Author: Zaki Monzer

tragedy and hope , beauty and pain

A letter to my shadow

You’ve been here more than i did
And you chapped this “me” more than myself
And lately I’m not letting you in control but I’m fighting you in my head
I’m sick of you
And you’re control
And all the things you play and all this life you try to run through
I’m tired of cleaning up after you
And all the mistakes you do
I’m sick of your laugh and your tears
And all the ways you’re messing up my mind
I’m sure of who i am , where i stand , what i believe at , and what do i stick to and all the round circles you go through is just to prove me I’m wrong , and that im not really that sure .
I accept you , and i know that you’ll never go , this ain’t a fairy tail , i might get over you for a year or two and youll be back , and i know we’re gonna stay together for a lifetime and that’s fine
I’m the strong persona you personally chapped
And I’m aware enough that this is all an illusion and there’s no stands or selves
But I AM SICK
i dont wanna be this character nor any of your suggestions
Nor anything at all
The interesting thing is that i know you’re strong but you know im strong to the point i know you can’t ever break through
God removed me away with my chair backwards and told me “watch closely” “watched everyone’s shadow”
You can play
I’ll play
Because that’s what you wanna teach me
That the universe is just the funny thing we take seriously
And that it call us to come , drown yourself , take a look , a peak , it’s inviting us to understand and it’s saying look : I’ll lift my skirts this tiny ,tiny bits , do you have enough sense to look underneath? To follow it through ? To understand ?
Take control whenever you want , at day , night , in all situations, and i know that you’re the one writing this right now
But you can’t defeat me , how can you ?
because i don’t expect to win , you can only defeat someone who wants to win.

I’m already under the skirts.

green Spring

We plants are happy plants

Post author By Zaki Monzer
Post date February 7, 2023
No Comments on We plants are happy plants

The greatest story ever told is your story , but you’re not in it , you’re not the hero
You’re not the center of the universe
You are the story
You are the told
You are just the center.
You’re not the wave that comes and passes
You’re the passing
You , us , life , universe , waves , we’re the passing , and the sea stays.
We’re not the experience , we’re experiencing .
You give yourself to the water and then you find that the water holds you up
We waters are infinite waters
We plants are happy plants.

Fall white

The world dwells in me

This post is completely personal :
I’ve never been this happy , and this depressed
I feel im everyone and never this self and yet i feel all i have is this self , and god , so I’d never feel lonely
But i feel it too
I can’t sleep but im asleep
Im not messy and im not ruining anything
Im really living as a vessel for god , and i already jumped in his light and may it take me anywhere , i have hope there and complete faith
But i dont have hope to nag about here , i understand that all this mind stuff is bullshit and nonsense
Maybe i understand everything , but i dont do accordingly to them , so im not wise then
In me lies the complete despair and complete wander
In me lies the ultimate magnificent magic
In me lies the blue numbness
In me dwells the weirdest spirits ever
In me dwells chants and songs and dreams to shout when you’re child
In me dwells a lonely fall season and world
And in me exists you and many versions of it
In me dwells the terror in closests
And the wonder for a new light
In me i dont dwell but the world , the entirety of it is , and its not me recieving it , or watching it , it’s it watching moving playing and dancing with itself
And my self is desperate to catch anything , to feel anything , all along

red Spring

Love is the stranger

I always said that i wish i could take pieces of my heart and give them to everyone i love
In fact i love alot
It might not be apparent for someone like my with such sarcastic behavior
But i think my heart is just outside my body into everyone and everything I’ve been through
And its been a major problem that sometimes and many times i can’t take it
I can’t take this much love
And this much people
And memories
And hopes to live with
With each one opening a new different alternate dimension to a sun
I can’t
And i dont know what to do with it
And how to use it
And how to show it
And if the world exists within me how can i live with it ?
But i change
There’s still a room for anxiety somewhere within me
But i accept all this
I accept that I’m a genuine lighthearted person
And that i hope for a best within the moment
I might not take this love anywhere or to anyone
And it won’t be remembered
But if it’s within me
I’ll let it stay within me
I’ll use this love to evolve and to transcend
If it ain’t making me a better person and I’m not using it effectively , for at last all i have is me and it , then it has no benefit
I’ll not say i want to be a better person
Or say I’ll show love
No put it in myself let it change me , let it get the hell out of me and let it make me someone worthy of holding it
And for sure , love itself will find a way to be shown on it’s own , it can’t be heard not spoken
Its a stranger
So love you stranger

black Blue Fall

Imagine to be

Imagine
You jump from here to there
There is where you don’t know
And can’t understand
But there’s alot of information
More than here
Which ,
When you think of it ,
Is impossible ,
You can’t ignore thale fact that a 20 year old human rn can access , if he hadn’t already learn , alot of and about stories , technologies, materials , tools , people , geography , history , cenima , whereabouts and events , more than someone who lived 200 years in ancient times .
Heck more ridiculously even than a tribe or a village in the 19th or 20th century .
Wherever you are now , and its not just bond by the fact of the advanced technology and science in real world but about the insane huge number of humans rn , and it’s consequences going from complications to literally everything and the condensation and setting limitation to the daily life, time , places , rules , of well …ourselves first , the way we view it , and the way we view the world , and the world itself.
So you jump to that place , after escaping this , dont ask me how it’s up to you nyahaha , where it has more ideas views and truths , because it exist on a higher plane than here with higher senses we can’t comprehend but the other difference is ,
THERE’S NO FUCKING COMPLICATIONS.
NO LIMITATIONS.
NO THIS AND THAT.
NO ME AND YOU .
you wanna know why ?
Because it’s all out of human own senses compresed in emotions and unprocessed thoughts and mind algorthims that control them without them even knowing who they are to begin with.
You feel free ?
Just try to remove your name
It’s not about access of information
Or where we’re going
Or if we’d discover that great immersive truth about the universe
Because you know why there’s non
There’s no mysteries to discover
There’s only mysteries you jump into to undiscover who you are , which is the outer world , which isn’t the quest
Not in the scale of time space data
Not even in the scale of energy frequency reality
Go higher be
You unfathomable being

Fall Yellow

When will i ever learn

God if you can just show me
Where in it do i belong
And i know it’s up to me
But there’s alot of poeple
And alot of times
And alot of places
And alot of stories
And i get that i passed through alot
And wasn’t alone
I know i should’ve probably learned how to live by now
But where
And if it’s gonna be shown
Then when
When will i ever learn..
I can’t speak rn
And i don’t think there’s a way back
To give interest to anything
At all
All that is
I understand it all
But I’m not good at it all
I’m just a mirror
What does a mirror do in a mirror less world ?

Summer Yellow

Dream of babel

I dreamed i was going up building floors , each floor darker than the other and when i reached the rooftop it was utter complete darkness , but i was happy like I’ve reach it all I’m united with the stars that were brighter than ever , then a series of horror events happened and it was terror really , and when they ended the entire scene just turned into a heaven like one with creatures and all .
Anyway i don’t think it’s a coincidence but i truly believe that subconsciousness surpasses the barrier of our time and space and that it gives us messages to follow , i woke up to watch a video i intended to about samadhi and they talked about Babel and it meaning the tower to reaching god or the absolute and how it was a metaphor of going stages up and up with losing one self to reach the absolute unkown , with one having to take a leap into the abyss and surrender to it too.
So it was the exact call back to the dream with many links of all the events that happened in it to things that were occuring in my reality , and that the path of heaven really runs through miles of clouded hell and for passing that gateless gate that no one can pass , you should become no one .
I saw a story about someone who dreamed that he fell into a river and was afraid of it so he woke up completely terrified , just to go and jump into that exact same river irl and have his entire life changing and going into a great adventure and story from there from that step.

Blue Summer

Where did all dreams go to ?

Post author By Zaki Monzer
Post date February 1, 2023
No Comments on Where did all dreams go to ?

You run at sunset
The sand the only obstacle
The obstacle is the bird
And the bird of freedom

She , and lives went away

You cry at modernity
The cry from one side
You watch from the outside
You curse the outside

And they went from two side
And you went from a side

She told a promise
That no one remember
You kept the remember
And told no one about her
She went away
For a call until monday
What happened in monday ?
A loop to be called

And she went with a headphone
A head and a typhoon

And all the sequels
Those sunny holes
That you all dived into
And you only went out to
And the night leftovers
the sleep that left no one
The no one you waited to
The wait that you hoped for

And they went to a smile
Your smile went with a mountain
The mountain was reversed
To a past cave to weep to

The call by the wall person
The wall that didnt fall
To the apocalyse
The fall was home
And the home is still the bricks of the wall

And so they went by
Without an apocalyptic call

By 22 we’ll be alright
By 50k or so
Where were we in the alright
Where are you tho ?
Where is all the running
And all the youth we told our moms for ?
Dear youth can you hear me ,
Can you let my empire out ?
I can’t tell if they stayed with you
Or if i’m stuck at the past
Dear youth are you stuck with me ?
Are you running from the cussing ?
The beach meditations
The towel long thrown
The green field in the eye
The cities that weren’t blown ?
Are you running ?
Of the walks no one ask about ?
Or were you running to me
The no-one that no one asked for ?

Did i go away too ?
you came and didn’t find me ?
Then what are these signs
That i went to find for ?

Not a call
Not a sign
Nor an answer
Just if i didn’t wake up
You didn’t find me where you ran
And my city did find me
And i didn’t find me
That ran past to you
Then
If not monday
If not the mountain
Where did all dreams go to ?

red Winter

A letter to my younger self

Post author By Zaki Monzer
Post date January 31, 2023
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If i can really just go back in time
I’d forget about legends
I’d forget about changing history
Or going to great eras that i wished to be at
I’d run to my younger kid self
Standing at the side corner of the highway looking at the tiny blocks in the ground
I’d run and hug him and cry like fuck
I’d tell him he’s my hero and how much I’m grateful for having him
And that at the end of the day he’s the only one with me
He’ll know shit
He’d probably start asking some ass question
And He’ll know no idea of anything
And what i went through
Although
He would absolutely believe me
Because he believe in weird-out of the world-fast cuts-bizzare shit
He always thought that this life is just a long-lasting drama play made for him like the trueman show
And at the end everyone’s gonna go up and clap for him
I wanna tell him that there’s no one
There’s really no one
Not even him
All that ever existed is the blocks he looked at at the side of the road
The birds that flew in the playground while everyone’s looking at him
The carpet in the bedroom
And outside of these are just a man jumping in madmen’s own suffering
For trying to give things meaning
He’s my hero because he didn’t do anything
He didn’t try anything
He just enjoyed the world he didn’t know about
He just wanted friends to play with
He just wanted for atleast someone to stand up and clap
And tell him it’s a play
And how much he’ll just suffer just to reach that play again
You were right
You were the infinite and beyond
You were that sky i always wanted to fly at
And it was only you
Fuck everything that’s left in the world after you

Proud
Fuck anything

black Spring

The trickster unarchetype

Post author By Zaki Monzer
Post date January 30, 2023
No Comments on The trickster unarchetype

If you read this
It means you are reading this
And you know you that i’m such a sarcastic rotten person
But you don’t know me
And i don’t know you
But i know you
And i don’t know myself
Okay to give it a try
One two three start
Im sad
And im fine
And im not devastated about the future
Nor worried
But i dont know what to expect then
But i know what to expect now
Although im devastated in the mean time
And i dont know why are you reading this
But you might be one of my close people
And thats a high probability
So here’s a kiss ==》》 a kiss
Its hard
Although maybe easier than many times in human history
And than many places out there
But its hard
Im writing this because i need a space
A space for me
That tells me theres some place i still belong to in this world
And some people
And that whatever might happen i can go to and write and weep and write
And i want to live
And i want to know myself
And god
And if there’s a future with who i love
And i lived alot
But i want it all to stick together
I accept myself
But im trying to be a better man
And i dont want to change the world
Nor myself
I want peace
I used to write when i’m depressed and when life was good
Now i’m good but life’s depressing so i’m writing all the time
I want to stop writing
And to start writing
They say live as if there’s no tomorrow
I want to sleep as if there’s no tomorrow…
In peace