The sea in my dreams

I used to like summer mornings
I used to like summer nights
Grandpa would leave dessert on the doorway
Each saturday morning
I’d see all this stretching through sunlight

Now i don’t wake up at mornings
And i don’t breath the scent of nights
And all the sweetness left me
I’m trying to regain my peaceful sense

If i could sustain my sorrows
If i could sustain my selves
It sharpens to a point i want to shed my skin
With my finger nails
But all my lover’s finger nails were broken
And i was broken

I stay up late every night
And maybe you think I’ll keep on talking
And maybe you think i abandoned you all
But the only thing that doesn’t shut is my mind
Just for today , i abandoned myself

And if we lost our kingdom in one day
Could there have been any other way ?
Could the way be just to make a choice to not loose it all ?
Did the we ever after ever exist ?

I’m going to bed now
But I’ll not be drown in my sorrows
I’ll be drown in the sea
The sea in my dreams

I won’t go on a ship
I won’t try to swim
Maybe I’ll pray
Not to live
To just feel the will to live

It was an expensive mistakes
It was a forgotten mistakes
My neck shattered to get me here
I have no blood on my hands for a reason
But what was i supposed to do ?
How was i supposed to know how to fix water tubes ?
How was i supposed to know how to ride over other’s thoughts ?
How was i supposed to quite my job ?
How was i supposed to handle a fulfilling college life ?
How was i supposed to have good friends ?
How was i supposed to leave good friends ?
How was i supposed to say goodbye to my grandpa ?
How was i supposed to hold on to a job ?
How was i supposed to run each
Monday Wednesday Friday Sunday Tuesday?
How was i supposed to handle my illness ?
Or my life ?
How the hell was i supposed to handle the illness of my life ?
I was given a body that is falling apart
My house is falling apart
And I was given a mind that can’t control itself
And what about the pain I’m in right now?
And I was given a ship that can’t steer itself.
And what about a prayer ?
How was I supposed to know?
And God won’t forgive me
And you won’t forgive me
Not unless I open up my heart
And how am I supposed to do that?

When I go to this same room every night
And sleep in the same bed every night?
The same fucking bed
With one eye seeing the world dark and a mind darker,
Even in day,
Even is daylight,
The light from the sun,
The sun over the sea,
This sea is too familiar
How many nights have I drowned here?
And i don’t wake up trembling
From a dream where I swam into the sea
I reach out and hold you in my arms
But are you real ?
Am i real ?
My life was searching for sweet on the door
Now it’s searching for a door to a sweet
You choose to survive
To run without a door
Let us go to where we belonged
To the place we built
But we changed paths
From sth inside
Us
But it was not
Us
Was it ?
Did it matter ?
Was it that something we dont know came for us
But we didn’t even come too ?
Will we ever do ?