Author: Zaki Monzer

tragedy and hope , beauty and pain

Categories
Fall white

Everyone that i love is dead

We used to play virtual yugioh when we were 7 years old
The writer of the series died this year , he drowned after saving a girl
My old friend that i used to play with left social media
The people i used to watch with in my neighborhood now i only know there names .
And my other friend told me today his story , of how the girl he loved died , and how he can’t move on anymore.
I dont know what to do if something like that happened , i can’t handle someone i love dying, even young .
But then i remember everyone i loved died , they went away , so what does it matter , we mught probably never talk or see each other again , I’ll cry now and I’ll cry when they leave this world , so they’re dead , they passed through time and space already .
And some people left stories behind,
Kentaru muira did , so is he dead ? He changed my life
He taught me how to struggle even when i dont know how
Even if i dont know how to move on , to find a place , someone , something that’s worth living/dying for , he taught how to just keep moving forward
There’s a video of the same title , i cried my soul out when watching it , because , you feel you’re alone , but the only place to ever exist when youre not alone is when you struggle..
If i died now , I’m glad of the life i lived , i lived a great life , i lived marvelous memories that no one will know or remember and theyre gonna be burried with me , but i will be satified and I’ll be glad for everything i saw and went through , or maybe it went through me
Maybe this is a dream and we’re fragments
Maybe i only wish that i don’t feel the track of time in this dream
Maybe i want to meet with the ones who are alive when we wake up ,
Maybe I’ll thank them for feeling their struggle pushing me forward , or hug them
Maybe I’ll never meet some
And eveyone that i left is alive

Categories
Blue Spring

If you ever burried me..

They leave , but where too ?
If they took your world with them
Where did they fit into ?
They leave , and inside of you starts a winter that never ends
That leave you wondering at which storm your heart went

They leave , but not in fall
In fall we met
In fall we were us
We were young
And free
Although it never felt so

They leave , in spring
When you most need the moon
They leave to the moon
The other side ,
And you leave to the other side
Of the bed

If you ever burried me
In my death bed
Don’t write my name
Write those who left
And took me with them

Tell them to come back
On a sunny day
On a summer day
Where we weren’t young
But we were old
And dying
Where it was warm but our bodies were cold
And I’ll forgive them
And they can keep my world with them
And they can fit it into my heart
The one that was inside of them
Inside the storm

Categories
red Winter

Life , actually

There’s just life
Not a monkey life
Not a noodles life
Not losing someone , or grieving on yourself , or patting on a rabbit
There’s no college life
Maybe even everyone you can count didn’t make a significance.
There was life , but it’s dead
And there is life , but it’s not here
There will be life , but it will be gone .
We might make life tonight ,
And if we didn’t ,
We will make life.
You can eat grapes,
Or become a country runner,
Or play a musical,
You can swim,
You can sit under the window,
You can smell the trash,
You can be a dancer,
You can be a dancer under the rain,
You can be a dancer under the rain screaming,
You can be a screamer,
You can scream silently,
You can scream loudly,
You can scream loudly yet no one will listen,
You can talk without talking and you can love without loving,
You can be you when you’ll never be you,
You can’t ever be you,
But you’re living but you’re not here,
There’s no space for you,
Not even for anyone else,
There’s just life,
You can live a thousand lives,
You can be a thousand people,
You can pass a thousand stories or places ,
But they’re not life,
Because life is there,
And they’re not there,
We are,
And through our eyes we look , and dream , and think of life ,
And it always end up….
Not there,
We weren’t even there ,
We don’t want to even know ,
We want to hold the umbrella downwards ,
Not to block the rain ,
To block the world from raining at us ,
And all that we feel of what it want us to go through life,
We’re not there ,
And its not there,
There’s no goal or a place to reach,
Or a happy colored ending waiting head,
There’s no other chapters in life , or new ones,
There’s nothing waiting for you ,
Not even time waits for anyone,
There weren’t older chapters in life
It’s not a book nor a story,
Nor you’re in any,
Nor you are there ,
Nor you’re entering any new form or story
Nor you ever did
Maybe the monkey did
Maybe the noodles did
Maybe patting the rabbit did
But were there any ?
There’s nothing to ask for ,
There’s nothing to be ,
There’s just life

Categories
white Winter

Walking in the path of the ones before me

Walking in the path of the ones before me
I feel sick to think
And i don’t know if i should be writing this right now
I know that as i move worlds move with me
And although I’m glad of paths now
And paths to come
But i keep thinking of the ones who passed
What if we had better worlds and they moved on , without me
What if i moved , but not in the world i live in
What if the world i lived in was never made for us to be together , kind , peaceful , joyful , together
And maybe my heart isn’t made for it
But everyone’s heart was
I wish we opened up , everything
I wish i could let my inner beings to come out , to let them see
That it was always flowing in alternate dimensions
I wish i belong , god
I’m thankful I’m shown all of these
And of these possibilities
And spaces within eyes
And within peaople
The ones before me went away , from themselves
Theirselves went away from the world
The world went away from me
In one hand i want to belong , and in the other i can’t move on from all that we could have
I keep telling myself home is where I’m going
And if that’s it then i totally accept it
Maybe i always saw myself watching , on a higher level , this existence
Maybe i longed to be watched , to be gazed at from far away
For a world to come and pull mine out
To forget here
To belong here

Categories
Summer violet

Hugged our entire world

We were fine once
By hugging the bed
By walking barefooted
By running outside the sushi restaurant because we can’t eat anymore
I was him but not myself
And the world was calling me.
There were monsters
And there were doors
And we weren’t driving away from them
We were driving home
So why did i arrive alone ?
I was fine right now , a second or two
But i can’t face the world anymore
We are stronger
But the call is stranger
And the monsters are the only door
And now that we are home , we can’t escape
And now that everyone i loved lives alone inside of me
We can’t escape
And i don’t want to scream
And i don’t want to shut my mind
But i went again and threw mysef at the bed again
But instead of hugging it… i hugged the world
Our entire world.

Categories
Autumn Yellow

God loves joy

In times where the world was swinging between calmness and chaos ,
When you don’t know if you still have time to stand or to sit again ,
Or who to get or who to trust
Or what the strings of fate might be deciding..
I was told by prophecy to go to the pond , there lies a great warrior , the mightiest of all.. and all across my journey was all creatures and children of mud .
They were all fragile, small , tiny , silly , loud , dumb , and they were all running and jumping and preparing for the knockout stages , i mean there’s no way even they’ll find a team to get qualified.
I watched them for days yet still i didn’t figure out what was making them joyful that much..they’re going straight to there their deaths!
I came across a little redhead girl who was dumping her entire head under the waters of a river , she stayed for an hour or so , and a group of kids where watching her and counting ber time.
-“are you thinking of ways to exit this life?” I asked ,”you know one can’t drain himself all by himself if he’s trying to cut the oxygen from his head”
Her hands went up and she just gave me a sign that i don’t think had any meaning , then she pulled herself up , i thought she’s gonna pant or breath fastly but she was just talking deep cool normals breaths.. ” the river was talking to me” she responded ” it’s preparing me to the grand battle”.
-“And why does the river wants to talk to you even, or how will you even pass the qualifiers in the first place , you know there are warlords , watchers , warriors and mad men of every known or unkown species gonna be fighting to the end of times there right ? Not just dead kids brawling”
I turned my back and started walking away.
-“i was open to the possibility that it wants to talk to me , and I’m open to the possibility that I’m gonna win , one isn’t limited to one way of being great , to find himself in something far beyond and greater than himself, even something he can’t even comprehend “
-“and if so why should it have to happen?” I responded sarcastically.
-“Because God Loves Joy”
She stood on a rock, raised her hands up , smiled , and pushed herself backwards and splashed in the waters…

Categories
black Fall red

Ima’s first diary since returning to earth :

To Heiwa , Jane , and every soul of my lost beloved ones hearing me right now.
I might be an emperor right now and you might all be proud , but i lost everything
And i don’t know how to move from that , from you
What’s the point of the road and the destiny if everyone is gone , and I’m only walking through stranger worlds and stranger lands with stranger people ?
If being strong is giving me an advantage then I’m really so weak
I can’t move on
I can’t change
I can’t stop shedding blood
I couldn’t stop the war
I couldn’t save zoya
I couldn’t save my sisters
As the same thing i did to my brothers
As the same thing i did to my father , now that i knew the time stone passed under my hands…
And i can’t still find my mother , not even her shadow.. they call me the girl that exists in every time yet i still can’t find my mother’s one.
Speaking of hands , zake’s one still haunts me since that day on the shore , and now there’s just zypher laying there waiting for me.
I wish i can tell him I’m home
But i lost my home here
How much sorrow can i take ?
Was i ever strong for handling all these loses and grieves ?
Will i ever find a home that doesn’t die , or at least a one that doesn’t go and leave me here ?
Not just the world moved on without me , Worlds did…
and i can’t do the same thing even though I’m standing at the top of them all.

Categories
Autumn Blue

Cat-man-mirror



I laid on bed like a corpse
Like I’m being thrown at the sea
I got up because my family can’t shut up
And its soo loud
I stood up and looked at the mirror
“Do i have to go through this again ? ” The face said
The sound got louder and louder that my image in the mirror was shaking
I opened the door and went outside
Only to see a cat standing by the door
“Who are you ?” I asked
“Am i supposed to be anyone ? “The cat responded
“Then why are you here ?”
“I heard you want to run from the mirror , but I’m only going to the sea..”
“Can i lay down there ?”
And so we ran and ran
But the cat was always faster than me
So we went highway
And the roads were all clossed
And a marathon was being held
I always wanted to run
Should i run or should i lay down ?
A girl with glasses approached me , ” do you want to participate?” She asked directly
I didn’t know what to answer , but since I’m already chasing the cat i wrote my name down
I never cared about the race , nor the people racing beside me , the fact that i always felt like that… that I’m just a blurry mirror in the flow of people
They ran , and i ran , and we did
And soon enough i was near sea side , and since I’m there with no one ahead of my sight , then i was the winner
They gave me the prize , but i just wanted to catch the cat
So then i shouted why not make a bargain
“Hey Mr cat , give me yourself and I’ll give you the prize “
The cat always cared for running so she loved the prize
And i turned into a cat-man wandering on the sea
I was always alone
Until i stumbled by a bunch of people throwing a corpse at the sea
I looked at them but the sun was hitting their faces , so all i saw was a shaking light , like the one i saw in the mirror earlier at the morning
“And who are you ?” They asked
“Am i supposed to be anyone ?” The cat-man responded…

Categories
red Summer

A meaning of it all


Once i met a young child , around 3 years old
he still wasn’t able to speak or get any form of comprehensible little words out of his mouth
I used to say why doesn’t his parents take him and check his issue
And i weren’t happy with the way his family was treating and educating him , like all they do around him was laugh and say some slangs and phrases with no meaning , and he’s just there happy all the time and smiling all the time and he just runs and shouts ATATATATATATATAWIWIWIWIWIWI.
Until im no longer bothering to think in this helpless situation.
I was young
I didnt know the meaning of anything and I’d just go on and stress about whats the meaning of this and whats the value of life and why are we here and whats my goal here and blablabla
I used to see alot of signs and numbers that are completely random and completely repetitive everyday
I’d go on and search on the internet and books and ask people and on every place just to know what these signs might be . like they even get with me whenever i’m just thinking about certain issues with me , and like really whats the meaning ? What should i do ?
On and on , i met many children too , i love children , but the thing is there’s many of who i love that just keep asking and asking.
I mean that’s great a kid should be curious ,
And there’s some who just point on everything and just ask what is this and what is that and what is that and who is he and so on…
And we as much as their parents just go on and tell them : this is a wall this is red that is an uncle this is a lion and so on and on , like we’re preparing them for the later stages of life and knowing everything .
just labeling anything  ,
And on and on , a child would grow up and keep labelling within labels and we’re gonna live happily as we do in this fucking full labelled full society filled with limitations and people just trying to limitate their minds and abilities in a limited place , im kidding we don’t.

We go on and learn that the entire universe is made of cellsand particles and everything does and its all 99% space and that we’re living in a fucking water ball floating in space and there’s sth called gravity keeping us on it as it’s keeping the entire cosomos , and we’ll just continue on living our lives normally , as if this isn’t all just nonsense and doesn’t make any fucking sense , but this is a wall and this is red and this is a lion and this is a cell…
And you must keep asking until youre either an ignorant who doesn’t think or live in this bubbly world fully consumed or you keep on until you reach some existential questions that doesn’t have any certain meaning.
The thing is i do
questioned alot and reached what’s the meaning of life , and whats my goal in it and why I’m here .
known what’s the meaning of success and and what u need to do
Do you know what it is ?
Fucking nothing .
We don’t need to do anything
You all as much as an extraordinary phenomenon in nature as everything else.
We go on and think were on some way of success or a journey but we missed the point that this is all a play .
We just have to be alive.
Simple clear as crystal and obvious .
We don’t have to be anything or achieve anything beyond ourselves.
I don’t do anything nor I’m in any certain condition,  i live and i breath , when i breath and feel a nice breeze im happy , the most of happy , and that enough to call success.
I don’t have any specific hobby,  i like to walk on grass and wander through stuff and i watch life as it passes by.
We only get a small specks of time to understand that all of this doesn’t make any sense so you only got to be kind , to not question and to laugh.
Now i just ignore the question , whenever someone asks me
How are you ?
What are you doing ?
As if i should be doing anything as if life isn’t being here in the moment.
And whenever i see daily the same signs i always do i laugh , i laugh in public and loudly , this is just hilarious and i just think that the universe is really sarcastic , and there’s only one meaning and all i can do about it is laugh.
You wanna know this one meaning ? Or why life exist ? Or why are you here ?
Well it goes as this :
ATATATATATATATATATATATAWIWIWIWIWIWIWIWIWIWI BLLUUFFFFFVVVBBBBBB

Categories
Spring violet

Home..

Had a dream yesterday
Maybe i had it many times before but that’s all i remember
Maybe i exist there right now but I’m asleep and dreaming about this life
It was both day at night at the same time
It was in a town with qormids above the houses
And the streets were all bricks of stones that between each one and the other there’s a light coming from below
It was a mixture from many places ive seen in my life , the village, school , Italy mode in games , the shire
And I’m sure I’ve been there before , i wandered there , i belonged there
A feeling of heaven was filling my heart , although in reality all i was going through was the hot summer night and the shutted electricity
And i knew that
And i wondered inside the dream about how such a thing could bring me this feeling
I could’ve thought about it irl , i could’ve imagined it , and meditated while thinking I’m there , but it won’t ever give me the type of that feeling
That light wind inside that wasn’t bothered by the sweats and humid nature of the outside
The wind that passes once in a while to remind me that it’ll pass
That im stuck in an illusion and the real world is burried deep inside an imagination of a child
That the road to heaven lies through miles of clouded hell…

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