blue

Cat-man-mirror

I laid on bed like a corpse
Like I’m being thrown at the sea
I got up because my family can’t shut up
And its soo loud
I stood up and looked at the mirror
“Do i have to go through this again ? ” The face said
The sound got louder and louder that my image in the mirror was shaking
I opened the door and went outside
Only to see a cat standing by the door
“Who are you ?” I asked
“Am i supposed to be anyone ? “The cat responded
“Then why are you here ?”
“I heard you want to run from the mirror , but I’m only going to the sea..”
“Can i lay down there ?”
And so we ran and ran
But the cat was always faster than me
So we went highway
And the roads were all clossed
And a marathon was being held
I always wanted to run
Should i run or should i lay down ?
A girl with glasses approached me , ” do you want to participate?” She asked directly
I didn’t know what to answer , but since I’m already chasing the cat i wrote my name down
I never cared about the race , nor the people racing beside me , the fact that i always felt like that… that I’m just a blurry mirror in the flow of people
They ran , and i ran , and we did
And soon enough i was near sea side , and since I’m there with no one ahead of my sight , then i was the winner
They gave me the prize , but i just wanted to catch the cat
So then i shouted why not make a bargain
“Hey Mr cat , give me yourself and I’ll give you the prize “
The cat always cared for running so she loved the prize
And i turned into a cat-man wandering on the sea
I was always alone
Until i stumbled by a bunch of people throwing a corpse at the sea
I looked at them but the sun was hitting their faces , so all i saw was a shaking light , like the one i saw in the mirror earlier at the morning
“And who are you ?” They asked
“Am i supposed to be anyone ?” The cat-man responded…

black Blue Fall

Imagine to be

Imagine
You jump from here to there
There is where you don’t know
And can’t understand
But there’s alot of information
More than here
Which ,
When you think of it ,
Is impossible ,
You can’t ignore thale fact that a 20 year old human rn can access , if he hadn’t already learn , alot of and about stories , technologies, materials , tools , people , geography , history , cenima , whereabouts and events , more than someone who lived 200 years in ancient times .
Heck more ridiculously even than a tribe or a village in the 19th or 20th century .
Wherever you are now , and its not just bond by the fact of the advanced technology and science in real world but about the insane huge number of humans rn , and it’s consequences going from complications to literally everything and the condensation and setting limitation to the daily life, time , places , rules , of well …ourselves first , the way we view it , and the way we view the world , and the world itself.
So you jump to that place , after escaping this , dont ask me how it’s up to you nyahaha , where it has more ideas views and truths , because it exist on a higher plane than here with higher senses we can’t comprehend but the other difference is ,
THERE’S NO FUCKING COMPLICATIONS.
NO LIMITATIONS.
NO THIS AND THAT.
NO ME AND YOU .
you wanna know why ?
Because it’s all out of human own senses compresed in emotions and unprocessed thoughts and mind algorthims that control them without them even knowing who they are to begin with.
You feel free ?
Just try to remove your name
It’s not about access of information
Or where we’re going
Or if we’d discover that great immersive truth about the universe
Because you know why there’s non
There’s no mysteries to discover
There’s only mysteries you jump into to undiscover who you are , which is the outer world , which isn’t the quest
Not in the scale of time space data
Not even in the scale of energy frequency reality
Go higher be
You unfathomable being

Blue Summer

Where did all dreams go to ?

Post author By Zaki Monzer
Post date February 1, 2023
No Comments on Where did all dreams go to ?

You run at sunset
The sand the only obstacle
The obstacle is the bird
And the bird of freedom

She , and lives went away

You cry at modernity
The cry from one side
You watch from the outside
You curse the outside

And they went from two side
And you went from a side

She told a promise
That no one remember
You kept the remember
And told no one about her
She went away
For a call until monday
What happened in monday ?
A loop to be called

And she went with a headphone
A head and a typhoon

And all the sequels
Those sunny holes
That you all dived into
And you only went out to
And the night leftovers
the sleep that left no one
The no one you waited to
The wait that you hoped for

And they went to a smile
Your smile went with a mountain
The mountain was reversed
To a past cave to weep to

The call by the wall person
The wall that didnt fall
To the apocalyse
The fall was home
And the home is still the bricks of the wall

And so they went by
Without an apocalyptic call

By 22 we’ll be alright
By 50k or so
Where were we in the alright
Where are you tho ?
Where is all the running
And all the youth we told our moms for ?
Dear youth can you hear me ,
Can you let my empire out ?
I can’t tell if they stayed with you
Or if i’m stuck at the past
Dear youth are you stuck with me ?
Are you running from the cussing ?
The beach meditations
The towel long thrown
The green field in the eye
The cities that weren’t blown ?
Are you running ?
Of the walks no one ask about ?
Or were you running to me
The no-one that no one asked for ?

Did i go away too ?
you came and didn’t find me ?
Then what are these signs
That i went to find for ?

Not a call
Not a sign
Nor an answer
Just if i didn’t wake up
You didn’t find me where you ran
And my city did find me
And i didn’t find me
That ran past to you
Then
If not monday
If not the mountain
Where did all dreams go to ?

Blue

Writings from underground

Post author By Zaki Monzer
Post date January 26, 2023
No Comments on Writings from underground

The world appointed me as the devil now ,
While i’m just a hopeless boy wanting to see the entire world ,
And i can’t get past the couche’s arm
Im glad zake didnt live to see the misery that’s me right now ,
And sometimes i think how shitty i am for being glad that lizy died ,
Glad because this fact made my life more tragic..
While zypher was appointed as a king that went on and quit already.
My summoned friends are conquering the universe rn and i think ima is killing few so rn
And i dont think she’ll meet jane anytime soon but i hope in this heck of a world one reunion like that would happen.
I’m just sitting in the heart of the silence
And i can hear the screams of miramai from a planet’s distance
And wheres joy’s ?
Im actually worried about rei , sofie , and anna , they would be actually planning on killing me rn
So Jack , are you pleased for watching from above how broken we are rn ?
I dont even know if they can reach me , i mean , i even can’t get out.
I wonder how the world seems like nowadays
And what’s the weather outside ,
I’m not in the buttom of the forrest but the forrest swallowed me
And doris is probably hacking through the multiverse in order to check it here ;
Heck a war in the islands is being brought up just how can being an introvert no one see turn by breaking bad into this mega self recognized event himself ?
Lucy is hanging by the sea of corps
Rose is fixing a dimensional tree
Star is surfing through space layers … sometimes i envy her.
Winnie is trying to find the last light left in the world , that which , he cant even see himself
There’s a room where the light won’t find you
And that room is even outside my empire
Of dirt
You can have it all giblo ,
And all my family even tough they’re aiming for my head rn ,
Especially you , alma…
The only one that i can’t hear her silence..

Blue Spring

Flourishing

I wont go back as long and talk about childhood , ill just say that by the time i started to use sm ,i didnt get the idea out of it , how people are truly using it , and how they behave and act and think , so i used to post and share whatever like whataver i want and feel too whenever i wanted i was just playing through the world within my eyes , then after i saw the community and society i was in and its ways of viewing life and viewing how they capture and describe it through this medium , my usage and interpretation for it changed too , and later on affected the way i view stuff , before i wake up .
And i think this apply for most of us throught our childhood and by starting or teen years ,we just view stuff without idiologies , without values , without opinions , without questioning yes or no , without throwing ourselves in positions or masks and without trying to place ourselves in outer shelves .
We were just a pure unknowing soul that used to swim in the truth , in the deeper self where logic doesnt exist and where she knew that the world was truly a play …
Why did the collective outer consciousness just change the way we flaw and be and dance and express or why we allowed it?…

Blue Spring

Still on the edge of the abyss..

Post author By Zaki Monzer
Post date January 20, 2023
No Comments on Still on the edge of the abyss..

I used to walk on a thin line between life and death and now i walk on a thin line on the edge of the abyss
And i know its filled in a wonder sense of things that i might feel while falling
And i know i left the entire world to step here
And i know that many signs are telling me to jump cause theres it
Whatever it is
And that its not if i gaze ,im gazing at it , and its gazing at my soul
And maybe ill fall and die , or get reincarnated , or resurrected , or really be alive
Maybe ill find my home down there
And i know its only a step
And i know that the cave you fear holds the treasure you seek but this is a goddamn freakish abyss just imagine whatll it even hold
And sooner or later ill take that leap
Of faith
And of awe
But im just bubbling now some thoughts while waiting as im standing here
Maybe theres nothing
But i was meant to take it
To go there
To find the world through it
And to find everything
Having a deja vu rn so ill see you there
Ill be there