I always say i don’t know if i do
That i carry my heaven with me
Because as you see
Carrying heaven is sth i always have doubts about
But carrying hell is sth I’m certain of for sure.
I’m feeling distant not in space,
Nor in personal feelings,nor people,
But im feeling distant as of this world as a whole.
I don’t think that , with all the connections to it,
That i still have interest of it,
And not reclaiming any spiritual path,
But reclaiming a lost in a clear path.
I understand it all
I don’t feel it all
I dont think any of it all is standing beside me
Or having interest in me
And so goes here
I’m not even sad
I’m just calm
I’m just praying for patience and that I’ll always sip my hot cup of tea
When people ask me how are you I’ll just ignore the question
Because i dont understand it
Or that i understand it that its just a human concept
And i can’t accept it
I dont believe it
I dont want to fit my self and my mind that is truggling all the time to leave man-made concept to act upon it
And i have no obligation whatsoever to accept any of it
Even if i have to die
You see
I might live in hell here
With fear here
But I’m the most human being that is devoted to face his shadows
That is surrendering completely for a sake of a long distant unkown unseen place and self far beyond himself
Far beyond this human understanding
And fitting
And seeing
And trying to be
You know when i struggle i dont nag or get upset
Maybe that’s just who i am
If i was build upon fear
If my mind isnt just rotating in a single direction
If im always fighting for unseen things
Maybe that’s why i should always believe that heaven is still with me
Will always be
Alone
And that’s why I’ll reach it
Alone
Without explaining it
Without sharing it
Without letting anyone understand it
Because
I’m the most fearful person on the planet
And also the most fearless one
And i know i can’t let anyone come with me because no one can or try.
And i know no one is ready to throw all his life and relations and personal pursuings and paths and this whole goddamn world like me .
Taking the path to heaven through miles of clouded hell
With you and god only,
This is all for you god , only.
zaki monzer 