Author: Zaki Monzer

tragedy and hope , beauty and pain

Fall green

Somewhere

I’m writing this in an unexpected way
Because events in life happen in an unexpected way
And when they are expected even
Unexpected feelings hits you .

I was reading across a saying by the prophet that is : ” the faithful in their matual amiability , compassion , and sympathy , are like one body that when one organ is sick , the rest of the body responds with Insomnia and fever “
It’s not hidden the suffering im passing through
And that maybe I’m an open book
Its not like i crave attention
But i don’t consider anything my own so i share all my thoughts even in public.
Because for a guy like me with my mental illness im everything but my thoughts.
But if a kind of such faithful people should be around me , a kind of a loveling brotherhood or friendhood , if its really okay for you to find a place where you feel at that its okay for you to live , to grief and to have someone pat you ..
Then why there’s none ?
Am i for that extent invisible ?
Or that the problem is an inner one ?
What if there was a community for the faithful but i wasn’t one ?
When will i stop questioning myself and everyone that passed .

When will i ever get an answer , to get a hint of that place , of that people , somewhere somehow in the world.. when you don’t have to ask to get an apology or care or understanding or a good word..

black Spring

Of monsters and hopes

I wasn’t afraid of my monsters under my bed when i was a child ,
And i dont believe in monsters under my bed now ,
But i dont believe in myself either..
I prayed for god to show me the way
And i wasn’t here
I walked through the path of hell,
I longed to my bed,
And I’m fighting 24/7 the monsters i don’t believe at,
To relieve the self i dont believe at..
so this is a redemption act
I tried to guess but why should i pass through them ?
Then i remembered i asked god to show me the way
I went in the way into my closet,
I hung myself in all the people i killed,
I ran through a football field looking, at the sky screaming to heaven,
I was jumping in a bar im the shire,
I was the schizophrenic old man in the town party,
And i walked over the sea with my bare foot ,
Its a death , a forgetting , and a rebirth , a redemption ,
I asked god to show me the way..
But i was away,
I spent 500 days to reach peace
5 years to reach myself
And a single seccond to tear it all up,
And then reload it all
Again
Again
And again
Goodmornings
Schools
Runs
Prayers
Paint
Language
Write
Read
Watch
Go
Come
Play
Cry
Mess
Scream
Shower
Sleep
Repeat
Over
Over
And over again
Im not afraid im wasting my time because im not
Im afraid im still far away from the path i asked god for
You see i asked him for the path of heaven
But it runs through a miled of clouded hell right ?
So you can’t ask why is it so fucked up messed up life self mind time going on
I wanted to out as peaceful as i can be
Now i want to get out as strong as i can ever be
That if , if i got out , i found i ever existed
Hope
Tangles on a string
On a tinyyyyy tiny little string
Like a slow , spinning, rolling , redemption ..

Summer white

The year of the rabbit

It’s the year of the rabbit,
I’ve been through a really existential roller-coaster,
And the only certain thing i know in this sea of years,
In this sea of uncertainties,
Is that I’m a rabbit.
I went through that hole without getting back
And some went down searching for me without getting back ,
And i went down wanting to know me and i didnt know where ,
I was learning japanese the other day and a single word irritated me , “where” .
Maybe what brings me back ain’t a place that i belong to , but “where” is it ,
Where is them , and where is i in the first place,
Here goes another theory , go on on a rabbit hole in search/pursuit of wonder , but but but what if , you go there , because you’re running from your self and all its bad acts or character ?
And what if the rabbit hole , and these dimensional worlds going from a narrow hole into a wide landscape, were real , but you weren’t,
What if you , yourself , is the tiny self hallucinations of these worlds…
And what if you didn’t go inside that world out of reality , but rather that that world went on outside you inside of reality , and reality went on outside you inside of that world…

Was it that you went in , because the world demanded it for you to exist in a certain time in a certain space and go in , and if so why demanded , whats your worth when u can’t find yourself , and you want to discover it , jumping in the hole of it , but you’re afraid of jumping in the hole in your self.
What is called the rabbit hole because the rabbit got in the hole , or that the hole gets you to the rabbit ?
Did the rabbit get in the hole or was the hole the entire rabbit’s world ? The entire rabbit’s self ?

We rabbits are happy rabbits
With fear , doubt , hate , shame , sadness , madness , emptiness ..
We rabbits are absolutely happy , glad , thanking rabits.

red Winter

I run

I’m glad I’m in a place in my life when someone asks me what do you do , and i respond ” i run “.
Like im having the urge to explode all of it out,
And this urge came from when i was even a kid ,
I ran away in school
I ran away from classes
I ran away from the neighborhood and wandered through streets
I ran away from the hospital on my brother’s birth and get lost on the streets

I ran away when we were on a family trip on the snow and i just wanted to go far , far away into the white abyss…
I was a kid , i didn’t have any objective , i just wanted so…

I always as a kid used to imagine and think of plans and strategies of breaking out of home and running away , and i was really little i had noooo goal of it i was just planning and saying tomorrow I’ll do this , next week I’ll do this , I’ll just go , I’ll just begone and im just a lost kid who’s family is grieving about…

I grew up and i still wanted to break out
From my family
My social life
My country
From this world
From it all
Because you see
I lived a million lives through it all in my head
But i never lived a single life through it all
Because i don’t belong to any of it all
Im in the normal base life
I don’t belong to any space here
Sometimes my heart aches because i can’t explain how i view things , god , or life
And that im alone just watching everything from a distance …
And sometimes my heart lifts and just screams of joy,

Maybe that i belong to that unkown,
Maybe i wanna run to the time i wasn’t even born,
To that void,
To that unknown,
Now i try to run to it through my mind in the media i like,
The worlds i dive into,
And through my legs in the tears i sob , not sweat, the tears .
And maybe I’m running towards that kid on the snow..
And i wake up every morning to the same alarm “and i was running far away , would i run off the world someday ?”
Someday, somehow, somewhere , far far deep away..

Blue Fall

Standing on the edge of memory

Post author By Zaki Monzer
Post date February 25, 2023
No Comments on Standing on the edge of memory

You can remember as far as youre young ?
-Mmm yeah
How young ?
-Around months young only
How so
-I feared a toy in the photograph place my mom and my uncle took me to.. i still remember it , as much as i remember many visions of my childhood , things that are to hard to believe i do remember .
U think you remembered because it was stuck with a feeling ?
-I dont know , i dont think so , many memories of happy feelings i dont remember anymore , i lost track of dates i loved some people , i dont remember even when did i love exactly certain people , and when did i tell them that…
Do you remember any chat with any one ?
-I dont remember anymore .
Neither photos ?
-Neither anything , im usually nowadays asking the other person im talking to if ive told him this before or not..
What about life
-I dont remember which year what happened or what event in which year, i dont remember which year i was supposed to graduate or even which year the pandemic happened or which year a football game i loved even occured , its like i lost track of time and years , and sometimes im afraid that everyone still remember except me.
Do you remember anything hard to remember ?
-I remember faraway distant dreams from ages ago , i get flashes , without any meaning or any connection or any feeling i just recoil them back..
What about things you love ?

-There’s nothing i can hold to , its like , its a point , and each time im stuck and i try to remember , my world , stories i liked , people i loved , memories i had , things i went through , all my redemptions , all my changes , my development, There’s nothing , i sometimes wake up a blank space not knowing or feeling everything about the day before , its sad when it was a day to remember or when you feel whole , faithful, good , etc and you wake up with a hole , and trying to chase a dream you left a minute ago , just to forget it too immediately..
Then you’re stuck with what?
-My thoughts , my intrusive thoughts
Did you try not to think about them?
-Yes
Did you try not to fear them?
-Yes
Did you try to move on from them?
-Yes
Did you try to make yourself busy with whatever?
-Yes

Did you pray
-Yes
Did you stand with everything, with everyone
-Yes
Did everything anything anyone stand by you
-No
Did you remember them
-No
Did you try to remember
-Yes
Did you remember
-Remember what
Who you are
-Who am i
You are me
-I don’t remember

Summer Yellow

Little infinities

I know i don’t always get a not-lonely night
And i know i dont even get a day free from my mental terrors
But sometimes i get a moment that will make me go like :
Oh look you’re at a wholesome small infinity and it doesn’t matter what will happen the next second because you’re at a pure meaningful loving memory.
When you fall asleep unintentionally and wake up to your grandmas voice just realizing and saying ” yaaburne ” ,
When your sisten kisses you on the back at a night ride ,
When your identical baby cousins switch names and each answer you with the others name and you dont know who is who,
When your baby cousin tells you to come so he’ll just wanna kiss you ,
When you see two young women playing and building with the rocks on the sideway of a park because maybe they never got too ,
When you’ve been at the worst and not feeling if youre even good at anything anymore even being good but you help that human sitting on the street on a cold night ,
When you see a pure young boy saying to a dead religious figure on his graveyard ” goodnight sayed , ill see you tomorrow “
When a girl keeps watching you from a distance but youre even afraid to look to make her feel shy , knowing that youll never see her again ,
When you see your reflection on the glasses on an empty mall and just.. dance ,
When you reward two unknown working women after a long lonely day because you dont know what to do in life and they just thank you happily,
When someone tells you not to die because he’s not prepared yet for it ,
When you hear that you’re a geniune huggable person ,
When your brother rushes to put money in sadaka because you told him you dreamed of him going to hajj ,
When your ex best friend waves from you from far far far away in the crowd…
Maybe i should stick to these little infinities,
Maybe they only matter now

Spring white

I forget…

I know i don’t really think of any meaning of time
But im writing this
Maybe to myself , maybe.
It may be a fast year , but i reached rock bottom.
It may be that i didn’t do work like strive for anything, but i did alot , alot of progress and daily stuff..

Maybe now i dont remember any,
And maybe in many times i forget what happens,
The tragedy of my life that i only remember my intrusive thoughts,
I even forget myself or what i did or my world
I forget , i dont always remember , sorry god , and sorry myself,
But to try to recoil them i guess ill be a bit proud ,
I finished the quraan for the 4th time this year , 3 times this year,
I made some beautiful videos,
I made some paintings ,
I wrote here some stuff,
I did alot of good deads for many and for my friends and family daily,
I ran 5k and more for many many many days,
I watched and read alot,
I came closer(hopefully) to god,
I attended many rituals and studies,

I met beautiful people,
I left beautiful people,
And im saying alot,
Alot of which this might never get,
But i was never mad or sorry about anyone,
I was sorry about myself,
To be left .

I cleared my heart alot,
Started night prayers,
I finished my uni courses,
I played allooottttt of chess,
I made some sketches ,
I swam at sea,
I traveled for the first time,
I read maybe the most of books in a year in my life even if not alot,
I organized many things,
I learned many many stuff,
I wrote some stories on paper,
I was joyful sometimes and tried to lighten my heart to the world and to flow,
And took some good shots of memories , even if with myself only,
And i tried…
I tried.

Blue Winter

Self ocd reflections

7 years , it comes , it goes
You dont know if you’re afraid of it
Or afraid that it will stop and come back in a farther future
Or afraid of it coming in many other forms and topics.
When anything could trigger you , anything , even a single dot gou see or hear can start an endless circle of pain and struggling ,
And you start , another stage , another self defensive mechanisms, another mind games , thought counts , thought strategies and circles of a clash between you and someone you dont even know who wants to tell you its completely you and you dont exist ,
While you feel that you never existed , and you keep struggling to not let one single thought of it enters, no no , one single thought of it to be thought about ,
And then once again , defensive mind mechanisms , other reiterate sayings and actions and symbols and so on so on , until you get to the next subject
And no one fucking knows
No one fucking sees
I was sitting with my best friend for an hour and was counting how many thoughts passed , he was blown away , he was blown away and i was in my best times , i never even show that .
And just knowing that my friend got also fractions of it made me at ease , we as people with pure ocd feel way more better when we know someone feels us , knows us , we feel better when we see a picture just stating what we go through , or even a video , or even someone talking online , because we’re here , left alone , that most of the time i forget my identity , i forget everything..
And even sometimes i feel way better when someone or some people at public do the things we fear to think , and they even feel proud about it and they laugh and they go on without having conscience , like like , i feel better i feel i feel im good in the middle of this unknown mess that is making me everything but not good , i feel this is happening because im good , and that even if all the time im fighting the things that go against my will to prove it , that I’m it
And i dont want to end like crona
I don’t
I want to break free
I want to be fine
I want to be out

Blue Spring

The sea in my dreams

I used to like summer mornings
I used to like summer nights
Grandpa would leave dessert on the doorway
Each saturday morning
I’d see all this stretching through sunlight

Now i don’t wake up at mornings
And i don’t breath the scent of nights
And all the sweetness left me
I’m trying to regain my peaceful sense

If i could sustain my sorrows
If i could sustain my selves
It sharpens to a point i want to shed my skin
With my finger nails
But all my lover’s finger nails were broken
And i was broken

I stay up late every night
And maybe you think I’ll keep on talking
And maybe you think i abandoned you all
But the only thing that doesn’t shut is my mind
Just for today , i abandoned myself

And if we lost our kingdom in one day
Could there have been any other way ?
Could the way be just to make a choice to not loose it all ?
Did the we ever after ever exist ?

I’m going to bed now
But I’ll not be drown in my sorrows
I’ll be drown in the sea
The sea in my dreams

I won’t go on a ship
I won’t try to swim
Maybe I’ll pray
Not to live
To just feel the will to live

It was an expensive mistakes
It was a forgotten mistakes
My neck shattered to get me here
I have no blood on my hands for a reason
But what was i supposed to do ?
How was i supposed to know how to fix water tubes ?
How was i supposed to know how to ride over other’s thoughts ?
How was i supposed to quite my job ?
How was i supposed to handle a fulfilling college life ?
How was i supposed to have good friends ?
How was i supposed to leave good friends ?
How was i supposed to say goodbye to my grandpa ?
How was i supposed to hold on to a job ?
How was i supposed to run each
Monday Wednesday Friday Sunday Tuesday?
How was i supposed to handle my illness ?
Or my life ?
How the hell was i supposed to handle the illness of my life ?
I was given a body that is falling apart
My house is falling apart
And I was given a mind that can’t control itself
And what about the pain I’m in right now?
And I was given a ship that can’t steer itself.
And what about a prayer ?
How was I supposed to know?
And God won’t forgive me
And you won’t forgive me
Not unless I open up my heart
And how am I supposed to do that?

When I go to this same room every night
And sleep in the same bed every night?
The same fucking bed
With one eye seeing the world dark and a mind darker,
Even in day,
Even is daylight,
The light from the sun,
The sun over the sea,
This sea is too familiar
How many nights have I drowned here?
And i don’t wake up trembling
From a dream where I swam into the sea
I reach out and hold you in my arms
But are you real ?
Am i real ?
My life was searching for sweet on the door
Now it’s searching for a door to a sweet
You choose to survive
To run without a door
Let us go to where we belonged
To the place we built
But we changed paths
From sth inside
Us
But it was not
Us
Was it ?
Did it matter ?
Was it that something we dont know came for us
But we didn’t even come too ?
Will we ever do ?

Autumn white

For God

I always say i don’t know if i do
That i carry my heaven with me
Because as you see
Carrying heaven is sth i always have doubts about
But carrying hell is sth I’m certain of for sure.
I’m feeling distant not in space,
Nor in personal feelings,nor people,
But im feeling distant as of this world as a whole.
I don’t think that , with all the connections to it,
That i still have interest of it,
And not reclaiming any spiritual path,
But reclaiming a lost in a clear path.

I understand it all
I don’t feel it all
I dont think any of it all is standing beside me
Or having interest in me
And so goes here
I’m not even sad
I’m just calm
I’m just praying for patience and that I’ll always sip my hot cup of tea
When people ask me how are you I’ll just ignore the question
Because i dont understand it
Or that i understand it that its just a human concept
And i can’t accept it
I dont believe it
I dont want to fit my self and my mind that is truggling all the time to leave man-made concept to act upon it
And i have no obligation whatsoever to accept any of it
Even if i have to die
You see
I might live in hell here
With fear here
But I’m the most human being that is devoted to face his shadows
That is surrendering completely for a sake of a long distant unkown unseen place and self far beyond himself
Far beyond this human understanding
And fitting
And seeing
And trying to be
You know when i struggle i dont nag or get upset
Maybe that’s just who i am
If i was build upon fear
If my mind isnt just rotating in a single direction
If im always fighting for unseen things
Maybe that’s why i should always believe that heaven is still with me
Will always be
Alone
And that’s why I’ll reach it
Alone
Without explaining it
Without sharing it
Without letting anyone understand it
Because
I’m the most fearful person on the planet
And also the most fearless one
And i know i can’t let anyone come with me because no one can or try.
And i know no one is ready to throw all his life and relations and personal pursuings and paths and this whole goddamn world like me .

Taking the path to heaven through miles of clouded hell
With you and god only,
This is all for you god , only.