My brother showed me a reel for their class in the school we used to attend for all our life up to high school,
I pretented to be neutral,
To show no emotion,
Like i always do ,
To be such a stoic.
Then when he left i broke down jnto tears ,
Then i listened to it alone and went more into an ocean of grief ,
Grief for childhood unfulfilled
For a life not completed
For memories i wishes i die at
For places i wish i stayed at forever
For people i hoped to live a million lives with
With people who even died
And others i don’t know anything about anymore
And memories that will be burried just with..
Im breaking rn
U can’t take the weight of these , but you gotta carry that weight , tillthe day you die.
Memories that will be burried with you forever , and maybe memories that might be only stuck with you and you only lived such a nostaligic deep joyful time and maybe no one of these kids remember them anymore , maybe no one of them still exists anymore , maybe life changes..
Maybe i changed but that kid in me is still the true me and still following the shadow of his younger life , unlived…
Uncontinued…
I was reading kafka by the shore lately and i came up across an interpretation for ghost stories im Japanese culture , and i remembered the one from oyasumi punpun , and about how the ghost are about souls grieving for older days.
What if my ghosts when i was a kid are me now..
What if what we feared me and my sistes , what we used to wake up each other for if anyone wanted to go to the bathroom at midnight when we were kids , is our older selves grieving for these memories of love
For these night nothing bothered us ,
We used to come home and turn tv and just watch cartoons
We used to belong into an inner world without even knowing whats the outer
And the outer was a school where we just played and screamed and made as much games as we could with our minds
Whyyyyyyyy
Why does life changed
Why does life do this
I might read a thousand book and story and know many philosophies and interpretations for why we grow we go what we do and socialize and fuck our selves in this modern era .
But i can’t take it anymore
Whyyyyy
Why did we leave heaven..
I ….I’m still struggling in my adulthood to move on from my childhood , from my teenage years and from very single stage in my life , because i was living in worlds i didn’t want to go away from , and it passed so quickly , and we grow up in an instant , and everyones not here , and youre not here , and the places aren’t here , and i dontknow what to do anymore , and days and days pass and you dont even think about it anymore , then comes a song , a scent , a face to reminds you of it ….. god if i just can in heaven live , maybe not in a fully heavenly landscapes and rivers , but in their , in my childhood , in the ground where i sat and watched cartoons every weekend, in the playground of the school , in the games we used to make in the desks , in all the teenage dreams , and in the all thinking we thoughts we’d lived , and people we thought we’d continue with but we didn’t, but we were happy , even though we were tired to wake up at 7 am everymorning , even my teenage years , in the unfulfilled not completed destroyed college life we had , and the many friendhips that passed too , and in all the neighborhood brothers who went far away , god , i just wanna return to that usneen real world , to that forgotten nostaligic place that didnt happen and didnt continue , god if i could become a ghost too i wish i could , to those pencilcase and night stories i made in bed , to those curious silent gazes , to those warm , warm hearts , we used to have , before we grow up without knowing…
zaki monzer 